I'm just nice. You have nice/pussy confusion.
S2 E6The Acupuncturist
S2 E7The Doll
Stop scratching your balls and tell me where it is! All right, just get me the fucking [doll] head, all right?! Get me the fucking head, all right!? Both of you, I've had it! You four-eyed fuck and you fat piece of shit! Get me the head!
Excuse me.
AAmy
Yeah?
Do you work here?
AAmy
No.
How come you told me to, to get rid of the water, then?
AAmy
I saw you coming in with water, there's no water, it's the rules.
I don't understand how it's your concern, you don't work here.
AAmy
It's the rules!
Rules?
AAmy
The sign says no food or drink in the theater, I'm sure we would all like to have water.
Oh yeah, we're all dying of thirst. What are you, the hallway monitor here?
AAmy
Who are you that the rules don't apply?
I'm applying the golden rule, are you?
AAmy
I don't think the golden rule applies here.
If you had water, would you want me to tell you not to bring it in? I don't think so!
AAmy
How about common courtesy, bud?
Oh?
AAmy
A little common courtesy.
That doesn't supersede the golden rule! That's the big one.
So, tomorrow night, you guys wanna go to dinner before part two?
Uhmm...
No.
Well, I do wanna go to part two.
No.
You gotta go to part two! You're a part of the ABC Family!
Yeah, we're definitely going to part two.
Yeah, but we're not going to dinner with you though.
We've already made plans.
We don't have any plans, we just don't wanna go to dinner with you.
See this thing?
TTara
Uh-huh.
It's called a Swiss Army Knife.
TTara
Mm-hm.
You heard of Switzerland?
TTara
Um, yeah.
It's a country in Europe and they don't like to fight.
TTara
Huh.
They let everybody do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.
Jesus Christ! My penis is itching!
You know what? You put that doll head down there and who knows what that hair is made out of. You've got a allergic reaction, I'm telling you.
Yeah, I think I got some kinda rash. I gotta check out my penis, I have to go to the doctor now? That's going to be a lot of fun; "Where'd you get the rash?" "Oh, I stuck a doll's head down my pants, Doctor. It feels good to me!"
TTara
Mommy, Mommy, that bald man is in the bathroom and there's something hard in his pants!
S2 E8Shaq
I’ll have a vanilla…one of those vanilla bullshit things. You know, whatever you want, some vanilla bullshit latte cappa thing. Whatever you got.
This is very good, by the way. Thank you. Is this a cafe latte? What is that? Milk..
SEStarbucks Employee
Milk, uh...
Milk and coffee.
SEStarbucks Employee
Milk and coffee, yeah.
Milk and coffee! Who would've thought? Milk and coffee!
You know, we need to go now.
Oh my God, what a drink! It's milk and coffee mixed together! You've gotta go there! Sit down, have a doughnut! Have a bagel!
S2 E9The Baptism
Grape works as a soda. Sort of as a gum. I wonder why it doesn’t work as a pie. Grape pie? There’s no grape pie.
Seven years ago, I was in Paris and I remember it exac -
Forget Paris!
All right, you stole my outgoing message on my answering machine.
What are you crazy? What are you nuts?
Listen, I know you're ethicial. I'm ethical. You know when people steal jokes you fuckin' hate that? I hate it when people fuckin' steal my outgoing message. I came up with that message.
You don't even know what you're talking about.
You have the same answering machine outgoing message!
That's my message!
I wrote it in Paris!
You wrote it in Paris?! I had that message seven years ago!
Bullshit! You know what? I wrote it seven and a half years ago!
Listen, whose memory are you going to trust? An ex-alcoholic? Or a person who was lucid 24 hours a day his whole life? (Laughing)
Do me a favor. Just please change it because it's really bothering me.
(Still laughing) What? I'm not.
Listen, people call me and they call you and they go "Oh well Larry David has the same thing." It's not fuckin' Larry David's, it's mine! I mean I don't have a wife, my parents are dead. You have a family!
Oh, oh. He doesn't have a wife and his parents are dead.
That's right! I hold on to these things.
(fakes crying) He doesn't have a wife and his parents are dead. Oh.
Do me a favor and change it.
(Continues fake-crying) Yeah I'll change it because you don't have a wife and your parents, your parents they're dead! They would have been 95 but they're dead!
Do you think we really needed Alaska and Hawaii? They gotta ruin everything. They ruined the continental United States. Ruined it! We have a beautiful Pacific coast, Atlantic coast, that’s the continental United States. You don’t need more states. We’re not the British Empire. Are they trying to turn us into the British Empire? And what is Puerto Rico, anyway?
MIMan in Airport
What's the name on here? Is it yours? No, it's mine, Chris Darga. See, now if this were yours it would say "Fucking Douchebag"!
S3 E2The Benadryl Brownie
Why'd you fire the black man?
I fired the black man... because... he's the guy who set up the whole system here and it doesn't work! And he's here like... every week, I'm givin' him checks, we've got five remotes, I can't turn it on... but I know, you know, a black man can never do anything wrong, at least to get fired from a job! Black people always do everything right!
[walks over to TV, pushes button - the TV works] You gotta turn the damn satellite on for the TV to work! See the little green light? Just gotta turn it on! Or you can fire the black man. Whatever works for you.
S3 E3Club Soda and Salt
You know what? You gotta stop that grunting.
What are you talking about?
You grunt every shot. Every shot you hit you go "UHH! UHH!". You make this disgusting noise. You don't hear it?
No.
What do you mean "no"?
That's how I play tennis. I didn't even know I was doing it.
Well, you grunt every shot and it's really annoying, and it's throwing me off.
Oh! Is that why you're losing?
It sounds like pigs fucking!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Curb Your Enthusiasm pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.