[on his version of ebonics, in his dream] I'm just a white guy from Ohio, I'm doing the best I can here.
S3Captain Lucidity
[as president, in Ed's dream] Say the word and I will Air Force One our asses to Cancun.
S3Business As Usual
[about Mike and Dr. Jerome] They're like two nine-year-olds fighting over a Zagnut bar.
With all due respect, Mrs. Burton, your husband is a slack jawed llama.
[explaining the consequences if Mike and Walter don`t get along] Dr. Jerome I will break into your house in the middle of the night and beat you with my bare fists.
[describing Frankie] Hello I'm a sweet little pixie one minute, and I'm a hot little pixie the next.
S3Babysitting
[to Mike, pondering Ed's qualifications for babysitting] Well, he's no weirder than you are and you're her father.
[to Ed about her daughter] If anything happens to her, I'll make it my life's work to destroy everything you hold dear.
[feeling Linda`s hands, kept smooth with her own moisturizer] Yup, pretty moist there Linda.
[to Phil, about Eli's arrival] Before he came, you were a cold narcissistic cipher. Now you seem almost human.
S3Second Chances
[to Mike, as hecontemplates buying a "how to" guide] I'm sure you're simply a fantastic lover.
[after wowing Nancy in bed] Men don't understand love making is a delicate blend between soul and flesh.
[to Nancy, who complained that he is not willing to make extra effort in the bedroom] You have been getting steak all week and are complaing about a turkey club now?
S3The Movie
[to Carol, refusing to let her give up on Ed] If you give up, I will kill you with my bare hands, which we both know I can do 'cause I?m quite a bit stronger.
[to Stella, as she breaks up with him] Panic is the enemy, Stella, panic is the enemy!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Ed pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.