Ray Barone quotes from Everybody Loves Raymond

Marie

How was your class today, dear? Did the children listen to you?

Robert

I teach traffic school, Ma.

Ray

Since When?

Robert

Since today. Lots of cops do it, y'know. Chance to earn a little spending money.

Frank

How about spending a little on rent?

Robert

Dad wants me to keep an eye on that one in sporting goods.

Ray

Do you really think Mrs. Scarpulla is going to steal cross country skis?

Robert

Not on my watch.

Nobody's gonna pay 20 dollars for a used thermos.

Frank

They will if it was used by the pope! Hey you, are you catholic, you like hot soup?!

Robert

You hit my patrol car!

Frank

I'm your father! I don't care if I killed a guy; you're supposed to look the other way!

Dad, whatever you do, I wanna look the other way.

Robert

I can't look the other way anymore! You drive like a maniac!

Debra

Frank, how did you hit Robert's patrol car?

Robert

My partner comes to pick me up, and Dad backs out of the driveway without looking!

Frank

That car shouldn't have been there!

Robert

On the street?

Frank

(pleading) Just lie! Say you never saw the guy!

Robert

I can't do that, Dad!

Frank

Why not?

Robert

Because I have a moral obligation as a police officer, and I almost got caught lying for you the last time! Now let me see your license!

Frank

Sorry, Sally, I'm fightin' this!

Robert

There is black and white on the side of your car!

Frank

(yelling) I HIT A PENGUIN!

Robert

(yelling himself) I'M WRITING THE TICKET! (sits down at the kitchen table and begins furiously scribbling in his ticket book)

Frank

FINE! THAT'S "BARONE!" B-A-R-O-N-E, AS IN "THE MAN FROM WHOSE LOINS YOU SPRUNG!"

Debra

Do you realize, in a group that includes your father, you're being the most insensitive?

Ray

Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with Dad. He must be tired. C'mon, he's okay. Laughter's the best medicine, right? I'm keeping it loose, keeping it light.

Debra

How about keeping it shut?

Ray

See? That's good! You should be in there with me!

Frank

What are you talking about? I'm not gonna pay anything. The wallpaper's fine.

Ray

I WANT IT THE SAME!! DO YOU HEAR ME?! EXACTLY, EXACTLY THE SAME!! AND I MEAN EXACTLY THE SAME!! YOU CAN ONLY PUSH A MAN SO FAR!

Debra

Hey, it's not that big of a deal. Calm down.

Ray

Traitor! [short pause] You-you can never talk to me about my parents again because in this case, you are the backer-downer.

[cutesy tone] Nothing but bills today, smelly tramp.

Debra

I know. We always get so much--. [Debra stops and stares at Ray in humiliation]

[after a long pause] Robert made me do it.

I wasn't trying to humiliate you.

Debra

Oh, so I should be flattered that my husband calls me a smelly tramp?

Debra

Did he just say he's going to Las Vegas?

Frank

Nevada!

Ray

(walks to kitchen door) Robert, ROBERT!

Robert

Yeah???

Ray

Do you have a moment?

Robert

Hey, what's up bro?

Ray

Well, Bro, word has it you're going to Vegas.

Robert

Yup. I'm hopping on the big silver bird at 8:45 tomorrow. By 1:45, The Emperors Buffet at Caesar's Palace! Shrimp, Tacos, Waffles, and Turkey Legs!

Frank

And hey, while you're in Vegas, you can pick up Ray's "Sucker of the Year" award.

Debra

Wait a minute, Robert, are you sure you can afford to go to Las Vegas?

Robert

Well I can now, thanks to you (Pinches Debra on the cheek)

Debra

But you were eating Baloney Pie!

Marie

Debra, why would you make that for him?

Ray

We thought you would use that $1,000 to, I dont know, keep yourself alive!

Robert

What do you mean?

Ray

What do I mean? What about all of your problems and your bills?

Robert

You see I thought about that but those things will always. When else will I have an extra $1,000 to go to Vegas?

Ray

That wasn't an extra $1,000.

Debra

Robert, can I say something? Going to Las Vegas seems a bit extravagant for someone in your position.

Robert

Well my position is extremely stressed and needing a vacation.

Marie

Well if you need a vacation Robbie, you wanna know where I always wanted to go? Hershey, Pennsylvania. We could watch them make chocolate!

Frank

Yeah, you're gonna watch.

If you're the angel of death, I'm ready.

Ray

No, no I'm not the angel of death.

Then you could use a mint.

Ray

Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm Ray. I'm helping out here today.

Ray

So, I hear you like baseball.

What are you doing?

Ray

I'm Ray Barone, I'm a sports writer for New York NewsDay.

Oh yeah? Can you fix a radio?

Ray

What do you mean?

What do you think it means when someone says they need their radio fixed?

Ray

No Ive come here to just talk to you, you know, cheer you up.

They finally send a man in here and it's you.

Ray

Alright listen Mrs. Gorman, I was just seeing if maybe I could get you to take your pills.

Fix my radio, I'll take a pill.

Ray

I don't know how to fix a radio.

Then youve used what's left of my life for nothin'.

Ray

Ok then, well, nice talking to you ma'am.

Do you sit in a press box?

Ray

What? At the game? Yeah.

Ive never sat in a press box before.

Ray

Well, um, if you wanna sit in a press box, you gotta get better. And if you wanna get better, you gotta take your pills.

Oh, you tricky tricky white boy.

Ray

[misses a putt] Damn it!

Debra

Ball barely made it to where my shadow was.

Ray

'Cause you got me all nuts. [makes the putt on his second try] Can't even make a freaking putt.

Debra

I don't think it's your putter's fault, Ray.

Ray

You're right. It's not the putter.

Debra

What?

Debra

Excuse me?

Marie Barone

Hop on one foot.

Ray Barone

starts hopping

Marie

What's your address?

Ray

320 Fowler

Marie

What town?

Ray

Linbrook

Marie

What's my birthday?

Ray

(pause) Ahhhh, uhhhhh

Marie

(starts crying) Oh My God!

Ray

No, ahh, December 9th!

Frank Barone

1802!

Debra

[the entire family is gathered all around the table] Hey, Ray, it's a little crowded in here.

Ray

Maybe we should get a bigger table.