Friends · Season 9
Ya, ho.. ya. OK, sure, look, can we, can we talk about what happened here last night?
Sure, just gimme a second to get all huffy and weird like you. *harrumphing* Do you believe that whoever did something over here last night did what they did or didn't do, I mean come on!
I actually came in here hoping to have a mature conversation with you about us, but I can't do that with someone who hides my messages and brings crazy women back to my apartment.
None of the sane ones wanted to come back with me.
Today is the 6th.
No. [Shows Chandler a calendar]
Yes. It's also 2003.
That means I may be done ovulating! I may also have served some very questionable meat at the restaurant!
[On the phone with Rachel, panicking because Emma's missing] Hey, Rach, by any chance, did you come by here and pick Emma up?
No, why?
Oh, my...! Then that means...[Just then, Joey comes in the door holding Emma] Oh, Emma! Thank God! There you are!
[Worried] Wha-what do you mean "There you are"?! Where was she?!
[Forgetting Rachel was still on the phone] Oh, uh, we were just playing peek-a-boo. She loves it when I'm dramatic. [Quickly hangs up]
[To Joey] Why the hell did you take her?!
Because you two were having [Whispers last word so Emma doesn't hear] sex!
No, we weren't.
Don't you lie to me. I can tell by Chandler's hair. [To Chandler] You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once?
[Embarrassed, tries to fix his messy hair] All right, we were! We were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating.
Which is more than I can say for myself as of 2:00 today. [He and Chandler laugh, and Joey indicates that he peed on Monica's ovulation sticks]
You guys! Seriously, those sticks are expensive!
Hey, it is unacceptable that you'd have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about this.
No, no! Please don't. She'll kill us.
Hey, I gotta. Unless...
Unless what?
Unless you name your first-born child Joey.
What? Why?
Hey, I may never have kids. And someone has to carry on my family name.
Your family name is Tribbiani.
[Thinks this over for a few seconds] Oh-ho, you almost had me. [He leaves, and Chandler covers his face with his hands at the sheer ignorance of Joey]
Okay, I wasn't rich like you guys, okay? I didn't eat gold and have a flying pony. I had a hard life! My mother was killed by a drug dealer.
Your mother killed herself!
She was a drug dealer!
And here, look, they've got these wheels that pop out the bottom so you can roll around. Apparently, walking is too much exercise. Kids, kids! Roll your way to childhood obesity!
Wow. Kids today have such an easier time getting fat.
Oh...baby-proofing... Why is this such a big deal now? Y'know, when I was a kid it was like.. "Whoops! Joey fell down the stairs!" or er.. "Whoops! Joey electrocuted himself again!"
[Rachel tries to install baby-proofing things in the apartment.]
Are you saying that women can't do it?
Women can do it; you can't.
Monica, will you please tell Joey that he's a pig?
[to Joey] You're a pig. [to Rachel] And you can't do this.
Well, I found the hardware store by myself!
The hardware store's just down the street.
There's a hardware store down the street?
[Monica and Chandler each borrow money from Joey, forcing him to lie to them both until they find out.]
Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job?
Because she is!
Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money.
Mm-hmm! For your boob job!
It's over, Joe!
Okay. So I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?
Alright, wait a second, why would Ross tell everyone in your class that you are as... [reads from the screen] "gay as the day is long"?
Because I told everyone he slept with dinosaurs.
But that's clearly a joke. This could easily be true.
I'm dead and no one cares.
I look like a man!
Just one problem at a time, please. Ross, you only gave them one day's notice, of course no one's going to come in just one day. And Monica, it's probably the way you stand.
[The friends are about to arrange the lottery tickets, in a bowl at the breakfast table]
We need to sort through the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we won. Does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? [abruptly] How about this - we divide them into six groups of forty, and the remaining ten can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.
[raising her hand] I have another idea!
Sorry, idea time is over!
Are all of the tickets in the bowl?
Yeah.
What about the ones on the nightstand?
There are no tickets on the nightstand!
Yes there are, I saw them a few minutes ago!
[Rachel goes to the nightstand to investigate]
[uncomfortably] No you didn't! You must be mistaken!
There were twenty tickets on the nightstand!
Chandler, sense the tone!
[Rachel returns with a bunch of tickets in her hand]
Well, well, well, look what Mommy found! [everyone gasps]
Fine! I bought twenty extra tickets for me and Chandler!
[gasps] The psychic also said that I would be betrayed!
I can't believe this! I thought we were all in this together!
You just got in five minutes ago!
Three! I don't know why that's important!
I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut! When did you get those?
When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic!
[sniggers and turns to Ross] I'll show you how!
Suppose one of your special tickets wins? How are you going to feel when you win the lottery and lose all your friends?
If I win the lottery you guys are not going to leave me! Someone gave me a basket of mini muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of you for three days!
Chandler, would you tell her that what she did was wrong?!
[turns to Monica] She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just for us. [Monica gasps] Let me finish. [turns to Rachel] However, it doesn't look as though I'm going to get this job, so I can't afford to have principles. So screw you, the tickets are ours!! [snatches the tickets from an open-mouthed Rachel]
[jubilantly] There's the man I married! [high-fives Chandler]
Believe me, if you win the lottery, it's the last you're going to hear from any of us!
Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! And then I'll pay for their plastic surgeries so they look just like you!
That's it! I want my share of the tickets!
[snatches the bowl from Rachel] I want my tickets too! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graf!
[snatches the bowl from Joey] I want mine too! And if I win I'm going to put it all into a very low-yield bond!
[tries to put all the tickets into the bowl] You guys! We've got to keep all the tickets together!
No! [snatches the bowl] We should divide them up, and I should get extra because we used my car to buy them!!
If anybody gets extra tickets it should be me; this whole thing was my idea!! [snatches the bowl]
Oh yeah! Thanks for inventing the lottery!!
[about Emma] How do you know she's gonna start talking?
Well, when I talk to her I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying.
Kind of like Joey...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Friends pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
