TV show quotes
I am a prison for sperms. Those poor little tadpoles have been sentenced to life in Jeff Murdock's groin. And let me tell you, that can be a pretty lonely place.
I'm sure you always... lend a hand.
Well, yeah, there's that. But that's not what the boys are wanting, is it? See, they want to think they're going somewhere when they go. I keep thinking about my brave lads all excited on the launch pad, and then suddenly it's "Ohh, no! Daylight!"
You know what having a girlfriend is like? Having a girlfriend is like legalised sex.
Jeff, sex is legal. It always has been legal.
You know what I mean, when I have sex with Julia, it's just so... realistic.
I once went on holiday and pretended to be twins. It was amazing fun. I invented this mad, glamorous sister and went around really annoying everybody. And d'you know, I could get away with anything when I was my crazy twin Jane.
But you're Jane.
Kinda stuck. It's a long story.
Julia's pants... are they really tiny?
You could accidentally swallow three whole pairs in one go!
Jeff?
Yeah?
They spread.
What?
Pants. They spread, and grow.
Experts can determine the age of a relationship from pants spreadage alone.
You start off with that sexy little thong...
And one day you're looking at the makings of a decent sized trampoline.
[Scared]] It's not gonna be like that with me and Julia.
Jeff, Jeff. Before you know it, you'll be sitting on the sofa with Julia, she'll be wearing pants large enough to cover Switzerland, and you'll discover that you're unable to make the slightest movement without her asking, [high-pitched] "Where are you going?" Every time! "Where are you going?" She won't even know she's saying it! It's- it's like you've set off a motion sensor. And then, you'll notice that your house is covered in shoes. [Gets up and picks up a shoe] Shoes! Shoes everywhere! Why do they have so many shoes? Do they have extra feet we don't know about? Do they sprout rows of additional feet while we're asleep and gallop around the streets at night shouting [screeching] "WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"
[Jeff and Patrick stare at him]
Uh... S-sorry. Dr-drifted a bit there.
What's wrong?
Susan's slept with Australia!
Women remember, Steve. It's like they've got minds of their own.
You've always got to send a man a book when you split up, to prove how you're a caring, giving person, and how they're going to die in a pit of their own filth.
[Asked by Sally if she wants to talk about her break-up with Steve] Okay... you know what's really getting me mad? My boyfriend... my fiance... the man who, against all my better judgment I actually love... chatted up a woman in a bar. And on the very same day – the very same day – I chatted up a man. Do you see? Do you get it? I'm equally at fault. How can I ever forgive him for that? But, of course, I'm not going to forgive him because... because men – and I don't mean to generalise – are CRAP! They're the human race's only failed gender! Who needs them? And why are they so difficult to keep hold of? Do you think they realise that, were it not for the genetic imperative to populate the earth, they wouldn't get a date? That's one hell of an inducement! "No pressure, girls, but shag one of these or it's curtains for all humankind!" That's harrassment! But you know what? Do you know what's even more crap than men? WE are more crap than men! All those stupid books you guys had and... and these magazines! A hundred pages of "Men are useless bastards" and an article on why you should wake them up with a blow job! Am I alone on spotting the inconsistency here? And these places [beauty parlours] 'cause, for God's sake, don't let them see what we really look like! Just let them enjoy the results; don't let them see how it all happens.
You know... I went out with Steve for six years...
No, you didn't. You went out with him for four years. I checked.
Oh... well it seemed longer.
Yeah! Yeah! Of course it seemed longer. I, myself, have been going out with him since the 12th century. Or possibly since last week; it's hard to keep track. Because how are you supposed to measure time with the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with? What would make sense? Centuries? Nanoseconds?
Eggs.
Do you know what arses are, Patrick? Arses are the human race's favourite thing. We like them on each other, we like them on magazine covers, we even like them on babies! When it itches, we like to scratch them, when its cold, we like to warm them, and who among us, in a lonely moment hasn't reached back for a discreet fondle? When God gave us our arses he had to stick them round the back just so we wouldn't sit and stare at them all day. Cause when God made the arse he didn't say "Hey it's just your basic hinge, let's knock off early." He said "Behold ye angels, I have created the arse. Throughout the ages to come, men and women shall grab hold of these and shout my name!"
It is not scientifically possible for a man to know what a woman wants. And that's not fair! Because you always know what we want.
Yeah, because we always have the decency to only want one thing.
And do you ever thank us for making it so simple?
Never.
[On the phone to Jeff] We have our advisors online.
[Pointing at Susan and Sally] That's you two.
This is ridiculous! Why does he need us to translate for him? Women aren't a completely different species, you know.
[On the phone] Jeff, women AREN'T a completely different species.
He just needs to find out if it's a friendly drink or a date drink. He'll do friendly but he won't do date.
Why doesn't he know already?
Because he is Jeff, and there's no known cure.
Need any help translating THAT one?
These are my ovaries
Please come inside.
[On the phone to Jeff] Careful, Jeff, she's packin' ovaries!
I have a girlfriend!
So you keep saying, so why are you here?
Well, I-I-I just...
She really does exist, this girlfriend?
Oh, oh yeah she exists. She's very much an existing person, she's got tons of existence. [Beat] Well not too much existence, I don't mean she's huge or anything. She's somewhere between completely imaginary and a truck. If you can picture that.
I'd like to think that the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with has a better reason for staying faithful than, "It might be a trick."
Well, it wasn't the only thing! It was just like the... deterrent.
The deterrent?
Well, yeah. You know, like nuclear weaponry. I mean, nobody likes it, but it can help to keep the peace.
Steve, you've just compared our relationship to the Cold War.
Which, may I remind you, really lasted.
So the nature of the bond between us is, in fact, the threat of mutually assured destruction?
Oh, among many other things.
I'm not bad. I've never been bad... I'm fairly new to mild naughtiness.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Coupling pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
