Why do you insist on making this car wreck our Christmas tree every year? I want a real tree.
An artificial tree saves water, saves the forest, and saves the planet. I'm a conservationist.
You're cheap.
Alright, I'm saving money.
“The Ball” · Season 1, Episode 12
In this episode: Ray Barone (4), Frank Barone (4), Debra Barone (3), Marie Barone (2), Robert Barone (1), Ally Barone (1)
Mommy is just wrestling daddy.
Wait, Mickey Mantle didn't sign this ball? It isn't real?
It's a real ball.
What's the matter?
Nothing, nothing's the matter.
Oh nothing at all, except Ray was just about to tell Ally the truth about Santa Claus.
You what?!?!
NO, I didn't tell her.
My own son, an atheist?!?!
[Robert enters dressed as Santa Claus]
Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house! [to Ray] Ho, Ho, Ma told me what you did... nice.
There are now. Come on, Robert--
No, you have me mistaken for some other party for I am jolly old Saint Nick.
[Ally walks in]
Look, Ally, it's Santa Claus.
Santa?
Yes, it is really I, and I came to see you Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. [to Ray] Unlike some other people. [in disgust] Ho ho ho ho ho.
Hold the ho's, I want to talk to you for a minute.
I'm sorry, I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Claus.
[Frank enters, dressed as Santa]
Where's Ally?
[Frank notices Robert]
Ho-ho-holy crap. What are you doing here?
I'm Santa Claus.
You're Santa?
Okay, will you guys cut it out already. She's confused enough as it is.
What's there to be confused about? I'm the real Santa! Who is this impostor?
Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be Santa's helpers.
Right! He's my helper. Helper, why don't you warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?
I bet you can't even name the reindeer.
Rudolph! Donner, Blitzen... those are the main ones. We rotate them so they wear evenly. Cupid! Ajax! And... Lefty!
Now we know the truth.
[Ally pulls off Robert's Santa beard]
It's Uncle Robert!
[in Santa voice] No, no. I have merely assumed the body of a life form suitable to you.
Robert, you're Santa, not a Klingon.
You mean that even though you know that ball's a fake it still means something to you?
Yeah, yeah dad.
Then this Christmas you're gonna love the Rolex I got you.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Everybody Loves Raymond pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.