Xandir quotes from Drawn Together

Xandir

It just didn't make sense. When we licked Ling-Ling last time we got all fucked up, but this time nothing happened. Well, we got a little aroused...but not fucked up!

Xandir

Oh Tim! [Jumps into Captain Hero/Tim's arms] Last night was so special! I mean, I've had a lot of gay sex in my life, uhm, a lot of gay se- I mean a lot, a lot a lot a lot of gay se- I've had LOO-LOOOTS of gay sex, HUGE huuge amounts of [Tries to find words] LOOTS! [In confessional] Right, Craig?

I'm Toot. I'm a sex-symbol.

Xandir

I'm Xandir. I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend!

Girlfriend? You have a girlfriend?! When were you gonna tell me about this girlfriend?!

Xandir

But we just met, like, two seconds ago?

Oh yeah? Well, can your stupid girlfriend do this?

Save yourselves! [Flies out of the house]

[confessional] There's only one person who knows where the genie's lamp is, and he has sworn to never reveal its sacred location, but luckily, I know his only weakness. [Smells muffins] Ahhh.. [Smacks Wooldoor with a muffin pan] Tell us where the lamp is, you lousy lying piece of shit!

Lamp? [Gets smacked with time some more] I don't know what you're talking about?!

Listen, bitch! Tell us where the lamp is and maybe I'll talk to the D.A. about extenuating circumstances!

Guys, guys! Seriously, I don't even know what the lamp is!?

Xandir

Fuck this shit! I'm gonna off this glue-sniffing cocksucker right fucking now!

I've seen him do it, man!

I'll talk! I'll talk!

[knocking on door] Xandir, please come on out. It's totally cool that you're gay, stop beatin' yourself up.

Seriously, Xandir, it's not your place to punish yourself, it's God's!

Xandir

[in the bathroom] Leave me alone! I'm taking another gay test!

What? The only test in there is a pregnancy test!

Xandir

Oh, great, now I've got two problems.

The considerable alternative is anorexia. All the benefits of bulimia with none of the mess.

Does it really work?

Xandir

Of course it works! All you have to do is make sure to look in the mirror every day and see yourself as ugly and obese, no matter how much weight you lose.

Ling-Ling

Then everyone's happy.

[Confessional] I found it a bit odd that Captain Hero wanted to take Bleh out on a date, and it was my responsibility to make sure his intentions were pure. [Confessional off] So, Captain Hero, is it?

Oh! [chuckles] Yeah.

Coming to take my little Bleh out for a night on the town, eh? You know, I don't know what'd I do if anything happened to my little Bleh.

Yes, ma'am. I mean, no, ma'am.

Son, do you know what it's like to kill a man with your bare hands? [cocks a shotgun] I do.

I...Oh! Here's Bleh now! Wow! You look...stunning!

I am Sam's Dakota Fanning is worth the price of admission.

[getting shot with a dart by Clara] Ow! What the hell?

A little added protection. You'll get the antidote when I get my Bleh back.

Xandir

[holding Ling-Ling] Hey, Ling-Ling, are you excited for Christmas?

Xandir

Too bad there's no such thing as Santa Claus! I bet you're disappointed.

Hey, look what I found in your ear! Is it a quarter?

Oh, no, it's a tumor! [licks a sad Ling-Ling's secretion off and passes it to Wooldoor]

Hey, Ling-Ling, you, uh... excited for Christmas?

Oh, no! It’s a tumor! [licks a sad Ling-Ling's secretion off]

Ugh! You were just gonna leave that there? Bitch, pick it up!

Fuck you, fatty foopah!

Pick it up or I'm sending you back to hell! [pulls a gun at Captain Hero]

All right, Toot, drop your weapon! [pulls a gun at Toot]

Xandir

No, you drop it! [pulls a gun on Clara]

Spanky

Nobody holds a gun to my girl but me! [also pulls a gun on Clara]

All right, let's fucking do this! [has a lot of mulitiple arms with guns, knife, etc. pointed at everyone but himself] I'm not afraid to DIE!! [sprouts yet another arm with a gun pointed at himself]

Xandir, I can't help but think this is all your fault.

Xandir

What?! But I'm a certified air traffic controller with ten years of experience!

Spanky

I heard Gay Traffic Controller, with Gay Years of experience! [high-fives Captain Hero]

Spanky brings up a good point.

You now found the treasure firmly in your hand, but then you woke up.

And it had turned to sand and now you have to face the facts.

Spanky

It's a huge shit sandwich.

Xandir

And you have to take a bite.

Ling-Ling

It's a huge shit sandwich.

And you got to take a big old steamin' bite.

Of the shit sandwich.

Xandir

You dreamed of A-list parties.

A talk show on late night.

But those dreams burned up like a concert with Great White.

Xandir

And you're like a club owner without insurance.

It's a huge shit sandwich.

Ling-Ling

And you have to take a bite.

It's a huge shit sandwich.

And you have to take a

Big old steamin' bite

Of the shit sandwich.

Xandir

You're from Mortal Kombat? I'm from a video game too! Tell me, what's your special move?

[performs his Spear move on Xandir] GET OVER HERE! [performs a Head Rip Fatality]

Fatality!

Xandir

[comes back] Impressive! My special move is the reach-around!

Oy vey.

Can we talk about how great our new roommate is? She's, like, so great!

Xandir

To Sweetcake, for making us prove that we're all replacable.

And to the teeniest ass you can tap without setting off an AMBER Alert.

Spanky

Hey Xandir, do you know what job you'd be perfect for?

Xandir

Basket weaver?

Spanky

No, Director of Homo-land security. [laughs as Captain Hero walks in] Hey Cap, guess what I told Xandir?

That he should be Director of Homo-land security?

Spanky

How'd you know?

You told me like five times now, plus I've always said he's the right man for the job. [In confessional] If you fat cats up in Washington had the guts to appoint someone who thinks outside the box!

Paid for by the committee to elect homos.

[In confessional] The producers told us that we must start a business of our choosing. I wanted to have a bake sale, but the stereotypes had other ideas.

Xandir

Let's open a hair salon!

Ooh, we could shine shoes!

Ling Ling

I say full-release massage parlor that serves wok-fried puppies!

LET'S EAT POTATO SALAD!!!

[In confessional] Finally we all agreed...

A suicide hotline!

Suicide hotline? Who the hell came up with that?

(in confessional) Goddamned white producers with their goddamned white flashes. They can edit us to make us say whatever they want. My taint is made out of bacon. STOP IT! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, my taint. 100% pure bacon.

Xandir

Oh, come on, Captain Hero. You're not the lamest superhero ever. Come out of the dumpster.

No. This is where my mommy wanted me to be anyways.