Toot quotes from Drawn Together

(offscreen) Hey, assholes, thanks for watching!

I'm Toot. I'm a sex-symbol.

Xandir

I'm Xandir. I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend!

Girlfriend? You have a girlfriend?! When were you gonna tell me about this girlfriend?!

Xandir

But we just met, like, two seconds ago?

Oh yeah? Well, can your stupid girlfriend do this?

Save yourselves! [Flies out of the house]

What happens in fairy tales after the princess has her first kiss? Hmm?

She runs away with a sexy one-eyed pirate who loves as fiercely as he lives.

Not that fairy tale, food-for-brains! The other one!

Let's see. They live happily ever after in a castle with a couple of...kids! Oh my God, I am pregnant!

Ling-Ling

[in Japanese gibberish] Oh my God, the sink's full of dirty dishes again.

Really, when you was but a child. Your evil stepfather put a curse on your vagina?

What? Weren't you paying attention? My evil stepmother. Mother placed a curse on me.

Uh, DUUUUUH!

I never understood why she did it...until now. No man will ever want to enjoy the special hug with me. She did it so I'd never find my true love. [crying] Oh, but please, please don't tell anybody about my secret, and I'm afraid I must ask you guys to keep my secret with a pinky swear.

I pinky swear.

Ugh! Fine, I swear too.

Octopussoir

[gravelly voice] I pinky swear.

[knocks on door] Hey, Clara, Toot told us you have a monster for a vagina and we want to have a house meeting about it.

How is that even possible? [stares at Toot]

Oopsey-Tootsey. I couldn't help myself.

The considerable alternative is anorexia. All the benefits of bulimia with none of the mess.

Does it really work?

Xandir

Of course it works! All you have to do is make sure to look in the mirror every day and see yourself as ugly and obese, no matter how much weight you lose.

Ling-Ling

Then everyone's happy.

[Confessional] I found it a bit odd that Captain Hero wanted to take Bleh out on a date, and it was my responsibility to make sure his intentions were pure. [Confessional off] So, Captain Hero, is it?

Oh! [chuckles] Yeah.

Coming to take my little Bleh out for a night on the town, eh? You know, I don't know what'd I do if anything happened to my little Bleh.

Yes, ma'am. I mean, no, ma'am.

Son, do you know what it's like to kill a man with your bare hands? [cocks a shotgun] I do.

I...Oh! Here's Bleh now! Wow! You look...stunning!

I am Sam's Dakota Fanning is worth the price of admission.

[getting shot with a dart by Clara] Ow! What the hell?

A little added protection. You'll get the antidote when I get my Bleh back.

Xandir

[holding Ling-Ling] Hey, Ling-Ling, are you excited for Christmas?

Xandir

Too bad there's no such thing as Santa Claus! I bet you're disappointed.

Hey, look what I found in your ear! Is it a quarter?

Oh, no, it's a tumor! [licks a sad Ling-Ling's secretion off and passes it to Wooldoor]

Hey, Ling-Ling, you, uh... excited for Christmas?

Oh, no! It’s a tumor! [licks a sad Ling-Ling's secretion off]

Ugh! You were just gonna leave that there? Bitch, pick it up!

Fuck you, fatty foopah!

Pick it up or I'm sending you back to hell! [pulls a gun at Captain Hero]

All right, Toot, drop your weapon! [pulls a gun at Toot]

Xandir

No, you drop it! [pulls a gun on Clara]

Spanky

Nobody holds a gun to my girl but me! [also pulls a gun on Clara]

All right, let's fucking do this! [has a lot of mulitiple arms with guns, knife, etc. pointed at everyone but himself] I'm not afraid to DIE!! [sprouts yet another arm with a gun pointed at himself]

[In confessional] The producers told us that we must start a business of our choosing. I wanted to have a bake sale, but the stereotypes had other ideas.

Xandir

Let's open a hair salon!

Ooh, we could shine shoes!

Ling Ling

I say full-release massage parlor that serves wok-fried puppies!

LET'S EAT POTATO SALAD!!!

[In confessional] Finally we all agreed...

A suicide hotline!

Suicide hotline? Who the hell came up with that?

(in confessional) Goddamned white producers with their goddamned white flashes. They can edit us to make us say whatever they want. My taint is made out of bacon. STOP IT! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, my taint. 100% pure bacon.

I'm cured! Oh, I'm cured! My therapist made me realize that it's not my fault my parents are dead. I couldn't have stopped Zebulon from crashing into the sun.

You mean the planet Zebulon? Zebulon didn't crash into no sun, Captain Tardo.

What'choo talkin' 'bout, Foxxy?

Zebulon is a triving planet with a booming economy.

Huh, yeah right. [snort] As if.

We order Zebulonese takeout food all the time. You love the deep fried Zebulonads.

I never put the two together.

Spanky

Don't you remember? We went to Zebulon for spring break.

Dude, I was so wasted the whole time!

Xandir

Plus, we're stealing out cable from Zebulon.

Okay, okay! I get it!

Spanky

How else could we watch Everybody Loves Zorgleblat? Man, I hate that Patricia Hetenglab, what a clexblunt.

Well then, if Zebulon didn't blow up, that would mean...my parents are still alive...oh my God. Oh my God! OH MY GOD!

And I don't want to be responsible for no stupid-ass suicide hotline.

Oh, come on, Foxxy, this time it'll be different. We'll stick with it!

: I lit a homeless girl on fire!

What the? That's horrible! Who said that?

Fire's happy now.

What's going on in here?

Oh, nothing, Captain Shero is just trying to take my barrette!

It's pronounced Captain "Hero", the 'S' is silent, you hit-head!

Xandir

What is it, doc?

My dear house mates, I'm afraid Foxxy Love does not have a brain tumor. [the other housemates breathe a sigh of relief] I, too, would be relieved, if it didn't happen to be...OPPOSITE DAY!

Wait a minute, I'm confused. Does Foxxy have a brain tumor?

No.

What the hell? Is it opposite day or dramatic music string day?!

Neither!

Boys and girls...the brain! [the other housemates get out notepads] This is the part of the brain that controls your reflexes. [touches the brain and the patient's leg lifts up] This is the part of the brain that controls your bladder. [touches the brain again and blood squirts up from the patient] Man, that guy needs to see a doctor.

Spanky

Why? Is red pee bad?

What the hell does this have to do with Foxxy?!

I'm getting to that! This is the part of the brain that controls negative stereotype behavior.

[As a Jewish stereotype] Oy! I'll sue you for every penny! And then I'll invest it wisely!

A baby, from Nicaragua.

A baby! A baby from Nicaragua! [kisses the baby's face 8 times] Come on, baby from nicaragua, let's go fix mommy's life.

Xandir

Toot, where the hell you think you're going?

[carries her vodka bottle] The store. Mommy's completely run out of medicine.

Toot, if you don't start takin' care of your child, she gonna be real messed up!

Xandir

She's right, Toot. I mean, Ling-Ling was about to kill your baby.

Don't tell how to raise my baby! I know how to keep it safe! [puts herself and her baby inside a ring of fire] Who would dare to enter the Circle of Fire? Toodles! [exits the ring of fire and her coat is caught on fire]