Robert Barone quotes from Everybody Loves Raymond

Robert

You know that shampoo that says "no more tears" on the bottle? There's tears.

Robert

So everybody has to do what Raymond wants, right? New sheets for Raymond! Brownies for Raymond! Can't sleep naked around Raymond!

Frank

Ray, I've got some news. I don't know the best way to break this... Your great-uncle Gus, dead!

Ray

Oh, no I liked him.

Robert

Yeah me too... Hey nuts!(referring to a bowl of nuts on the table)

Frank

He wants you to deliver his eulogy

Ray

Why? I hardly knew the guy.

Frank

It was his dying wish.

Robert

Even dead people love Raymond.

Ray

Hi, I'm Ray. I'm here to talk about... Gus Barone.

Robert

Haaaaarrrr!!!

Ray

Thank you.

Debra

You promised you'd get this done!

Ray

That's not the point. The point is that... I will rub your feet!

Debra

You gotta, you gotta get this done.

Ray

Don't worry, in fact the whole idea of rubbing feet makes me sick.

Debra

Just shut up and rub.

Debra

That's not rubbing, that's tickling!

Robert

Glad to see you're not busy.

Ray

What makes you think we're not busy, Rob?

Robert

Michael threw his milk at me!

Frank

Isn't that great? That could be my second story! The digest loves a naughty baby.

Debra

Ray, Robert is still here.

Ray

Hey, Robert! What are you doing here?

Robert

I had a suspicion I needed to confirm.

Debra

Robert, what's wrong?

Robert

I don't think Michael loves me anymore.

Debra

What are you talking about?

Robert

He's not like Geoffrey, he seems standoffish.

Ray

You do know Michael is a baby, right?

Robert

Just a feeling. Cop's instinct. He wants nothing to do with me.

So, how are things going with you, Robert?

Robert

Well, you know, one day you're rescuing a puppy, the next you're fishing a skull out of a toilet.

Ray

What the hell are you doing?

Robert

"Good Cop/Bad Cop". It's just taking a little longer because there's only one of me.

Robert

Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house! [to Ray] Ho, Ho, Ma told me what you did... nice.

Ray

There are now. Come on, Robert--

Robert

No, you have me mistaken for some other party for I am jolly old Saint Nick.

Debra

Look, Ally, it's Santa Claus.

Ally

Santa?

Robert

Yes, it is really I, and I came to see you Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. [to Ray] Unlike some other people. [in disgust] Ho ho ho ho ho.

Ray

Hold the ho's, I want to talk to you for a minute.

Robert

I'm sorry, I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Claus.

Frank

Where's Ally?

Frank

Ho-ho-holy crap. What are you doing here?

Robert

I'm Santa Claus.

Frank

You're Santa?

Ray

Okay, will you guys cut it out already. She's confused enough as it is.

Frank

What's there to be confused about? I'm the real Santa! Who is this impostor?

Debra

Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be Santa's helpers.

Frank

Right! He's my helper. Helper, why don't you warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?

Robert

I bet you can't even name the reindeer.

Frank

Rudolph! Donner, Blitzen... those are the main ones. We rotate them so they wear evenly. Cupid! Ajax! And... Lefty!

Robert

Now we know the truth.

Ally

It's Uncle Robert!

Robert

[in Santa voice] No, no. I have merely assumed the body of a life form suitable to you.

Ray

Robert, you're Santa, not a Klingon.

Ray

So God made us smart enough to know there's an answer, but not smart enough to figure it out?

Robert

(frustrated) "COME ON!!!"

Frank

You want to know the meaning of life? You're born, you go to school, you go to work, you die. Canole....Marie

Robert

[handing a half-used tube of ointment to Debra] Here's the ointment I borrowed.

Debra

Oh.

Robert

I dont know what happened to the applicator.

Debra

[handing the half-used tube of ointment back to Robert] You know what, keep it.

Frank

Okay, I was just about to show Robert how to act when you get shot.

Ray

What, like upset?

Frank

No, it's got to be realistic. Here, let me show you. Robert, make a gunshot noise.

Robert

What caliber, .22 or .45?

Frank

Ray.

Ray

Bang.

Frank

[yelling] I'm hit! Keep fighting, men. Kill those rebel bastards!

Frank

Abigail. Dear Abigail, my pretty non-nagging Civil War wife.

Frank

See? Getting shot is fun.

Ray

Not if you're watching.

Robert

Hello, Police Department.

Marie

(frantic) Robbie, how's Raymond. Is he all right.

Robert

Ma!