Wooldoor quotes from Drawn Together

Ever wonder why African-American black men are so attracted to large posteriors? Good day, I am Professor Wooldoor Sockbat, here to explain this completely racist phenomenon. [black-and-white footage is shown of an African tribesman being chased by a lion] For centuries, natives found large, roaming badonkadonks to be safe havens from the dangers of the wild. [The tribesman jumps into a large butt, stopping the lion in its tracks.] Their love of huge asses has been written into their genetic code. Even they don't know why... they just know. See you next time, when we explore why Jews have big noses! Is it because air is free?

[confessional] There's only one person who knows where the genie's lamp is, and he has sworn to never reveal its sacred location, but luckily, I know his only weakness. [Smells muffins] Ahhh.. [Smacks Wooldoor with a muffin pan] Tell us where the lamp is, you lousy lying piece of shit!

Lamp? [Gets smacked with time some more] I don't know what you're talking about?!

Listen, bitch! Tell us where the lamp is and maybe I'll talk to the D.A. about extenuating circumstances!

Guys, guys! Seriously, I don't even know what the lamp is!?

Xandir

Fuck this shit! I'm gonna off this glue-sniffing cocksucker right fucking now!

I've seen him do it, man!

I'll talk! I'll talk!

Bullies are people who hate themselves.

Me.

[giggles] Not me. For there are much

You're right!

Now, who's afraid of a bully?

Not me. No, not me.

When you stand up to the bully.

He'll flee.

Oh yes, he'll flee like the pathetic, insecure, cowardly loser he be.

[cries] My dear little friends! They're dead! DEAD! BECAUSE OF YOU!

Oh, God, I am so sorry!

You said you were my friend!

I am your friend!

YOU'RE A MURDERER!

[hugging Clara] I know! I know! Are you as turned on as I am?

What? What the hell did you say?!

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. When I get upset, I just say the craziest things! Can I borrow five bucks?

Just go, Wooldoor! Just go! To my bedroom, my purse is in the top drawer. There should be like, five, maybe ten dollars in there!

And Spanky tried to take him, but I sang your song and stood up to him!

[gasped] Oh! [kisses a chipmunk]

I'm so sorry, Clara, for everything I did. Oh, please, please, forgive me?

Oh, Wooldoor, I...I forgive you.

You do? Ohh! [He and Clara hugged] Hug.

[Confessional] Wooldoor took responsibility for what he did. And besides, to forgive is a mitzvah. [Confessional off] Oh, chipmunk. I didn't know I was leading you all into a trap. Can you ever forgive me?

I forgive you, my princess. And don't worry, I won't tell the others.

So, uh...you won't tell anyone that I'm indirectly responsible for the genocide of your people?

Uh...no. Of course not.

[sighs] I wish I could believe you. [casually kills the chipmunk]

[Confessional] I found it a bit odd that Captain Hero wanted to take Bleh out on a date, and it was my responsibility to make sure his intentions were pure. [Confessional off] So, Captain Hero, is it?

Oh! [chuckles] Yeah.

Coming to take my little Bleh out for a night on the town, eh? You know, I don't know what'd I do if anything happened to my little Bleh.

Yes, ma'am. I mean, no, ma'am.

Son, do you know what it's like to kill a man with your bare hands? [cocks a shotgun] I do.

I...Oh! Here's Bleh now! Wow! You look...stunning!

I am Sam's Dakota Fanning is worth the price of admission.

[getting shot with a dart by Clara] Ow! What the hell?

A little added protection. You'll get the antidote when I get my Bleh back.

Xandir

[holding Ling-Ling] Hey, Ling-Ling, are you excited for Christmas?

Xandir

Too bad there's no such thing as Santa Claus! I bet you're disappointed.

Hey, look what I found in your ear! Is it a quarter?

Oh, no, it's a tumor! [licks a sad Ling-Ling's secretion off and passes it to Wooldoor]

Hey, Ling-Ling, you, uh... excited for Christmas?

Oh, no! It’s a tumor! [licks a sad Ling-Ling's secretion off]

Ugh! You were just gonna leave that there? Bitch, pick it up!

Fuck you, fatty foopah!

Pick it up or I'm sending you back to hell! [pulls a gun at Captain Hero]

All right, Toot, drop your weapon! [pulls a gun at Toot]

Xandir

No, you drop it! [pulls a gun on Clara]

Spanky

Nobody holds a gun to my girl but me! [also pulls a gun on Clara]

All right, let's fucking do this! [has a lot of mulitiple arms with guns, knife, etc. pointed at everyone but himself] I'm not afraid to DIE!! [sprouts yet another arm with a gun pointed at himself]

You now found the treasure firmly in your hand, but then you woke up.

And it had turned to sand and now you have to face the facts.

Spanky

It's a huge shit sandwich.

Xandir

And you have to take a bite.

Ling-Ling

It's a huge shit sandwich.

And you got to take a big old steamin' bite.

Of the shit sandwich.

Xandir

You dreamed of A-list parties.

A talk show on late night.

But those dreams burned up like a concert with Great White.

Xandir

And you're like a club owner without insurance.

It's a huge shit sandwich.

Ling-Ling

And you have to take a bite.

It's a huge shit sandwich.

And you have to take a

Big old steamin' bite

Of the shit sandwich.

[screams] What is this unholy abomination?!

Hi, Clara. You're just in time to witness a fake gay marriage for the health insurance.

What? If gays get married, the institution of marriage will be destroyed! Societies will crumble! Rivers will run with blood! Nazis will once again ride on dinosaurs!

Spanky

I'll take care of this. [to Clara] Hey Clara, there's a Jew outside trying to poison a well!

[screams] Oh my God! [runs to well] Get away from that well, Hebrew!

What? I'm putting in water purification tablets!

Spanky tricked me. As God as my witness, I'll put an end to this gay marriage, I swear!

Nice tits.

Why!? Why doesn't Captain Hero want to marry me!? [cries] Why doesn't anyone love me? I'M SO ALONE!!

You're not alone. You've got me.

I don't want to end up like Nana. She spent her final years alone in a dank, smelly nursing home with nobody around to say "I love you"! [cries] By the time I got back from Spring Break 2003 Daytona Beach MTV Monster Party Jam Week...SHE WAS DEAD!!! [crying]

That's horrible!

I don't want to die alone!

I don't want to die alone either!

We have no choice!

We have to do something!

Like what?

Like get married!

[hugged Wooldoor] I do! You hear that, everyone? I'm marrying...what was your name again?

I'm marrying Wooldoor!

Larry the Tomato

I'm sorry for thinking impure thoughts. [whips himself]

I'm sorry for being so phallic. [whips himself]

I'm sorry for buying child slaves from third world countries. [whips herself]

Free! [drops his feather duster]

[to the Chinese boy] I said "I'm sorry", not "stop dusting!"

I'm sorry I masturbated! [whips himself] And I'm sorry I helped people! [whips himself again] And I'm sorry I spied on Clara going potty every morning!

What? That's disgusting!

You're one to talk, Princess Smell-Your-Wipes. [Clara whips him]

Please don't kill me! I don't want to die!

Don't be scared, Wooldoor. I saved them all from going to hell, and now I will save your soul too!

Oh... eh eh-eh-eh-eh!

Aah! Get off me! Get off me! I'm cured. The clum babies have cured me of my psychosis. I no longer cling to the comforting belief in an all-knowing power. Oh, dear. Did I do this? What have I done?! I thought I was doing god's work! No! No! I'm a monster. I can't live with this. [Gunshot]

Xandir

What is it, doc?

My dear house mates, I'm afraid Foxxy Love does not have a brain tumor. [the other housemates breathe a sigh of relief] I, too, would be relieved, if it didn't happen to be...OPPOSITE DAY!

Wait a minute, I'm confused. Does Foxxy have a brain tumor?

No.

What the hell? Is it opposite day or dramatic music string day?!

Neither!

Boys and girls...the brain! [the other housemates get out notepads] This is the part of the brain that controls your reflexes. [touches the brain and the patient's leg lifts up] This is the part of the brain that controls your bladder. [touches the brain again and blood squirts up from the patient] Man, that guy needs to see a doctor.

Spanky

Why? Is red pee bad?

What the hell does this have to do with Foxxy?!

I'm getting to that! This is the part of the brain that controls negative stereotype behavior.

[As a Jewish stereotype] Oy! I'll sue you for every penny! And then I'll invest it wisely!

Get the fuck out of the car. Move! Move! Move!

All right.

Shut up!

Just don't hurt me.

Now get in the trunk.

No way.

Get in the fucking trunk!

I don't wanna die!

"I don't wanna die." You're gonna fucking die. Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh! Whee! I'll show Captain Hero what a great sidekick I am.

Uh, gr-grandpa?