Coupling · Season 2
There's one thing I don't get here. You've seen this woman on the train and you find her attractive, right?
Yeah.
And you haven't had sex with her?
No.
You see my problem?
Let me explain, Patrick. Here on Earth, there is a gap between seeing someone you like and having sex with them that we like to call conversation. In Jeff's case, it can last for up to ten years.
Are you saying I don't converse? I converse. I talk to women.
Well, do the women talk too?
[Pause] Well, they must do.
I've always wanted to date a gynaecologist. I want to know I'm special.
But what about my legs, Steve? She's bound to count them eventually!
I've got the key to the gates of paradise... but I've got too many legs!
You know what they say: If music be the food of love, then masturbation is just a snack between meals.
[Patrick doesn't realize a sculpture of his penis was actually for a sex toy]
I think you may have been had, mate.
And a lot more often than you realize.
[Steve is relating the fact that he accidentally saw Sally naked]
So, how was it?
It was a bottom... I hadn't seen it before... I wasn't bored.
Having a bottom is living with the enemy. Not only do they spend their lives slowly inflating, they flirt with men while we're looking the other way.
What are they [cushions] for?
You sit on them.
Aha! I see that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Ok, watch this! Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now, watch me! I'm sitting down, and what do I do on my final approach? I... [he moves the cushion from the seat] oop! Move the cushion! You see? It's not involved! It's not part of the whole sitting process! It just lies there, it's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite!
It's... you know, padding.
Oh, padding! Oh now that's interesting. See, I like padding. You know, if I was, say, an American football player with all those big bastards running at me, I would say, you know, "Give me some of that padding and be quick about it!" You know, if my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, I would say, "In view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much!" But Susan, Sally, Jane, this... is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way so is to shield the unprotected user from the way of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and of course - [he collapses behind the sofa and reemerges] - Daleks! You lot, trust me girls, trust me on this one, you do not need padding to tackle upholstery! So please, once and for all, tell me, why on Earth you would want me to sit on one of THESE!
Because, if you pressed it firmly against your bottom it might stop you talking!
Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start from the top again?
Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt?
[Snaps fingers] And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her [huskily] "baby."
You never called her "baby" before.
You've never called anyone "baby" before.
So why did you just call her "baby"? Suddenly you're starting to blush.
Now, you're blushing and you've got an erection. No-one's got enough blood!
[Scotty voice] The engines, Cap'n! They cannae take it!
Then the Melty Man hits you with his secret weapon.
Just one single thought is placed in your mind at this crucial time.
"Please God! Don't let me lose my erection!"
[Hand goes down] Pufff.
[With terror and disbelief] How do you guys manage to have sex?
["Duh!" voice] We don't.
I haven't had sex in years.
It's just not possible anymore.
We are followers of the Melty Man.
And you're one of us now.
You know the real way to tell if a man likes you? Have a drink with him, and if he puts his glass down really close to yours, that means he really likes you and something's definitely going to happen.
You know, I think Patrick does that. I think he does that glass thing.
Of course, as indicators go, an enormous erection's a bit more reliable.
[Learning about the Melty Man] So who is he?
The arch enemy of trouser confidence.
Professor Moriarty in groin form.
Darth Vader...
...without the helmet.
I don't like to label everything in my medicine cabinet. You'd never have any surprises.
This week's top tip from Children's Hour.
I'm reporting traffic, there's bound to be casualties!
Lesbians don't eat people, Susan!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Coupling pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
