Ray Barone quotes from Everybody Loves Raymond

Frank

You mean that even though you know that ball's a fake it still means something to you?

Ray

Yeah, yeah dad.

Frank

Then this Christmas you're gonna love the Rolex I got you.

Frank

(chuckling salaciously) Hey, whoops...Porno party!

(grabbing the birdhouse and trying to distract Frank) Show me where this goes, put it up in the tree--

Frank

(amused) Who's the fat-ass? (Marie knows)

Marie

(mortified) Frank!

Frank

(equally mortified) Holy crap...

...There was a man on our church council a few years ago. A decent enough fellow but a little abrasive. Oblivious to anyone else's feelings. I used to fantasize about him converting to Judaism. I wanted to get him out of my hair. One day I said Frank...

Ray

Wait, the man's name was Frank?

That's not important. What's important is...

Ray

Frank Barone?

You know Frank Barone?!

Ray

He's my father!

Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone?!

Ray

Yes!!!

You're absolved.

Ray

What?

Our Lord forgives your thoughts.

Ray

Really?

Well, I could look it up but I'm almost positive.

Ray

So God made us smart enough to know there's an answer, but not smart enough to figure it out?

Robert

(frustrated) "COME ON!!!"

Frank

You want to know the meaning of life? You're born, you go to school, you go to work, you die. Canole....Marie

Did I say cinamum on the show?

Debra

No, that's only to remember for when we go to iHop.

Debra

What are you supposed to do Ray, take away her naptime?

Ray

If she keeps misbehaving, we're taking away something that is important to her! What've you done?

Marie

...and E-G-B-D-F are the ones with the line running through it. {sic} You know that. What's E-G-B-D-F?

Ellen Garvey's Behind Deserves Framing.

Marie

I don't like that Raymond. It's Every Girl Bakes Delicious Fudge.

...or Eric Gunzel Boinked -

Marie

Oh Raymond!

That's - that's how I remember it. You've got the fudge way.

Debra

This is what I have to put up with--your mother coming over here and telling me that I should make myself available to you!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Did you just have sex with me because my mother told you to? (Wailing in disgust) Ewwwww! How sick is that?!

Debra

Very!

I'm thinking of my mother now!

Debra

(getting grossed-out herself) Ewwwwww!

Ewwwww! Why would you listen to her?

Debra

Because I love you, Ray! I care about you! I'm not the one running off to play golf to get away from me!

You don't think I care about you? Why do you think I'm confessing? Don't you see, I feel guilty?! Guilt! That means love! I had to come home and confess!

Debra

Yeah, but you waited until after we had sex.

Well, you're very good-looking!

Debra

Come here, sign your parents anniversary card .

Ray

Oh look, a girl puppy nuzzling a boy puppy. Ray smiles. Well, youve captured them.

Debra

Hey I have an idea. Why don't we send them the card you bought them!

Ray

Now I get it! I get it now. Dog gone it, cause there's dogs on it, very clever.

Marie

That was a wonderful brunch, you two. Lovely.

Ray

Ma.

Marie

It was a little much.

Debra

We just thought that you would enjoy a nice anniversary brunch.

Marie

We don't enjoy things, dear.

Frank

Guess why.

Ray

Alright, come on. We were supposed to be celebrating today, right?

Marie

This marriage is nothing to celebrate.

Ray

But 40 years. That's a big milestone. Think of all the good times.

Frank

I had one good year.

Ray

There you go.

Frank

The year I left your mother.

Ray

What?

Marie

Frank! The children!

Frank

What's the big secret? We split up for a year. I came back, didn't I?

Ray

Wait a minute what are you talking about?

Marie

We almost got divorced.

Ray

[In disbelief] What?

Frank

There's a sad word. Almost.

Marie

I suppose it can't hurt to tell you now. We seperated for a year. It was a terrible time.

Ray

Seperated? When? When was this?

Marie

It's not important dear. I have to go to the bathroom.

Ray

Well I wanna know [remembering the surprise party in the living room] No, wait wait WAIT!

Frank

Okay, I was just about to show Robert how to act when you get shot.

Ray

What, like upset?

Frank

No, it's got to be realistic. Here, let me show you. Robert, make a gunshot noise.

Robert

What caliber, .22 or .45?

Frank

Ray.

Ray

Bang.

Frank

[yelling] I'm hit! Keep fighting, men. Kill those rebel bastards!

Frank

Abigail. Dear Abigail, my pretty non-nagging Civil War wife.

Frank

See? Getting shot is fun.

Ray

Not if you're watching.

Do me a favor, huh? I've been payin' the bills for the last couple of weeks. I got this (hands a paper to Andy) from the electric company. Take a look at that. (Andy reads it)

Andy

They're turning off your service.

Yeah, why? I don't get it. I paid all this stuff six weeks ago.

Andy

Can I ask you something? Why are you handling the checkbook? Did Debra leave you?

She made such a big deal about paying the bills. I'm just trying to show her that it doesn't have to be that complicated.

Andy

Yeah, well, no electricity is less complicated. You're like the Amish now.

(handing Andy the checkbook and various other bills) Here, take a look at this stuff. I paid all these bills; there's no reason they should be sending me mean letters.

Andy

Well, here's why. Your check bounced.

What?

Andy

Wow! You bounced many checks here! You bounced 13 checks and were charged $300 in penalties! Excellent work!

What do you mean? I sent those checks myself!

Andy

Checks that didn't clear, Ray. You might as well have sent them little pieces of toilet paper.

(still not getting it) But I make more than enough money.

Andy

Well, mazel tov to you. (looking further) You're $3000 overdrawn here. You didn't even open your bank statement!

I trusted the bank!

Andy

(incredulous) You didn't reconcile your checkbook?

(barely keeping track) Huh?

Andy

(frustrated) You have to keep track, Ray! What did you do here? Why'd you pay so much on your Visa card?

I'm not gonna pay interest charges! You pay in full, no interest charges.

Andy

Yeah, that's smart. No money, either. Look at this. Debra had everything under control--

(sarcastic) Yeah, yeah, Debra, Debra, Debra! I'm sick of this money stuff! Just tell me what I have to do!

Andy

(handing the checkbook back to Raymond) First, you gotta take last month's ending balance, then you add the interest accrued on the account, then you add all the checks that we know have cleared-- (annoyed that Raymond isn't half-way paying attention) --Ray, what did I just say to you?

Accrued.

Andy

All right, Ray, you had your fun with Mommy's checkbook. Now it's time to give it back to her. (He reaches for the checkbook)

(defensive) No! I'm not giving it back to her, 'cause then she's gonna know I couldn't do this!

Andy

Well, she may get an inkling when they cut off your power and tow away your house.

Look, Andy, how bad can it be? It's only been six weeks.

Andy

That's what makes it so shocking.

Debra

Look, I've gone through your checkbook, and I've gone through your fake checkbook, and it's just not adding up.

Yeah, I know what that might be... (produces another checkbook)

Debra

(incredulous) A third checkbook?

Yeah, I...accidentally bounced a check in the fake one.

Debra

What check did you bounce?

I don't know which one, it might've been-- (the house lights go out) Yeah, that was it.

[gets kicked in the groin] Ooh!

Debra

What?! What's wrong? What happened?

You kicked me!

Debra

I did?

Oh...right in the garden of good and evil.

Debra

Honey, I'm sorry. What is--? [pulls the covers to reveal Ally in the bed] Oh. I think we found the kicker.

What is she doing in our bed again? It's every night. [still in pain] Good God, y'all.

Debra

Is there anything I can do?

You can learn to love half a man.

Frank

Oh, where are you throwing that ball?! Come on! Have an idea out there!

Ray

Dad. Others.