[Susan and Jeff are in the office]
JeffHello.
That, uh, that Steve guy. How well do you know him? Are you close?
Jeff
Close? We're porn buddies.
Jeff
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Is this code? Were you two in prison together or something?
Jeff
No, no, no, it's a safety precaution. You know, like, a scuba diver dives with a buddy, in case he runs out of air.
Ok, so are you telling me a porn buddy stands by with oxygen?
Jeff
[Laughs] No. Many years ago, Steve and I exchanged house keys.
Are you sure this isn't code?
Jeff
It's not code. In the event of Steve's death, the first thing I will do, upset though I will be, is go straight to his house and remove all the pornography before his parents can find it.
Jeff
And he's pledged to do the same for me. That's how close we are.
You guys have seriously made arrangements to destroy your dirty mags?
Jeff
Who said destroy? "Remove".
Yeah, but, you wouldn't keep them, would you?
Jeff
Well, it's a perk.
Oh, Jeff. [She turn around and walks away]
Jeff
That's the beauty of it, you see. [He follows her] Your best friend's dead, but there's a bright side.
[She sits down] You're trying to put me off him, aren't you?
Jeff
No way, why would I do that?
I know it was a long time ago, but, um, you and me?
Jeff
Yeah, well, that didn't really work out, did it?
I'll never understand why I made you so nervous. I've never seen anyone looks so terrified.
Jeff
It's all in the past, that. Please forget about it. [Phone rings and Susan answers it]
Oh, talk of the devil. Hi, Steve. [Jeff gets up looking anxious] No, just talking about you with Jeff, your buddy. Um, tomorrow evening? Tomorrow evening would be fine, yes. May have to be a bit later. I'm supposed to be having a facial. Okay, then we can have a good long chat about Jeff.
Jeff
[Drunk]] It must be a lot easier being gay. Sex must be a piece of piss if you're gay.
Jeff
If you're gay, see... if you're gay, masturbation is practice. Y'know, you can have a good old practice on your own, and then later, when you're ready, when you've got the hang of it, you have a go on someone else's. It's a piece of piss.... See, it's different... it's different when you're a straight bloke. When we finally get our hands on the gear, let me tell you, it's not a drill. Gays have their own practice kit, but you don't get any practice women. We're supposed to fly those babies the first time we get in 'em!
HHoward
That's a very good point, actually.
No it's not, it's homophobic, you stupid queen!
Hello! There's no such thing as homophobia, just people-phobia!
Jeff
You're not ready for the Giggle Loop.
Jeff
Basically, it's like a feedback loop. You're somewhere quiet. There's people. It's a...solemn occasion. A wedding. No--it's a minute's silence for someone who's died.
Jeff
Right, minute’s silence ticking away. [Makes ticking noises with his tongue] The Giggle Loop begins. Suddenly, out of nowhere, this thought comes into your head. The worst thing I could possibly do during a minute’s silence is laugh. [Overturns a beer glass] And as soon as you think that, you almost do laugh, automatic reaction. But you don’t, you control yourself. You’re fine. Whoo... But then you think how terrible it would have been if you’d laughed out loud in the middle of a minute’s silence. And so you nearly do it again, but this time it’s a bigger laugh. [Stacks another beer glass on top of the first one] And then you think how awful this bigger laugh would have been. And so you nearly laugh again, only this time it’s a very big laugh. [Stacks another glass] It’s an enormous laugh! Let this bastard out, and you get whiplash! [Stacks another glass] Suddenly, you’re in the middle of this completely silent room [stacks another glass] and your shoulders are going like you’re drilling the road! And what do you think of this situation? Oh, dear Christ, you think it’s funny!
Jeff
I need breasts with brains. I don’t mean individual brains, obviously... I mean, not a brain each. You know, I like intelligent women, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere.
You draw the line at intelligent breasts?
Jeff
I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding.
There's one thing I don't get here. You've seen this woman on the train and you find her attractive, right?
Jeff
Yeah.
And you haven't had sex with her?
Jeff
No.
Let me explain, Patrick. Here on Earth, there is a gap between seeing someone you like and having sex with them that we like to call conversation. In Jeff's case, it can last for up to ten years.
Are you saying I don't converse? I converse. I talk to women.
Well, do the women talk too?
[Pause] Well, they must do.
Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start from the top again?
Jeff
Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt?
[Snaps fingers] And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her [huskily] "baby."
Jeff
You never called her "baby" before.
You've never called anyone "baby" before.
Jeff
So why did you just call her "baby"? Suddenly you're starting to blush.
Now, you're blushing and you've got an erection. No-one's got enough blood!
Jeff
[Scotty voice] The engines, Cap'n! They cannae take it!
Then the Melty Man hits you with his secret weapon.
Jeff
Just one single thought is placed in your mind at this crucial time.
"Please God! Don't let me lose my erection!"
Jeff
[Hand goes down] Pufff.
[With terror and disbelief] How do you guys manage to have sex?
Jeff
I haven't had sex in years.
It's just not possible anymore.
Jeff
We are followers of the Melty Man.
And you're one of us now.
Jeff
[As Steve is on the phone] What's wrong?
It's Jane. She's stuck naked in someone else's flat!
Jeff
Naked?
Completely! She's only got her coat!
Jeff
Can I speak to her? [He takes the phone] Hi Jane, it's Jeff.
Jeff
[Grins, pauses, then hands the phone back to Steve] Thanks. [He walks off]
Um, he's just gone to the loo... might be some time.
You think that if you kiss a woman, your mother will emasculate you with a miniature guillotine?
Jeff
I know. Mothers, eh? Did you ever find your mother would always appear at your bedroom door at the worst possible time and say 'Oh Jeffery'?
Well... not being called Jeffery.
Jeff
'Oh Jeffery', always so disappointed.
Coupling · 83 quotes
