Clara quotes from Drawn Together

What is this thing in my mouth?

I got a mayonnaise momma on my licking hole, oh yeah, Foxxy's gettin' some.

It's really quite thrilling.

That's right now, you know.

I think I taste a filling.

And it's solid gold.

Never dreamed I'd be so willing to let myself go.

Tell me about it, I'm totally frenchin' a racist ho!

This black chick's tongue. What a wonderful feeling.

Damn, where'd this bitch get her earrings?

I've never had so much fun.

As with this black chick's tongue.

How cool is this? We've only been here a day and I already find myself in a three way

What happens in fairy tales after the princess has her first kiss? Hmm?

She runs away with a sexy one-eyed pirate who loves as fiercely as he lives.

Not that fairy tale, food-for-brains! The other one!

Let's see. They live happily ever after in a castle with a couple of...kids! Oh my God, I am pregnant!

Ling-Ling

[in Japanese gibberish] Oh my God, the sink's full of dirty dishes again.

So you see, Clara. You can't get pregnant from a kiss.

But...[She stands up and runs off into upstairs] But...Oh no! [crying]

Well, what's wrong now? You should be happy you ain't pregnant.

No man will ever want to put his pee-pee in my giggy!

Really, when you was but a child. Your evil stepfather put a curse on your vagina?

What? Weren't you paying attention? My evil stepmother. Mother placed a curse on me.

Uh, DUUUUUH!

I never understood why she did it...until now. No man will ever want to enjoy the special hug with me. She did it so I'd never find my true love. [crying] Oh, but please, please don't tell anybody about my secret, and I'm afraid I must ask you guys to keep my secret with a pinky swear.

I pinky swear.

Ugh! Fine, I swear too.

Octopussoir

[gravelly voice] I pinky swear.

[knocks on door] Hey, Clara, Toot told us you have a monster for a vagina and we want to have a house meeting about it.

How is that even possible? [stares at Toot]

Oopsey-Tootsey. I couldn't help myself.

There's got to be a way a break this curse.

The only person who knows how is my evil stepmother. And I can't ask her. We're in a fight. Fine. I'll call her on my mirror. Call evil step-mom.

Ah, well, well, well, look who's finally calling to apologize.

I'm not apologizing! You should apologize!

For what, trying to make you happy?

You thought marrying my father would make me happy?!

You never gave me a chance!

Why should I? You're not my mother!

I never said I was!

THEN STOP PRETENDING TO BE!

Clara, your mother's dead! [gasps in shock] The good lord and your father's drunken carriage driving took her away from us, and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

I miss her. I miss her so much, it hurts. I'm sorry.

Me too, dear. Me too. OK, now that we got that cleared up, I should probably tell you how to break the pesky little curse.

Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Do tell me how to break the curse...Mom.

Oh, Clara, thank you.

[confessional] There's only one person who knows where the genie's lamp is, and he has sworn to never reveal its sacred location, but luckily, I know his only weakness. [Smells muffins] Ahhh.. [Smacks Wooldoor with a muffin pan] Tell us where the lamp is, you lousy lying piece of shit!

Lamp? [Gets smacked with time some more] I don't know what you're talking about?!

Listen, bitch! Tell us where the lamp is and maybe I'll talk to the D.A. about extenuating circumstances!

Guys, guys! Seriously, I don't even know what the lamp is!?

Xandir

Fuck this shit! I'm gonna off this glue-sniffing cocksucker right fucking now!

I've seen him do it, man!

I'll talk! I'll talk!

[knocking on door] Xandir, please come on out. It's totally cool that you're gay, stop beatin' yourself up.

Seriously, Xandir, it's not your place to punish yourself, it's God's!

Xandir

[in the bathroom] Leave me alone! I'm taking another gay test!

What? The only test in there is a pregnancy test!

Xandir

Oh, great, now I've got two problems.

Bullies are people who hate themselves.

Me.

[giggles] Not me. For there are much

You're right!

Now, who's afraid of a bully?

Not me. No, not me.

When you stand up to the bully.

He'll flee.

Oh yes, he'll flee like the pathetic, insecure, cowardly loser he be.

[cries] My dear little friends! They're dead! DEAD! BECAUSE OF YOU!

Oh, God, I am so sorry!

You said you were my friend!

I am your friend!

YOU'RE A MURDERER!

[hugging Clara] I know! I know! Are you as turned on as I am?

What? What the hell did you say?!

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. When I get upset, I just say the craziest things! Can I borrow five bucks?

Just go, Wooldoor! Just go! To my bedroom, my purse is in the top drawer. There should be like, five, maybe ten dollars in there!

And Spanky tried to take him, but I sang your song and stood up to him!

[gasped] Oh! [kisses a chipmunk]

I'm so sorry, Clara, for everything I did. Oh, please, please, forgive me?

Oh, Wooldoor, I...I forgive you.

You do? Ohh! [He and Clara hugged] Hug.

[Confessional] Wooldoor took responsibility for what he did. And besides, to forgive is a mitzvah. [Confessional off] Oh, chipmunk. I didn't know I was leading you all into a trap. Can you ever forgive me?

I forgive you, my princess. And don't worry, I won't tell the others.

So, uh...you won't tell anyone that I'm indirectly responsible for the genocide of your people?

Uh...no. Of course not.

[sighs] I wish I could believe you. [casually kills the chipmunk]

[Confessional] I found it a bit odd that Captain Hero wanted to take Bleh out on a date, and it was my responsibility to make sure his intentions were pure. [Confessional off] So, Captain Hero, is it?

Oh! [chuckles] Yeah.

Coming to take my little Bleh out for a night on the town, eh? You know, I don't know what'd I do if anything happened to my little Bleh.

Yes, ma'am. I mean, no, ma'am.

Son, do you know what it's like to kill a man with your bare hands? [cocks a shotgun] I do.

I...Oh! Here's Bleh now! Wow! You look...stunning!

I am Sam's Dakota Fanning is worth the price of admission.

[getting shot with a dart by Clara] Ow! What the hell?

A little added protection. You'll get the antidote when I get my Bleh back.

Xandir

[holding Ling-Ling] Hey, Ling-Ling, are you excited for Christmas?

Xandir

Too bad there's no such thing as Santa Claus! I bet you're disappointed.

Hey, look what I found in your ear! Is it a quarter?

Oh, no, it's a tumor! [licks a sad Ling-Ling's secretion off and passes it to Wooldoor]

Hey, Ling-Ling, you, uh... excited for Christmas?

Oh, no! It’s a tumor! [licks a sad Ling-Ling's secretion off]

Captain Hero!

Clara, it's not what you think!

Get up! Get up right now!

I am Sam reduces Penn to a mugging embarrassment. Raves Milk Clark of USA today.

I don't care. Let's go!

Yeeeh...

Go back to your cage right now!

Spanky

Well, look who's doing the limp of shame!

Spanky

Well, nice work, Captain Hero. Here's the $50 I bet you have sex with Bleh.

[shocked] Oh!

Yeeeeeh!

Spanky

Oh, um, I mean, uh...here is the $50 Captain Hero won off me, because I bet him he would not have sex with your special cousin Bleh. But he did, in fact, have sex with her. Oh, yes, he did. For $50. Oh, man. Saved it.

Captain Hero, I forbid you to see my cousin ever again!

I'm doing this for your own good. You need to stay away from a.) this house...

Well then, I guess this is goodbye. [the doorbell rings] Well then, I guess that's the doorbell. [the pizza man shows up at the door] Well then, I guess that's the pizza man.

What the hell do you want?!

Someone ordered the pizza.

Spanky

That would be me. No one puts baby in the corner.

OK, here's how it's gonna go down. I'm going to finish my hair. Spanky, you order the pizza. And Clara, you go into the confessional and tell the camera how you never felt so alive.

[In confessional] My first naughty prank! I have never felt so alive!