TV show quotes
I think I am just going to get a Cobb Salad. I'd like to make a few substitutions, if that's OK. I'll get... no bacon. No eggs. Blue cheese on the side.
Are you sure you want a Cobb Salad? Do you do that every time you order that salad?
Do you have a problem with it?
It's my grandfather's salad. I'm a Cobb of Cobb Salad fame.
I think that this is a real bullshit story.
You know, my grandfather's name was Harold Bingo, and he invented the game "Bingo."
(to Shelley Cobb) You know we should have sex sometime.
(to Larry) Are you Jewish?
You wanna check my penis?
(to Larry) You know what you are, you are a self-loathing Jew.
Well I do hate myself, but it has nothing to do with being Jewish.
It's Halloween, can we get some candy?
Yeah, it's Halloween but that doesn't mean you can go around to people's houses and bilk candy from them.
"Bald Asshole"? That's a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.
I'm bald and I'm not offended.
With all due respect, Officer Berg, you are not bald. You've chosen to shave your hair and that's a look you're cultivating in order to look fashionable, but we don't really consider you part of the bald community...with all due respect.
[Larry checks the Chinese take out]
This isn't our food.
Did you check the order before you left?
Yeah, I did, but I decided to take the wrong food home. Thank you for inquiring.
How were the garlic noodles the other night?
What?
The garlic noodles?
I didn't touch your garlic noodles.
I didn't say you touched my garlic noodles. They were your garlic noodles.
Right.
But you did touch the shrimp.
How could you not go in with an ace high? Oh, you cunt, what a cunt!
So I'm really happy with my new sneakers. You know, 'cause they're gray. And, if you think about it's a good color, 'cause white is really too bright and black is like a pair of shoes. And gray is kind of like right in the middle. They look good.
I'm feeling pretty good. Pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty good.
Big family?
Yeah. Five brothers and sisters, you know, Irish.
You ever catch your parents having sex?
No...
Me either.
Thank you for your time and for donating the lunch. We really appreciate it.
Please, whatever you need. I'll donate anything you want. I'll donate it all. My time, my organs. What do you want? You want a kidney? I'll give you a kidney. What else do you need? I've got a terrific penis. I could donate a penis. I've got a good spleen. Excellent spleen. [sings the "Mr. Clean" commercial jingle]:"Mr. Spleen gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute. Mr. Spleen will clean your whole house and everything that's in it, Mr. Spleen."
I don't know why you call him an asshole. He's not an asshole, he's just shy.
No, he's not shy. He thinks he's smarter than ever everbody else and he sits there and he judges and he--
No, he doesn't, he's just shy! You got shy/asshole confusion, my friend.
No, I don't think so.
Yes, I think so, my friend.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Curb Your Enthusiasm pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
