Ray Barone quotes from Everybody Loves Raymond

Debra

Would you look at this great big stain here? The carpet guy swore up and down that he could get it out.

Ray

I don't want to hear about stains. The kids are asleep, the house is quiet. Now it's quality time. Just me and you.

Debra

You better be looking at jewelry ads.

Marie

Your father has finally done it.

Ray

What's that, learned to buckle his pants?

Debra

Where's Frank?

Ray

By now he's probably taping the toilet seat so he never has to flush.

Ray

You hear that?

Debra

No, I don't hear anything.

Ray

That’s the sound of all our clothes being refolded.

Debra

You lost $2300 to your father?!?!

Ray

Relax, alright? We're gonna get the money back.

Debra

How?

Ray

When he dies.

Ray

What the hell are you doing?

Robert

"Good Cop/Bad Cop". It's just taking a little longer because there's only one of me.

Ray

For the last time I'm not taking the money. I lost it, that's all. I'm a big boy alright? If I take the money what kind of message does that send to my kids? That no matter what happened you can go to your father and he'll make everything ok?

Frank

You're right. You're right.

Ray

What, what am I right about?

Frank

You should be able to go to your father, and he should be able to make it ok. [Gives Ray his money back]

Frank

So Ray, you feel like a winner?

Ray

Not really.

Ally

My teacher says they had fish at the first Thanksgiving.

Ray

Yeah, well, people were stupid then, sweetie!

Debra

Look, Ray, we want to start our own tradition, and Ally wants it to be like the first Thanksgiving.

Ray

Well, why don't we have some smallpox then, too?

Ray

I got the last of the baking powder. I had to fight two old ladies to get it.

Debra

What did you do?

Ray

Nothing I'm proud of.

Debra

You know I gave up some stuff when we had kids.

Ray

I know...did it have to be sex?

Ray

Wait, Mickey Mantle didn't sign this ball? It isn't real?

Frank

It's a real ball.

Marie

What's the matter?

Ray

Nothing, nothing's the matter.

Debra

Oh nothing at all, except Ray was just about to tell Ally the truth about Santa Claus.

Marie

You what?!?!

Ray

NO, I didn't tell her.

Marie

My own son, an atheist?!?!

Robert

Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house! [to Ray] Ho, Ho, Ma told me what you did... nice.

Ray

There are now. Come on, Robert--

Robert

No, you have me mistaken for some other party for I am jolly old Saint Nick.

Debra

Look, Ally, it's Santa Claus.

Ally

Santa?

Robert

Yes, it is really I, and I came to see you Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. [to Ray] Unlike some other people. [in disgust] Ho ho ho ho ho.

Ray

Hold the ho's, I want to talk to you for a minute.

Robert

I'm sorry, I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Claus.

Frank

Where's Ally?

Frank

Ho-ho-holy crap. What are you doing here?

Robert

I'm Santa Claus.

Frank

You're Santa?

Ray

Okay, will you guys cut it out already. She's confused enough as it is.

Frank

What's there to be confused about? I'm the real Santa! Who is this impostor?

Debra

Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be Santa's helpers.

Frank

Right! He's my helper. Helper, why don't you warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?

Robert

I bet you can't even name the reindeer.

Frank

Rudolph! Donner, Blitzen... those are the main ones. We rotate them so they wear evenly. Cupid! Ajax! And... Lefty!

Robert

Now we know the truth.

Ally

It's Uncle Robert!

Robert

[in Santa voice] No, no. I have merely assumed the body of a life form suitable to you.

Ray

Robert, you're Santa, not a Klingon.