Andy quotes from Everybody Loves Raymond

Andy

So, Angelina, how are you?

Did you want something?

Andy

No, thanks. I just thought we could talk.

Do me a favor, huh? I've been payin' the bills for the last couple of weeks. I got this (hands a paper to Andy) from the electric company. Take a look at that. (Andy reads it)

Andy

They're turning off your service.

Yeah, why? I don't get it. I paid all this stuff six weeks ago.

Andy

Can I ask you something? Why are you handling the checkbook? Did Debra leave you?

She made such a big deal about paying the bills. I'm just trying to show her that it doesn't have to be that complicated.

Andy

Yeah, well, no electricity is less complicated. You're like the Amish now.

(handing Andy the checkbook and various other bills) Here, take a look at this stuff. I paid all these bills; there's no reason they should be sending me mean letters.

Andy

Well, here's why. Your check bounced.

What?

Andy

Wow! You bounced many checks here! You bounced 13 checks and were charged $300 in penalties! Excellent work!

What do you mean? I sent those checks myself!

Andy

Checks that didn't clear, Ray. You might as well have sent them little pieces of toilet paper.

(still not getting it) But I make more than enough money.

Andy

Well, mazel tov to you. (looking further) You're $3000 overdrawn here. You didn't even open your bank statement!

I trusted the bank!

Andy

(incredulous) You didn't reconcile your checkbook?

(barely keeping track) Huh?

Andy

(frustrated) You have to keep track, Ray! What did you do here? Why'd you pay so much on your Visa card?

I'm not gonna pay interest charges! You pay in full, no interest charges.

Andy

Yeah, that's smart. No money, either. Look at this. Debra had everything under control--

(sarcastic) Yeah, yeah, Debra, Debra, Debra! I'm sick of this money stuff! Just tell me what I have to do!

Andy

(handing the checkbook back to Raymond) First, you gotta take last month's ending balance, then you add the interest accrued on the account, then you add all the checks that we know have cleared-- (annoyed that Raymond isn't half-way paying attention) --Ray, what did I just say to you?

Accrued.

Andy

All right, Ray, you had your fun with Mommy's checkbook. Now it's time to give it back to her. (He reaches for the checkbook)

(defensive) No! I'm not giving it back to her, 'cause then she's gonna know I couldn't do this!

Andy

Well, she may get an inkling when they cut off your power and tow away your house.

Look, Andy, how bad can it be? It's only been six weeks.

Andy

That's what makes it so shocking.

Debra

Hey, you hungry?

Andy

Yeah, sure, I could always go for something.

Debra

(offering the plate of braciole to Andy) I made some braciole, taste it.

Andy

(trying to get out of it gracefully) Oh, you made...no, no, no, I'm actually--I'm in training, I'm in training for a running thing--

Debra

Come on...

Andy

No, no, really...And I've gone kosher. I'm in a Jewish marathon.

Debra

(insistent) Okay, try it, one bit? Just one bite... That's it, just one... (He does, and can only stare at her in shock.)

Andy

(beat) Run away with me.

Debra

(happy) Really? You like it?

Andy

(he does) Oh, my God, it's fantastic! (He sits down at the table) Mmm, Debra! I don't know what Ray's talking about!

Debra

What do you mean, "talking about?"

Andy

Nothing, he was just trying to be funny at work.

Debra

Funny about what? Was he making fun of my braciole? (Andy suddenly realizes that he may have said too much)

Andy

No, he was not. (gets up quickly and turns to leave, but Debra corners him)

Debra

Wait, Andy, he told me he loved my braciole. What did he say to you about it?

Andy

(trying to change the subject) Did I ever show you how I can wiggle my ears? Look at this-- (He can't really)

Debra

(insistent) Andy, what did he say about the braciole?

Andy

I did not find it funny--

Debra

Andy!

Andy

He said it was Italian for roadkill! Please don't hurt me!