Ari Gold quotes from Entourage

I want an apology. Now.

Ari

Ladies, I'm sorry I'd like to congratulate each and every one of you, but unfortunately, Barbara's cock [women gasp in shock] is all I can handle right now! Congrats again...[leaves]

I'm not gonna take anymore of this shit.

Dana Gordon

Oh yes, you fucking are. Get your ass back here! [Verner walks back to her; Dana keeps pointing a finger at him] I hired you and you have a movie to finish that you are getting paid a lot of money to do and [raises voice] that's exactly what is going to fucking happen! Do you understand me!?

Ari Gold

I do. Anyone else turned on right now?

Do you have any plan to promote me?

Ari Gold

I haven't even thought about it.

Lloyd

Well you need to.

Ari

Lloyd...

Lloyd

[louder] Ari, promote me, or I'm leaving you!

Ari

Leaving me? [laughs] Where would you go?

Lloyd

To another agency.

Ari

Another agency? Lloyd, you have to start all over again. You know that.

Lloyd

Well, I'll go work for my father.

Ari

What, in the dry cleaners?

Lloyd

My father has a winery in Napa.

Ari

I don't think sodomy is legal in Napa, Lloyd. [laughs with Andrew Klein]

Lloyd

[after short pause] Every time I have broached this subject over the years, you have responded with some wise-ass comment. The time has come, I want to know if this is gonna happen. I want to know when, and I want to know today-

Ari

[stands up during Lloyd's speech] I WILL NOT BE STRONG-ARMED, LLOYD!

Lloyd

You just were, Ari Gold! [walks back to station]

Tough queer.

Ari

What do you need, office space, insurance, how many employees? What do you project to earn, what do you need to break even, at what point can your investors see some profit?!

Turtle

I don't know!

Ari

[ushers Turtle to seat] Look. When my son was born, my greatest fear was having this conversation. I knew that I would give him anything he wanted 'cause he was my son. I couldn't say No, which sucks, because it wouldn't help him and he'd just end up on the street doing heroin with the two Coreys, because I was too much of a pussy to teach him a lesson. I won't make that mistake with you. Just say No.

Turtle

I could pull this off, Ari.

Ari

Come back to me when you could prove it.

Ari

What I'm capable of doing and what you're capable of doing are two totally different things.

So what would you do?

Ari

I would make a scene of Biblical proportions. I would lie, scream, beg, borrow, and steal. If that somehow didn't part Amy Miller's legs then I would call racism and I would yell for all to hear: "You're really gonna fire my poor black client off the show he CREATED? I'm calling the NAACP, the Rev Al Sharpton, and the ghost of my man, Malcolm X!"

Awesome. Guess I'm gonna try my own thing.

Ari

Lloyd, come in here. [Lloyd enters office]

Lloyd

Yes, Mr Gold?

Ari

I want you to keep an eye on Andrew Klein.

Lloyd

Keep my eyes on him, how?

Ari

Pretend he's Zac Efron's ballsack.... and find me if you spot anything strange.

Turtle

[To Tom Brady] Do you picture yourself in a Giants jersey? That blue matches your eyes. [Brady is surprised]

Ari

[joins gang] How's your day, boys?

Turtle

We're having dinner at Tom Brady's house.

Ari

[to Brady] You know he's not a Make-A-Wish kid right? [gang laughs]

Lizzie Grant

I'd like to go back to my desk now. I'd like to do my job.

Ari

Go! [Lizzie leaves] You so much as eye-fuck another agent in this building, I will deport you naked to the Taliban.

Act as if you have faith, and fate shall be given to you.

Ari Gold

This is pathetic.

He's quoting me. It's the West Wing, the Assassination episode.

I had more of your quotes. I had a lot of ideas, amazing, brilliant ideas, but I couldn't get into my house. My wife wouldn't let me get them and I blew that chance. I blew my marriage and if I blew this with you, I'd blow my career too.

Ari

I'm sorry, Aaron-[Sorkin gestures him to let Andrew speak]

I drove into my own house for you Aaron. My own, uninsured, overpriced Beverly Hills motherfucking home. I took my car, and I put it into gear, and I drove it [cracking voice] right into my own goddamn living room...for you. Who else would do that? [cries]

[taps screen] I had a rough divorce too. I get it. [pause] We'll give it a shot.

Really?

Yeah, but if he [points to Ari] ever calls me, I'm gone. [hangs up and leaves]

You still there, Adam?

Yup.

Good. You're fired. I'm with Ari now.

Ari

Good Yontiff! [claps hands and breaks off link to Davies] Beautiful work, Zac, beautiful. You are now my new favorite client. I cannot wait to get you a producer credit on College Musical.

That's hilarious, Ari. How about a signing present? Something with four wheels and leather seats?

Lloyd

I'm sorry you feel that way, Ari.

Ari Gold

[over the phone] You're sorry, Lloyd?!?! You have NO IDEA how sorry you're going to be. I am going to destroy you, I am going to ERRODE every fiber of your spirit. You no longer exist, you are dead to me, and the town will know that anyone meeting with you, speaking with you, or even NODDING to you on the street will be dead as well. So die, Lloyd. Die, die, DIE! And when you're gagging on Davies' balls, I want you to bite down so he can die too!

I got you a blueberry grand muffin from the Belwood Bakery, 'cause I was told it's your favorite. [walks together with Ari]

Ari

It is...[gets muffin from paper bag] except this is cranberry. [Matt is flabbergasted] See the red berries? [shoves muffin and paper bag in Matt's face]

Um, I asked for blue-

Ari

Did you check?

No.

Ari

Bye, Matt. [leaves him behind]

So, back to Human Resources?

Ari

Back to the Iowa farmhouse that breastfed you 'til 15!

Is it true? Do you want to destroy these people, Ari?

Okay, yes. If I could GOUGE OUT Terrance McQuewick's eyeballs and eat them for what he did to me, I would. And I would sell that Benedict Arnold Adam Davies into white slavery if we lived in a place that had a market for it. And LLOYD, that little queen, who I welcomed into my home and allowed to play with my children and care for my dog and who left me for those two scumbags, I would tie him up and allow the entire Screen Actors Guild to anally rape him if not for the fact that I'd know he would enjoy it. I hate them all, and yes, I want to see them destroyed. But that is not why I want this company. I want - no, I need - this company, because it's good business. It's good goddamn business and if I don't buy it, someone else will and that will be very very bad for my business. And my wife, of all people, should know, that when it comes to business, my judgment is never clouded, so please [pleads to Mrs Ari] please support me like you always have, and I will deliver for us, like I always have.

So, what do you think?

I think it was a good speech.

Yeah.

Do what you need to do, Ari.

Really?[Mrs Ari nods] I love you. [Kisses Mrs Ari then to therapist] Can we fuck in here?

Drama

They gave me a holding deal!

Ari

The guy who grills my hot dogs at Carney's had a holding deal in 1978.

What do you think of the name the LA Gold?

Lizzie

I like it.

I love it!!

Lizzie

Congratulations!

Congratulations to you! Huh? [embraces Lizzie and begins dancing with her] You killed it in there by the way! Maybe I'll make you a cheerleader there, who knows?

Lizzie

I prefer a GM.

Whatever you want ... [sees Mrs Ari come in] You won't believe it, baby.

Hello, I am Ari's wife.