You know jelly-wrestling... which is basically jelly with women wrestling in it... OK, well, think about this. Afterwards, after the wrestling, what happens to the jelly? Because you could sell that. That is a missed opportunity. You could bottle it and sell it... You take the women out first, obviously.
S3 E4Remember This
S3 E5The Freckle, the Key and the Couple Who Weren't
[Jeff is wearing a leather mask] We were just spending a quiet evening in front of the television. In the course of events I swallowed some of her jewellery.
You what?
There was a swallowage incident. I swallowed an item.
Right?
Now normally when I swallow some of Julia's jewellery...
No, no, Jeff please. "Normally"... has never been used in the sentence before.
Well, you know what it's like when you've got your own actual real-life girlfriend. It's like you got a woman with a nudity switch. Sometimes when she's laying there and she's just so, so totally naked, I can't control myself. I just sort of hoover.
OK.
Obviously now and then in the course of any nudity hoovering, you're gonna ingest an item. Now normally, I remain calm, let nature take its course, and in due time slip the relevant item back into her jewellery box.
I see.
Not directly, of course.
I was clinging to that hope.
Jane's breasts scare me. They're like Mickey Mouse's ears. No matter which way you turn, they're still facing you.
S3 E6The Girl with One Heart
Sally could be a lesbian! ...It could happen! She could be having a shower maybe. and probably Jane would be there. And she might happen to say, "Jane, could you help me soap my breasts?" "Your breasts, Sally?" "Yes, Jane, it's those tricky undersides." "Oh, I know what you mean, Sally, breasts can be a real dirt-trap."
You do realise there is a difference between real life and low-quality lesbian porn?!
[Susan has removed the lock from the bathroom door, and doesn't understand why Steve is so upset about it]
Men and toilets, the love that dare not speak its name. What's that about?
[Slams hand down] We are men! Throughout history, we have always needed, in times of difficulty, to retreat to our caves. It so happens that in this modern age, our caves are fully plumbed. The toilet is, for us, the last bastion, the final refuge, the last few square feet of man-space left to us! Somewhere to sit, something to read, something to do, and who gives a damn about the smell? Because that, for us, is happiness. Because we are men. We are different. We have only one word for soap. We do not own candles. We have never seen anything of any value in a craft shop. We do not own magazines fill of pictures of celebrities with all their clothes on. When we have conversations, we actually take it in turns to talk! But we have not yet reached that level of earth-shattering boredom and inhuman despair that we would have a haircut recreationally. We don't know how to get excited about... really, really boring things, like ornaments, bath oil, the countryside, vases, small churches. I mean, we do not even know what, what in the name of God's arse is the purpose of pot-pourri! Looks like breakfast, smells like your auntie! Why do we need that? So please, in this strange and frightening world, allow us one last place to call our own. This toilet, this blessed pot, this...Fortress of Solitude. You girls, you may go to the bathroom in groups of two or more. Yet we do not pass comment. We do not make judgement. That is your choice. But we men will always walk the toilet mile... alone.
[A long pause]
Would you like me to put the lock back on the toilet door, dear?
Would you mind?
You should have asked.
[Jeff solves the toilet door problem by using a wedge to keep the door shut]
Area secure, 007.
S3 E7Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps
Have you phoned Sally yet?
No.
Well phone her soon, Patrick. Or, no offence, I'll rip your throat out.
Sally, you need someone good enough for you. You don't want some mutton-headed city boy who spends all his time thinking about his cars and his golf clubs. You want somebody who can love you the way you deserve to be loved, the way I want you to be loved. Sally, you need someone who will love you forever, properly. You're my friend, Sally. I want to see you with the best. You need Mr. Amazing, Mr. Incredibly-Superbly-Fantastic...ness. In your heart, I'm sure you know I'm right.
I don't want Mr. Superbly-Incredibly-Fantasticness, you stupid, stupid arse. I want you.
For God's sakes, Sally.
What? What?!
I was talking about me!
I'm sor— You're Mr. Superbly, Incredibly Whatever?
[Gesturing to self] Well, yes!
[Nervously] How???...Who???...What???...Hippo!!
[After announcing her pregnancy] Time's up, Steve. I think it's time for someone else to be a child.
[In a flashback of Susan's. She walks up to a nurse]
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm looking for Steve Taylor.
[The nurse giggles.]
Steve Taylor. Is he here?
NNurse
Um, cubicle eight. [continues giggling]
Is there a problem?
NNurse
No. [walks away, still giggling]
[Susan walks up to the cubicle and knocks the door]
Steve?
[Steve opens the door.]
Hello darling!
Hello!
Something wrong?
You've been in there for an hour and a half!
About that, yeah?
About that.
How did you know that?
Steve, they phoned me!
Oh!
So, how's it going?
Well, you know, early days.
Early days.
Well how quickly do you think I can do this?
Well no offence, darling, but really quite quickly!
S4 E1Nine and a Half Minutes
[Oliver approaches Susan who is holding a breast pump]
Is that yours?
Yes.
Is it specially adapted for really tiny puppies?
Piss off.
Craziness!
S4 E2Nightlines
Look, when I said have a baby... I didn't mean, I just meant... socially!
Socially?
To tea.
Babies can't come round to tea, Sally. They're rubbish.
Don't say that!
Hormones!
Bollocks!
Doesn't this all seem a little early?
Of course it's early, it's far too early! I don't want a baby yet! You gotta get a cat first, see if you're maternal.
You've already got a cat.
Well, I'll shave it! See if I still like it!
You went out and pulled a pregnant woman. What were you thinking?
Oh, you know, "there's a nice, compact pregnancy, let's take it out for a spin."
She had a baby inside her, you insane filth!
Jane, could you stop doing this? Could you stop just wandering through my front door? Because this is not, repeat not, an American sitcom!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Coupling pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.