Having a bottom is living with the enemy. Not only do they spend their lives slowly inflating, they flirt with men while we're looking the other way.
S2 E3Her Best Friend's Bottom
What are they [cushions] for?
SMStore Manager
You sit on them.
Aha! I see that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Ok, watch this! Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now, watch me! I'm sitting down, and what do I do on my final approach? I... [he moves the cushion from the seat] oop! Move the cushion! You see? It's not involved! It's not part of the whole sitting process! It just lies there, it's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite!
It's... you know, padding.
Oh, padding! Oh now that's interesting. See, I like padding. You know, if I was, say, an American football player with all those big bastards running at me, I would say, you know, "Give me some of that padding and be quick about it!" You know, if my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, I would say, "In view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much!" But Susan, Sally, Jane, this... is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way so is to shield the unprotected user from the way of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and of course - [he collapses behind the sofa and reemerges] - Daleks! You lot, trust me girls, trust me on this one, you do not need padding to tackle upholstery! So please, once and for all, tell me, why on Earth you would want me to sit on one of THESE!
Because, if you pressed it firmly against your bottom it might stop you talking!
S2 E4The Melty Man Cometh
Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start from the top again?
Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt?
[Snaps fingers] And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her [huskily] "baby."
You never called her "baby" before.
You've never called anyone "baby" before.
So why did you just call her "baby"? Suddenly you're starting to blush.
Now, you're blushing and you've got an erection. No-one's got enough blood!
[Scotty voice] The engines, Cap'n! They cannae take it!
Then the Melty Man hits you with his secret weapon.
Just one single thought is placed in your mind at this crucial time.
"Please God! Don't let me lose my erection!"
[Hand goes down] Pufff.
[With terror and disbelief] How do you guys manage to have sex?
["Duh!" voice] We don't.
I haven't had sex in years.
It's just not possible anymore.
We are followers of the Melty Man.
And you're one of us now.
You know the real way to tell if a man likes you? Have a drink with him, and if he puts his glass down really close to yours, that means he really likes you and something's definitely going to happen.
You know, I think Patrick does that. I think he does that glass thing.
Of course, as indicators go, an enormous erection's a bit more reliable.
[Learning about the Melty Man] So who is he?
The arch enemy of trouser confidence.
Professor Moriarty in groin form.
Darth Vader...
...without the helmet.
S2 E5Jane and the Truth Snake
I don't like to label everything in my medicine cabinet. You'd never have any surprises.
This week's top tip from Children's Hour.
I'm reporting traffic, there's bound to be casualties!
S2 E6Gotcha
Lesbians don't eat people, Susan!
Did you know that your nose keeps growing all your life? If I don't get married soon, they're going to have to cut a hole in the veil!
Steve, you know what the sentence of death is, don't you? I don't mean the sentence like in executions and stuff, I mean the scary one... Just five words, Steve. Five little words. "Where. Is. This. Relationship. Going?"
S2 E7Dressed
You know what's great about skirts? When a woman's wearing a skirt, you know, you know that somewhere in that room, shifting all the time, there is the VAA: the Visual Access Angle. A clear line of sight back to base camp.
[On inventing a fake marriage] What choice did I have? I'm thirty-three, single, with neat hair. Even I think I'm gay!
[As Steve is on the phone] What's wrong?
It's Jane. She's stuck naked in someone else's flat!
Naked?
Completely! She's only got her coat!
Can I speak to her? [He takes the phone] Hi Jane, it's Jeff.
[Bewildered] Hi, Jeff...
[Grins, pauses, then hands the phone back to Steve] Thanks. [He walks off]
Jeff?
Um, he's just gone to the loo... might be some time.
S2 E8Naked
It's a scientific fact that if you say "naked" three or more times, to any man, he has to cross his legs.
You think that if you kiss a woman, your mother will emasculate you with a miniature guillotine?
I know. Mothers, eh? Did you ever find your mother would always appear at your bedroom door at the worst possible time and say 'Oh Jeffery'?
Well... not being called Jeffery.
'Oh Jeffery', always so disappointed.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Coupling pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.