A character in Drawn Together
Captain Hero
Drawn Together · 111 quotes
Most-quoted character in Drawn Together: in 44 of its 111 quotes
Most scenes with: Xandir (18), Clara (13), Spanky (11)
[Lyrics to You're My Hero]
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher and a hero.
Won't you come along and fly with me? Oh fly!
So high against the sky!
So high I almost touched the sky.
So high I'll fly with you.
You're my hero.
[In confessional] The club was jumpin', and Ling-Ling was surrounded by babes. But somehow we got stuck hanging out with Ling-Ling's lame friend, Steve from Long Island.
At last we meet, Super Nanny! So whatcha got? A little X-ray vision, heat vision or, like our president, no vision at all? [Laughs] [In confessional] That's Super Satire.
[In confessional] We started going out a lot and I think that Clara started to really like me. I was more excited than a passed-out college girl in my bedroom!
I'm Toot. I'm a sex-symbol.
I'm Xandir. I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend!
Girlfriend? You have a girlfriend?! When were you gonna tell me about this girlfriend?!
But we just met, like, two seconds ago?
Oh yeah? Well, can your stupid girlfriend do this?
[Toot dances the Charleston, shaking the house due to her weight]
Save yourselves! [Flies out of the house]
[Lyrics to Some Black Chick's Tongue]
What is this thing in my mouth?
It's slippery and its slimy
Traveling down my slender virgin pink esophagus
Some black chick's tongue,
It's such a new sensation.
I got a mayonnaise momma on my licking hole, oh yeah, Foxxy's gettin' some.
It's really quite thrilling.
That's right now, you know.
I think I taste a filling.
And it's solid gold.
Never dreamed I'd be so willing to let myself go.
Tell me about it, I'm totally frenchin' a racist ho!
This black chick's tongue. What a wonderful feeling.
Damn, where'd this bitch get her earrings?
I've never had so much fun.
As with this black chick's tongue.
How cool is this? We've only been here a day and I already find myself in a three way
[Clara is doing an interpretive dance, humming]
Really, when you was but a child. Your evil stepfather put a curse on your vagina?
What? Weren't you paying attention? My evil stepmother. Mother placed a curse on me.
Uh, DUUUUUH!
I never understood why she did it...until now. No man will ever want to enjoy the special hug with me. She did it so I'd never find my true love. [crying] Oh, but please, please don't tell anybody about my secret, and I'm afraid I must ask you guys to keep my secret with a pinky swear.
I pinky swear.
[they look at Toot]
Ugh! Fine, I swear too.
[gravelly voice] I pinky swear.
[knocks on door] Hey, Clara, Toot told us you have a monster for a vagina and we want to have a house meeting about it.
How is that even possible? [stares at Toot]
Oopsey-Tootsey. I couldn't help myself.
[Lyrics to La-la-la-la Labia]
La la la la labia baby you got something for me.
In your wizard's sleeve.
La la la la labia baby you got something for me.
Some sweet PT.
Hoochie coochie, gitchy gitchy, yeah, yeah, yeah, Gotta snatcha, gonna catcha, yatcha, yeah yeah yeah, Binja minja, bearded clam. Furry burger, smiley sam. La la la la labia baby you got something for me.
Oh, yes siree!
Fluffy muffy stuffy in the yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotta fever for the beaver weaver, yeah yeah yeah, Honey pot peachie pie.
Take it to the Y-clef.
La la la la labia baby you got something for me.
In your wizard's sleeve.
La la la la labia baby you got something for me.
Some sweet PT.
Bushy bushy, fishy squishy, yeah, yeah, yeah. Smelly jelly underbelly yeah yeah yeah. La la la la labia, baby you got something for me
In your wizard's sleeve.
La la la la labia baby you got something for me.
Some sweet PT.
Cookie nookie, slitty kitty, yeah, yeah, yeah, I diggy giggy, murky wiggy, yeah, yeah, yeah. La la la la labia baby you got something for me
In your wizard's sleeve.
La la la la labia, baby you got something for me
Some sweet PT.
La la la la labia, baby you got something for me
in your wizard's sleeve.
La la la la labia, baby you got something for me
Some sweet PT.
[Confessional] I found it a bit odd that Captain Hero wanted to take Bleh out on a date, and it was my responsibility to make sure his intentions were pure. [Confessional off] So, Captain Hero, is it?
Oh! [chuckles] Yeah.
Coming to take my little Bleh out for a night on the town, eh? You know, I don't know what'd I do if anything happened to my little Bleh.
Yes, ma'am. I mean, no, ma'am.
Son, do you know what it's like to kill a man with your bare hands? [cocks a shotgun] I do.
I...Oh! Here's Bleh now! Wow! You look...stunning!
I am Sam's Dakota Fanning is worth the price of admission.
[getting shot with a dart by Clara] Ow! What the hell?
A little added protection. You'll get the antidote when I get my Bleh back.
[Cut to Xandir, Toot, a sickly-looking Wooldoor and Ling-Ling having fun]
[holding Ling-Ling] Hey, Ling-Ling, are you excited for Christmas?
[Ling-Ling perks up and nods]
Too bad there's no such thing as Santa Claus! I bet you're disappointed.
[Xandir licks a sad Ling-Ling's secretion off and passes it to Toot]
Hey, look what I found in your ear! Is it a quarter?
[Ling-Ling perks up]
Oh, no, it's a tumor! [licks a sad Ling-Ling's secretion off and passes it to Wooldoor]
Hey, Ling-Ling, you, uh... excited for Christmas?
[Ling-Ling perks up]
Oh, no! It’s a tumor! [licks a sad Ling-Ling's secretion off]
Captain Hero!
Clara, it's not what you think!
[Bleh gibbering]
Get up! Get up right now!
I am Sam reduces Penn to a mugging embarrassment. Raves Milk Clark of USA today.
I don't care. Let's go!
Yeeeh...
Go back to your cage right now!
Well, look who's doing the limp of shame!
Well, nice work, Captain Hero. Here's the $50 I bet you have sex with Bleh.
[shocked] Oh!
Yeeeeeh!
Oh, um, I mean, uh...here is the $50 Captain Hero won off me, because I bet him he would not have sex with your special cousin Bleh. But he did, in fact, have sex with her. Oh, yes, he did. For $50. Oh, man. Saved it.
[Captain Hero facepalm]
Captain Hero, I forbid you to see my cousin ever again!
Ugh! You were just gonna leave that there? Bitch, pick it up!
Fuck you, fatty foopah!
Pick it up or I'm sending you back to hell! [pulls a gun at Captain Hero]
All right, Toot, drop your weapon! [pulls a gun at Toot]
No, you drop it! [pulls a gun on Clara]
Nobody holds a gun to my girl but me! [also pulls a gun on Clara]
All right, let's fucking do this! [has a lot of mulitiple arms with guns, knife, etc. pointed at everyone but himself] I'm not afraid to DIE!! [sprouts yet another arm with a gun pointed at himself]
[Lyrics to Shit Sandwich]
You now found the treasure firmly in your hand, but then you woke up.
And it had turned to sand and now you have to face the facts.
It's a huge shit sandwich.
And you have to take a bite.
It's a huge shit sandwich.
And you got to take a big old steamin' bite.
Of the shit sandwich.
You dreamed of A-list parties.
A talk show on late night.
But those dreams burned up like a concert with Great White.
And you're like a club owner without insurance.
It's a huge shit sandwich.
And you have to take a bite.
It's a huge shit sandwich.
And you have to take a
Big old steamin' bite
Of the shit sandwich.
Can we talk about how great our new roommate is? She's, like, so great!
To Sweetcake, for making us prove that we're all replacable.
And to the teeniest ass you can tap without setting off an AMBER Alert.
Hey Xandir, do you know what job you'd be perfect for?
Basket weaver?
No, Director of Homo-land security. [laughs as Captain Hero walks in] Hey Cap, guess what I told Xandir?
That he should be Director of Homo-land security?
How'd you know?
You told me like five times now, plus I've always said he's the right man for the job. [In confessional] If you fat cats up in Washington had the guts to appoint someone who thinks outside the box!
Paid for by the committee to elect homos.
XandirJack Plotnick · 31 quotes
TToot27 quotes
WWooldoor25 quotes
SpankyAdam Carolla · 22 quotes
Ling-LingAbbey DiGregorio · 10 quotes
JPJew Producer5 quotes
BBambi4 quotes
BCBob the CucumberJames Barkley · 4 quotes
Larry the TomatoJames Arnold Taylor · 3 quotes
OctopussoirJess Harnell · 3 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Drawn Together pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.