George Lopez · Season 1
Angie, there's something you need to know about your dad. Linda, he kissed our mommy. And I'm not talking about a peck on the cheek. I'm talking full-on mustache to mustache!
What?!
Daddy?
Vic [to Benny] You told!
No, it was Ernie.
Hey, hey. I only told because it wasn't fair, all right? The only reason George let him go out with Linda is because Vic paid him two thousand dollars!
Dude!
What?!
You pimped me out for two thousand dollars?!
Why you gotta say it like that, negative?
[to George] I want to date your sister and I'm going to.
No, you're not because I forbid it!
Forbid?! Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You do not use that word on Victor Garcia Lantigua Palmero. Castro forbid me from leaving the island, but I did it! My parents forbid me from marrying Emilina, but I did it! The president of my condo association forbid me from having pets, but I feed stray cats every night! I do what I want!
[After George catches Jason in Carmen's room and suspects the two of them had sex]
Mr. Lopez, you took me into your house. I wouldn't betray you like that. Besides, you'd be able to hear us. I mean, we can hear everything you're doing.
Angie [to George] You had to be a screamer.
Vic [about Jason's behavior] Mood swings, aggressiveness, smashing things. Either he's doing drugs or he's my ex-wife.
Carmen [to George about Jason's father] Why does Jason keep trying to please him? Nothing he ever does is good enough for him.
When you grow up without love, you'll do anything for it. When I was a kid, I considered lighting myself on fire so my mom would wrap me in a blanket and hug me.
That's awful. You and Mom love me unconditionally, right?
We won't know until you're on fire.
Okay, who wants their buns toasted?
Wish me luck. I'm off to broker my first deal as an agent.
What's in the briefcase?
Breath mints and a little black comb.
(to Benny): Benny...Your house caught on fire.
What?
We thought you were dead, Mom, Your house burnt down!
That's not funny!
We're not kidding! The fireman said it started in the bedroom. Did you leave a cigarette burning?
No! I'm not an idiot! I put the cigarette out on the ashtray and I dumped the ashtray in the trash can!
The trash can by the drapes?
...Dammit! (Turns to Angie) "Happy Mother's Day, Benny. Hope you enjoy these FLAMMABLE DRAPES!"
George (to Carmen): There's no way you're gettin' married.
Fine, then I'll just get pregnant and move to Georgia (breaks into a Southern accent) 'cuz I don't need y'all's consent to get married there.
(about Carmen) Angie, tell me you had an affair with Garth Brooks and that she's not mine!
[While Ernie is reading notes to Benny about her house]
(first letter) You had it coming. (second letter) You deserve it. (third letter) What the hell does God have to do to finish you off. (fourth letter) I hope you get another house...
That's not bad.
Ernie (continuing the letter): But this time, paint the windows shut so you burn inside like the wicked witch you are.
Who signed that? I want to send them a Christmas card.
Actually the whole neighborhood signed it, like a petition. Whatcha!
When Jason said he'd love me forever, he meant forever.
When he said that, was your shirt on or off?
Upstairs!
It matters...
Benny (to George): I haven't seen you that scared since that Halloween when I chased you around the house with a knife!
That might've been funny on Halloween, but it was Easter.
I'm glad you aren't going to work anymore. I don't need any of my coworkers knowing I got chased by a dog.
Well, that ends tomorrow, because I'm going to tell everyone at work about how my little girl, was running out of the house because she was being chased by a teacup poodle!
That thing's a hundred pound killer!
Not in my story.
How can I "hell" you?
(to George) I would like a cheesburger. (looks at George and clown head) Wait, I'm talking to the wrong clown head.
(everyone laughs except George)
[George is talking to Benny about his childhood]
I can't believe the only reason you wouldn't let me drive when I was a kid was because you were afraid of me getting hurt. Is that why you wouldn't let me play football?
George, for a helmet to fit your head... they would have had to take out the padding. Now, at the time, I was already growing vegetables in the garden; I didn't want one walking around my house.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's George Lopez pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
