If we're going to do that, we should probably call me Daddy, too.
I like that, Daddy.
I, uh, I was just talking about Rachel.
Oh, is Daddy getting angry? Is Daddy going to spank me?
Well, that depends. Have you been a bad g-- No, I can't.
S9 E18The One with the Lottery
S9 E19The One with Rachel's Dream
Why don't you take Ross?
Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn...
No, not if their room has two beds!
[Browsing the brochure] I guess... It still seems a little... [Enthusiastically] moonlight boat ride!
[playing guitar and singing] And there's a country called Argentinaaaa, it's a place I've never seeeeen. But I'm told for fifty pesos you can buy a human spleen. Humaaan spleeeeen. Olè! [Olé is spanish, but anyway..., and they speak Spanish in Agentina, but anyway...]
Not my first time in a hotel, my friend.
OK, how about this? [Picks up the remote control]
No, no, no, you can't take the remote control!
Yes, but the batteries...
[Ross claps his hands]
Thank you, thank you very much!
Let's celebrate with some maple candy!
No!
At least tell me where you hid it.
I got you something from Vermont! [Sits down at the table]
[Without looking up from what she's doing] Besides tampons and salt? [;;Then looks] Ooh! My...! Maple candy! That's so sweet of you. [Opens the box] That's weird... it's empty!
[Then Ross enters]
[Sounds excited] Hi you guys! what's going on, you... you guys wanna hang out... or... ? [Looks around the room nervously] do you... do you guys hear a buzzing?
Monica, look what I got to wear when I play at your restaurant! [Showcases a top hat and hand-held glasses] This might class up 'The Ballad of the Uncircumcised Man'!
Phoebe, maybe I wasn't clear before...I love listening to your music here, but my restaurant is an upscale place!
I'll ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out of the vault!
It's not what you wear, it's your songs! I don't think you should play at the restaurant anymore!
[disappointed] Oh...OK. I'll take the hat back. [puts the hat back in the bag and stamps on it]
[After a pause] So...the funniest thing happened at work...
[Interrupting, to Monica] My songs aren't good enough for your restaurant?!
We're still on that!
I didn't say that!
Then what's wrong with them? They don't go with your tiny portions of pretentious food?
Tiny portions?!
"Excuse me, I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but [Wears the glasses] I cahn't see it! I cahn't see it!"
It's not about quantity!
It's not about quality!
You want to talk quality? Ever heard of a key?! It's what some people sing in!!
At least my songs don't taste like garlic! [Monica opens her mouth] There are other ingredients!
So that's what we're doing?! When I'm in the coffee house bopping along to one of your songs, I'm wearing earplugs!
Earplugs, or cloves of garlic?
[Gets up abruptly] I take back what I said before! You keep playing, because with your music driving people inside, my bar sales have gone up like crazy!
What are they having? The GARLIC MARTINI?!
S9 E20The One with The Soap Opera Party
Rachel, things can get incredibly complicated.
All right, all right! You're right, I won't do anything with Joey. I just thought it would be...
[Joey walks in]
Okay... so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion?
What the hell are you cooking?
Joey, why won't you invite us to your parties?
Well you're fine, ok, but everyone else acts like an idiot around famous people.
Well then, so just invite me.
Please, I was trying to be nice. You're the worst one.
S9 E21The One with the Fertility Test
[Phoebe is about to give Rachel a massage]
[in a fake Swedish accent] Hello, ya! It's time for your massage, ya! Put your face in the hole!
Oh, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person!
Then I'm Swedish!
What's your name?
A normal Swedish name...Ikea.
What an interesting name. You know, I...
[interrupts her and pushes her head down] Time for your scalp massage!
[sees Phoebe's shoes through the hole] Wow! I really love- [gasps loudly]
Is something wrong?
No, it just...feels so good...Ikea! You'll know this, what's the capital of Sweden?
Stockholm.
[to herself] Damn, I wish I knew if that was right!
[singing] Ipan stripan glupi glapi! And that's the Swedish National Anthem, thank you for asking!
Wow, what a rich culture! You know, I have a friend who's a masseuse!
Oh, ya!
She's not very good, though!
And why do you think that is?
I don't know! Maybe because she's got callousy fingers from playing a crummy guitar!
Or maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because you're such a high-maintenance tight-ass!
[turns up] PHOEBE!!
You know it's me?
For a half-hour! Man, you can lie about Sweden!
How can you come here?
How can you not tell me you work here?
I don't have to tell you everything!
Yes you do, if you're going to make me feel guilty for getting a free massage!
Tips not included.
Why did you lie to me about working here?
I was ashamed! I sold out for the cash! They give me benefits like medical and dental and a 401! But you pay a price! Now I'm this corporate stooge, punching a clock, and paying taxes!
If you hate it, you should walk out there and quit! Be true to what you believe in! You have principles and I so admire that! I don't have any!
You're right, I am going to quit! It's time I took my life back!
Good for you, Pheebs!
[Phoebe leaves the room, then looks up at the ceiling and whispers]
If you guys had microphones in there, I didn't mean that! I love you!
CWCharlie Wheeler
First, I have to see the Met!
OK, let me stop you right there, the Mets suck. You wanna see the Yankees!
No, not the Mets. The Met. Singular.
Which one? They all suck!
S9 E22The One with the Donor
CDr. Connelly
Even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great, you never know. So keep having sex on a regular basis.
[sarcastically] Oh, dammit!
[Dr. Connelly stares at him, confused]
Don't worry; after a while, you'll tune it out.
I may get to speak at this Paleontology conversion, and if I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me.
I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff, and/or are sick.
It's in Barbados.
But you come first!
I'm there.
S9 E23The One in Barbados: Part 1
[At Ross´s Conference]
But all kidding aside, in much the same way that Homo ergaster is now thought to be a separate species from Homo erectus...
[Joey laughs]
What?
He said "erectus"!
You're... you're kidding, right?
No, he really said it.
... and while there are certainly vast differences between these Mesozoic fossiles and the example of Homo erectus...
[Rachel laughs]
Erectus?
Homo.
David, can you help me?! I'm trying to explain to Chandler how a plane stays in the air.
DDavid
Oh, certainly. That's a combination of Bernoulli's principle and Newton's third law of motion.
[To Chandler] See?
Yeah, that's the same as "it has something to do with wind".
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