[to Ed, on why he and Dennis will never be friends] You hate that Carol's marrying him and he hates that Carol should be marrying you.
S3May the Best Man Win
[about Ed's work ethic] I thought, hmmmm, he must be Amish.
S3The Wedding
MMark
[to Warren] You have created a level of lameness that can only be recreated under pure laboratory conditions.
[eating ice cream with Stella at the cemetery] Here we are enjoying all this creamy deliciousness and there they are, dead.
I fear losing my virginity would compromise my intense spirituality.
[about Stella] She's about as white as a trout's belly.
[examining prophylactics with Mark] Imagine something this ornate coming at you.
S3Trapped
[on Ed's gift of a tuning fork] It's time for me to get 'back in tune'. Isn't that so clever it just makes you sick!? When it comes to hackneyed freshman comp symbolism, no one does it like Edward Stevens!
[planning how to get Ed and Carol together] We could slip them a mickey. I don't know what exactly a mickey is, but I do know you slip them to people.
I'm going to proceed to pummel Mike with my bare fists till the soul rises from his body, then I'm going to grab his soul by the neck and start giving it open handed slaps-
[to Ed] You ain't gonna fire no brother in a wheelchair!
Or a very, very light skinned brother who's allergic to cat dander.
Carol, in my opinion, you and I have only one problem and that problem is you're in love with me but you're too afraid to admit it to yourself.
My honest opinion is you're in love with some ideal version of me that I can't possibly live up to.
S3Makeovers
MMark
[during his medical checkup with Mike] Far be it for me to criticize your bedside manner, but I do believe that was a sigh of despair you just heaved.
Mark, if you don't do something, and do it now, you're going to die.
[complimenting Mark on his Santa] You inhabit the role with a breezy confidence.
[to Mark, about his health] What am I supposed to do, shut up and watch you kill yourself?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Ed pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.