[Ms. Morello gives Chris a brown egg to care for]
They're all the same on the inside.
Except my egg's gonna get pulled over by the police more.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
My father was evacuating to avoid Hurricane Rochelle.
The only thing I could do: Join the few, the proud, the hall monitors.
Later, I was thinking about Greg, and I wondered how my heroes would handle bein' a hall monitor. I thought about how Mr. T would handle it.
[as Mr. T] I pity the fool who ain't got no hall pass.
I thought about how Dirty Harry would handle it.
[as Dirty Harry] Well, I know what you're thinking. Was that the first bell or the second bell? Well, you have to ask yourself one question: Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?
I even thought about how the Terminator would handle it.
[as the Terminator] No citation? I'll be black.
To the rest of the students, well, they hate you.
They've always hated me.
True, but they used to hate you because you were black. Now they hate you because you're acting like a jerk.
And because I'm black.
When my mom worked, she had two jobs: her job and complaining about her job.
Every time my mother got a new job, there was always someone she hated. At the hospital, it was Tammy.
[Rochelle comes home dressed as a nurse]
So Tammy says to set the defibrillator to 200. I know how to set the defibrillator. I'm gonna defibrillate her!
At the fire station, it was Betty.
[Rochelle comes home dressed as a firefighter]
That damn Betty set the water pressure at a hundred pounds per square inch, when she know I told her to set it at 130 pounds per square inch! I shoulda turned the hose on her!
And at NASA, it was Belinda.
[Rochelle comes home dressed as an astronaut]
Can you believe that heifer? I told her to set the aft booster at 25,000 feet per second, and she looked at me like I'm crazy. Now, if we woulda got stuck in the ionosphere, she woulda been like, "Oh, well, what we gonna do now?" [to her family] More Tang?
And at the office, it was Charmaine.
And then when I got back from lunch, she done move my stapler. Talking about, "That's not where it goes." I told her I put it there, so that's where it goes.
[My dad] didn't hear a word she said.
My dad was willing to brave the elements to save his son, but to save money, he'd bought the cheapest tires known to man. He was the only black out in a whiteout.
Momma, do I have to go to school? I mean, it's snowin' like crazy.
It's snow, Chris, not Armageddon. Now hurry up. You know the buses are gonna be runnin' slow.
After spending a whole day with Principal Edwards, I no longer felt like an outsider. I had a new friend.
[puts a tardy slip on Chris] You're late.
What? A tardy slip? But what about yesterday?
That was in the past. We're in the now, Chris, and now you're late.
I haven't seen a sea of white like this since the Republican National Convention.
As long as you're you, there'll always be a Caruso.
I thought about living in Japan.
Arigato, Slappy.
In London...
Cheerio, Nipsy.
Morocco...
Asalamalakem, Flip.
It's algebra, the math of the unknown.
Then I must be doing great, 'cause I don't know it.
Algebra wasn't the only thing I didn't know, and everything I didn't know, he was determined to teach me. He taught me language.
Veni, vidi, vici. I came, I saw, I conquered.
Eenie, meenie, miney, mo, catch a tiger by the toe.
He taught me history.
The Vitruvian Man.
The Hangman. Pick a letter.
He taught me science.
Your turn.
Got anything bigger?
Please don't kill me in the name of science, ribbit!
Starting tomorrow, we're going to put some brains inside that head of yours.
And I'm gonna put a brick upside that head of yours!
Back at home, Drew was trying to watch hockey and wishing Tonya would just shut the puck up.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Everybody Hates Chris pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.