Everybody Hates Chris quotes

Julius

So, what can Santa give you for Christmas?

A Malibu Barbie with the pink remote-controlled Corvette, the Barbie townhouse and the Barbie swimming pool.

Julius

Ooh. Do you know how much all that stuff costs?

No.

Julius

Well, Santa's gonna tell you. It costs $137.16. Do you have that kind of money?

No.

Julius

Well, neither does Santa.

Narrator

Welcome to my world, kid.

Mr. Omar

I know you lost your man, Mrs. Roberts, but with a body like that, I know Santa's gonna bring you another.

Julius

You're firing me at Christmastime?

Narrator

That's the only time you can fire Santa.

Narrator

Black Santa Claus caused more tears than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Narrator

Doc took the expression, "a token of my appreciation," literally.

Narrator

I don't know if he's more concerned because I lost consciousness, or because I lost a half-day's pay.

Tonya

Chris gets sick and now we can't get anything for Christmas.

Drew

Man, we were good for nothin'.

Rochelle

No, you were good because you were supposed to be good. I mean, what if there were no Christmas? Would you be runnin' around here startin' forest fires?

Julius, we've got a problem.

Narrator

You mean besides the fact that you've got a black Santa workin' at a white department store called Goldstein's?

Julius

What's wrong?

You're not presenting the image of Christmas that we want to promote, here at Goldstein's.

Julius

Image? What kinda image?

You're Santa Claus. You're not supposed to make the children cry.

Julius

But they need to learn the truth about life!

Julius

[to an Asian girl who wants an Easy-Bake Oven] Does that come with an easy-to-pay gas bill?

Greg

Am I going to have to call Child Protective Services on you?

Narrator

At least I didn't dangle my egg over a balcony like Michael Jackson!

Narrator

Growing up in Bed-Stuy, the worst thing my mother always said was that we'd better not bring home any babies. In fact, my mother was so paranoid, she didn't like anything in the house that even reminded her of a baby.

Rochelle

Boy, is that a baby?

Drew

No, that's a football.

Rochelle

Is that a baby?

Tonya

No, it's a shoebox.

Rochelle

Is that a baby?

Chris

No, it's baby carrots!

Narrator

I was so scared of bringing home babies, to this day, my mother hasn't seen my kids.

You're overbearing and clingy, and if you keep it up, you're gonna be a single father, too!

Narrator

20 years later, that's what Greg's mail-order bride said.

Narrator

It seemed like everyone had advice for raising a baby.

Kill Moves

You need to teach this boy how to protect himself. Now, I suggest the Brazilian two-finger neck snap! Want me to show you how it works?

Mr. Omar

Teach the baby to honor the mother and the father, and if the father should meet a tragic death, the baby shouldn't be upset if the mother makes friends with a nice man.

[off-screen] Omar, I need more bubbles!

Mr. Omar

Gotta go.

Risky

Teach this baby the difference between the knock-offs and the real thing. For instance, "Gucci" does not have an "H" in it.

Drew

I was watching that!

Julius

I've seen it. Rosebud's his sled.

I was listening to that!

Julius

I heard it. The baby ain't his.

Narrator

Got that right!

Jerome

[about Chris' egg] I'm only good at acting like it's not my baby.

Narrator

That year he won the Oscar for Best Non-Supporting Father.