George Lopez Season 1 quotes

George

Where's my work?

Don't you remember my rules?

George

What rules?

I only tell you once to clear the table. If you don't, you're asking me to throw out your stuff.

George

You threw out my work?!

Yep. Maybe next time, you'll remember my rules.

George

Hey. This is my house. I make the rules.

Oh sure you do.

George

Mom stand still, we're talking about this.

Talk all you want, I will pretend to listen.

George

Mom don't ignore me.

[looking through refrigerator] let's see. What goes good with chicken? I don't know.

George, what the hell are you?! George!

George

[yelling] You're gonna stand there and you're gonna listen to me! Stop treating me like a kid! Stop calling me names! I'm a grown man, and if I want to, I can leave my papers anywhere! And I pay the bills around here, so if I want to leave the lights on, I can! [starts turning on kitchen appliances] And the mixer, and the toaster, and the blender, and the food processor, and the microwave! And you know why?! I can afford it all, because I'm not a failure, I'm a big success!

George

I'm a big, big success!

Angie

George?

George

(to Angie) I'm glad you're home. Do you know your father has a drug problem?

George

Look, that was an accident! But at least I can keep a man in my bed. That's right. When Ernie gets up to go to the bathroom, he comes back!

George

What, would you rather him being shaking and crying? He's handling it the Lopez way.

Angie

How do you do that?

George

We block it out.

George

No.

Angie

Then why are your pajamas on the floor?

George

Why are kids shooting kids? Nothing makes sense anymore.

George, you remember when you use to wet the bed?

George

It was the only hot water we had.

George

These aren't implants. The cast of "Lost" is trying to find their way off the right one. The left one is hosting the Winter Olympics.

Max

Damn, Grandma! Your boobs are huge!

George

Hey, Max. The owls called. They're done nesting, vato. You can cut your hair.

Max

Cindy Porter said I have big ears. If I cut my hair, she'll never love me!

George

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Little pig-nosed Cindy Porter? Man, get your hair out of your eyes. She's nasty.

Max

I like nasty.

George

[after learning about Max's kidney issues] Angie, what was I thinking? My dad died of kidney disease. Max has my bad genes.

Angie

He's got both our genes, George.

George

Well, look. If he unexpectedly dies from soft hair and long eyelashes, then it'll be your fault. This one's on me.

Carmen

Oh, so I can't go to a simple party on the lake, but the second you leave the room, Max and his girlfriend can make out like monkeys?

Angie

They were making out?

Carmen

Oh, did I say that out loud? I get gossipy when I'm oppressed.

George

Veronica, you're all grown up! The last time I saw you, you had a ponytail and baby fat.

So did you.

George

At least I didn't have a full diaper. You see, you don't wanna play this game.

[to Veronica in the video of her will] The money has been put into a trust and the trustee I'm about to name will decide when you get it. The person I had chosen has worked hard his whole life and knows the value of money. Will Vic Palmero please step forward? [Vic steps forward] Okay, now bend over and kiss George Lopez's ass because I pick him.

George

[to Max when he starts having a crush on Veronica] Max, she's your first cousin and you have dyslexia. If you have kids with her, your mom and I will have to pay a dollar to visit our grandkids at the carnival.

Angie

[to Veronica] Get down here now, you ungrateful tramp! [Carmen comes downstairs instead of Veronica]

Carmen

What?

George

We know what you did. We want to hear it from your mouth.

Angie

[about Veronica] That's it. That was the last straw. I can't take it anymore. I want her out of this house!

Carmen

God, it was just a scratch, I'll pay for it. What do you want from me!?