TV show quotes
[Roz intervenes on Frasier's show with some advice of her own]
Who's next, Roz?
If you ask me, it's divorced people you want to watch out for. If someone's never been married, it might just mean they're a careful shopper, whereas your divorcé will buy any old piece of fruit without even giving it a squeeze first.
The preceding was an unbiased opinion from my never-been-married producer, Roz, who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than Tropicana!
[Daphne is giving Roz's ankle a much-appreciated massage]
Whatever Frasier's paying you, it's not enough.
Actually, I'd need a raise to get me to "not enough".
[Frasier has an idea for how to take Martin's mind away from the murder case: the basketball game]
It's the archetypal male bonding ritual.
Couldn't we just go to the woods, kill something and have done with it?
Ah, yes. Another beautiful Saturday night. The moon is full, the city lights are twinkling, lovers steal kisses in the park... and here, Chez Crane, my father and his assistant sit hunched over 20-year-old photographs of a murdered hooker. [raises his glass] Life is a banquet!
I'm a humane man, but right now I could kick a kitten through an electric fan.
[Frasier is waiting in Café Nervosa for a man who claims he can return his stolen briefcase. Niles discovers it contained his car keys]
Frasier, the person who has your car keys asked you to meet him here knowing you would bring your car?
Now, now, before you launch into one of your paranoid riffs, my car happens to be... [turns to look through the window] MOVING DOWN THE STREET! Oh, my God! [leaps up and rushes out of the door] Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!
[Niles has advised Daphne to reinvest her money from the sale of her shares. Frasier walks in and wonders why she looks so excited]
Well, your brother just gave me $200, and now he's going to roll me over.
[Niles is laughing while perusing Dr. Snow's manuscript]
Niles, will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting.
I can't help it. Have you read this?
I'm trying to recommend a book. Reading it doesn't help.
[Sam is telling Frasier about his fiancée]
She's a terrific person. She's smart, she's funny, she's horny. I mean, she's just the kinda chick you wanna stick up on a pedestal.
You know, Sam, it's always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence.
[Just after they meet Sheila, Frasier reveals to Roz and Niles that he slept with her]
You slept with her?
On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?!
What did Frasier say about his old man? The father. The cop.
He told me you were dead.
Dead?
We just had a fight that day. I was mad.
You're a cop? You told me he was a research scientist.
You were dead! What did it matter?!
[Niles wonders how to reconcile with Maris]
When your mother got mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman.
I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid vertebrae; she'd snap like a twig.
[Frasier does not approve of Niles buying Maris a car]
I happen to think that bribery is the wrong way for couples to resolve their conflicts.
And during which of your failed marriages did you hone that theory?
Boy, you and Niles. It's been the same since you were kids. If one of you has something, the other one always has to have it, too. I had to buy two Balinese lutes, two découpage kits, two pairs of lederhosen. When you finally moved out of the house, that was one embarrassing garage sale.
My brother is too kind. He was already eminent, while my eminence was merely... imminent.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Frasier pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
