George Lopez quotes from George Lopez

Vic

Back in Cuba, there were no pedophiles trying to molest you. If an old man had his hand down your pants, it was because he was looking for food!

George

Why would you carry around food in your pants? Why not just use a brown paper bag?

Vic

And leave my father without a briefcase? I don't think so.

[about George] Angie, he cheated me. I should have won. I had the highest numbers.

Angie

Is that true? Did she have the highest numbers?

George

Look, she's been cheating on her time card for years.

What does that have to do with this contest? I did the work.

Angie

Well, whoever did the most work should win. I mean, George, you have to be a man of your word.

George

Why? She's never been a man of her word.

George

A Cambodian kid?!

Angie

NO! I might be pregnant.

George

What? Oh, hell no. HELL NO! You better hope Brad and Angelina want another Mexican boy for their collection because I'm not raising another one!

Ernie

I left you a message.

George

Dude, I don't listen to your messages anymore.

Ernie

Why?

George

Dude, you call me every time you see a hot girl on the freeway. Then, you take up 5 minutes of my voice mail saying "George, George, George!"

Angie

George, I need to talk to you.

George

No one talks in the George Lopez media room except Clint Eastwood and those guys begging not to be killed by Clint Eastwood.

George

[to Veronica when Mike calls her again] Every time you talk to him, you're just encouraging him. You gotta get inside the stalker's mind. I knew this guy who was so in love with this woman. He followed her to work, left notes on her car, camped out at her house. I finally had to say, "Look, if you don't knock this off, Ernie, you're gonna go to jail!"

Angie

That was a really uncomfortable summer for me.

George

You have drooled over my wife every day since high school. Now, the one time I wanted you to tell her she's hot, YOU DON'T DO IT?!

Ernie

I was trying not to stare! Not in this costume!

Angie

I wish they were unresolved. Do you know what I said when I was on the phone with her last week? I told her I never forgave her for cheating on my dad. I called her a selfish tramp. That is the last thing I ever said to my mother.

George

Oh, I'm sorry, Angie. I didn't know that.

George

How many times has Carmen said she hated you?

Angie

Forty-seven.

George

You counted?

Angie

Yeah, it hurt.

George

Of all those times, did you ever feel that she stopped loving you?

Angie

No.

[to George] What were you gonna do with me when I die?

George

Pet cemetery!

You know what they say: "Chicken soup is a mother's penicillin."

George

When I was a kid, my mom's penicillin was: "Hey, fathead, walk it off."

I don't believe you. You framed him. Do you realize because of what you did, I hated men for twenty years?

George

Hated men? Not on Friday and Saturday nights! How dumb did you think I was, I knew there wasn't a ghost in your room! "Oooooooohhhh." No ghost calls out men's names!

Ernie

Oh, now I get it! I never understood why a ghost would haunt for 10 minutes, go use your bathroom then haunt again.

Wayne was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I thought we were gonna get married. Why would you do something like this?

George

Wayne might've been great for you, but not for me.

Was he mean to you? Did he smack you around when I wasn't in the room? Because it's okay, I gave him permission to do that!

You couldn't share me, so you ruined my life.

George

I didn't know what Wayne meant to you, Mom. I was ten. I didn't know anything. I thought it would be cool if you married Elton John.

George, Wayne could've made our lives so much better, but you blew it.

George

I know. I feel horrible about it, but there's nothing I can do. It was a long time ago.

It wasn't a long time ago. He came by the other day and you told him I was dead. You lied. You're always calling me a liar, but you are no better.

George

Yes, I am. I only lied once.

Really? Is this the first time Wayne has tried to contact me?

George

(lies) Yes.

Ernie

(scared) He comes by everytime he's single, it's been 7 times in the last 30 years. Oh, he misses you greatly.

7 times.

George

Okay, so I was raised by the biggest liar in the world. You told me, for my birthday, that you got me a cat, like a special breed, called the nut cat. That squirrel almost tore my whole face off!

At least I didn't ruin your life, I'm gonna die alone thanks to you.

George

No you're not. I'm gonna find Wayne and I'm gonna fix this, I'm gonna give you guys a second chance.

You told him I was dead.

George

So? I'll just tell him the truth, and I promise you Mom, when he sees you, he's gonna think you're as beautiful now as you were 30 years ago-- oh qué la, I'm lying now and I can't stop lying! (runs out the house)

George

Man, I'm too late. Angie has the bills.

Ernie

So? What's the big deal?

George

I went a little crazy with my raise and dropped $900 on some new golf clubs. I was hoping to get the bill before Angie got a chance to see it.

Ernie

You hide things you buy from your wife?!

George

(imitating Ernie): "You hide things you buy from your wife?!" Dude, you really need to get a woman, I'm tired of explaining these things to you!

Ernie

George, If you hadn't hooked up with Angie when you were 18, your life would've been just like mine.

George

That is the worst thing you've ever said to me!

Angie

George! I just finished the letter and I put it on official stationary. I signed it N.W.A.

George

Ice Cube and Dr. Dre's old group? You're sending this to a racist?

Angie

Not *that* N.W.A! The Neighborhood Watch Assocoation!

George

Max, there is no way you're dropping out of school.

Max

But I have to start making money right now. Social Security is a pyramid scheme being gutted by the baby boomers.

George

Do you have any idea what the hell you're saying?

Max

No. Somebody knocked over the radio on the loading dock. It's stuck on AM.