TV show quotes
That took a long time. You may need a prostate exam.
My prostate is just fine. I'm not a soda fountain.
Well, hopefully you are, 'cause I need a number two as quickly as possible.
What is this all about?
The victims body was found in the sewer. Ambient temperature 80 degrees. The corrosive chemicals caused the body to decompose faster than normal. And I wanna find out how much faster. Today.
This is some kind of CSI hazing. Make me appreciate blood and semen more.
I heard you finally lost your virginity. (Greg gives her a look and Sara smiles) First autopsy, how was it?
It was fine. How was your first time? How'd you react?
I puked.
I didn't puke.
Way to go, tough guy.
Did I ever tell you the city paid me a dollar a square foot to rip out my lawn and replace it with rocks? Because we were in a drought.
Are you kiddin' me?
No.
This city was not made for rain.
(About the victim in the drain)
Well, at least we know where he came from. (shines his flashlight down the sewer)
Aren't we going to at least draw straws?
No.
Sons of bitches! I'm gonna sue your ass into the ground. I hope you know that. Yeah. I'm gonna own you. I'm gonna own this whole place. In fact, maybe that's where I'll live. I'm just gonna move in here.
Let me guess, he lawyered up?
Yeah. He stopped talking right after I told him we blew up his house.
(to Grissom after sweeping the garage for bombs) Only one thing you need to worry about: If you see me running, make sure you keep up.
Just hedging my bets.
How so?
Well, I need field experience, but before I get that, I need to find a replacement. So far, I'm oh-for-one. Plus, she's hot and thinks you're a tool, so I'm way ahead.
Childhood keeps getting shorter and shorter... you know why that is?
Catherine (sobbing): I actually don't know!
Listen... I'm, uh... I'm sick. You know, I got this-this, this illness, which... look. I don't want to go back to prison. That's why I'm being so compliant. Now, yo, I don't work near no little kids. I stay a hundred yards from the school grounds. Man, I don't even go to the park.
It's not a disease. It's a compulsion.
I stay away from youth organizations, after-school programs, churches...
We found a pair of boy's underwear in your bedroom. Explain that.
I look at the photos. I look at the photos and I have the briefs for, um... release.
So you fantasize, and eventually, the fantasy's not enough and you relapse.
Hey, they're mine. I bought the underwear!
Well, if that's true, then you were in a store where little children were shopping with their mothers.
And what would you have me do, huh, man? What?! I mean, I even thought about chemical castration.
Medroxyprogesterone is inconclusive. It renders the subject incapable of erection, but it doesn't remove the drive. You would still be capable of sexual assault using other objects.
Listen... um, I haven't done anything, uh, illegal, so you can't hold me in here forever. Oh, is that killing look in your eyes a compulsion, Mr. Grissom?
Warrick (looking at the map of registered sex offenders): Phew! That's a lot of perverts.
Get out of jail, come to Vegas.
Nick. You failed your firearm qualifications. You can't be here.
Oh yeah, well, I'm takin' it again, day after tomorrow. So I figured I could work.
Not in the field.
You're serious?
You're in violation just carrying a weapon.
This counts as field work, you know.
Oh, I'm smiling on the inside.
Dirty laundry or garbage? (before Greg can answer) You know what? You take garbage.
Thanks.
Catherine (to Lindsey): Mouthing off to teachers, slipping grades, and now hitchhiking. I mean what's next Lindsey?
Lindsey (muttering): Stripping.
What did you just say? Okay, no phone, no friends, no nothing.
For how long?
A month.
Whatever.
Hey, you want to make it two?
Dad always said you were a drama queen.
Well, what do you expect, Lindsey, since he was always high.
I'd take Dad high over you any day! Nana's coming to pick me up. I'll be out front.
Have you been to bed?
Yes.
Did you sleep? (pauses) Me neither. She was the same age as Lindsey. She was trying to hitchhike.
Where was she going?
Fremont Street.
Was she buying drugs?
No! She's twelve. She's... just so angry. She doesn't talk to me.
Well, if enough people knew what was out there hunting them, they'd never leave their house. I think you need to sit her down.
Well, I don't want to scare her. I don't want my daughter to be this... frightened, paranoid kid who's always looking over her shoulder.
Catherine, there's a big difference between scaring her and preparing her. And all the reasons why you should are in that room. (Catherine contemplates this)
Daniel (to Grissom): I didn't realize until... today... how lucky I am. I know pretty much... how and when I'm gonna die. Most people don't. It's what they're afraid of.
Was your sister afraid?
Never. I'm 11 years older than her, and she took care of me. She was my best friend, and I miss her. As much pain as...I caused her... and she wouldn't give up, and she...she wouldn't let me, either. That's why...during the last relapse, I made my parents swear that it was the very last time.
But then your kidneys failed, and they broke their word, huh?
They told me they... swore not to fight the cancer, so this didn't count. I wasn't gonna lose this fight. I couldn't watch her suffer anymore.
This wasn't a mercy killing, Daniel. This was an execution. Bone marrow, transfusions...that's her blood in your veins. It dripped out of your nose onto the blanket while you were killing her. If you cared so much for Alicia, why didn't you take your own life instead of hers?
Suicide isn't an option. It's an unforgivable sin in the eyes of God.
Grissom: But you believe that your god forgives murder? If that's your defense, it won't keep you out of jail.
Daniel (crying): But my death will. See, I've got about six more months. I'll be dead before there's even a trial. I-I do want to thank you, though.
For what?
For speaking for Alicia. You're probably the first person in her life to think only of her. You know, you may not believe in God, sir, but you do his work.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's CSI: Crime Scene Investigation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
