Jeff Murdock quotes from Coupling

Jeff

I am a prison for sperms. Those poor little tadpoles have been sentenced to life in Jeff Murdock's groin. And let me tell you, that can be a pretty lonely place.

Steve

I'm sure you always... lend a hand.

Jeff

Well, yeah, there's that. But that's not what the boys are wanting, is it? See, they want to think they're going somewhere when they go. I keep thinking about my brave lads all excited on the launch pad, and then suddenly it's "Ohh, no! Daylight!"

Jeff

You know what having a girlfriend is like? Having a girlfriend is like legalised sex.

Steve

Jeff, sex is legal. It always has been legal.

Jeff

You know what I mean, when I have sex with Julia, it's just so... realistic.

Patrick

Julia's pants... are they really tiny?

Jeff

You could accidentally swallow three whole pairs in one go!

Patrick

Jeff?

Jeff

Yeah?

Patrick

They spread.

Jeff

What?

Patrick

Pants. They spread, and grow.

Steve

Experts can determine the age of a relationship from pants spreadage alone.

Patrick

You start off with that sexy little thong...

Steve

And one day you're looking at the makings of a decent sized trampoline.

Jeff

[Scared]] It's not gonna be like that with me and Julia.

Steve

Jeff, Jeff. Before you know it, you'll be sitting on the sofa with Julia, she'll be wearing pants large enough to cover Switzerland, and you'll discover that you're unable to make the slightest movement without her asking, [high-pitched] "Where are you going?" Every time! "Where are you going?" She won't even know she's saying it! It's- it's like you've set off a motion sensor. And then, you'll notice that your house is covered in shoes. [Gets up and picks up a shoe] Shoes! Shoes everywhere! Why do they have so many shoes? Do they have extra feet we don't know about? Do they sprout rows of additional feet while we're asleep and gallop around the streets at night shouting [screeching] "WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

Steve

Uh... S-sorry. Dr-drifted a bit there.

Jeff

What's wrong?

Steve

Susan's slept with Australia!

Jeff

I have a girlfriend!

So you keep saying, so why are you here?

Jeff

Well, I-I-I just...

She really does exist, this girlfriend?

Jeff

Oh, oh yeah she exists. She's very much an existing person, she's got tons of existence. [Beat] Well not too much existence, I don't mean she's huge or anything. She's somewhere between completely imaginary and a truck. If you can picture that.

Jeff

[Jeff is wearing a leather mask] We were just spending a quiet evening in front of the television. In the course of events I swallowed some of her jewellery.

Steve

You what?

Jeff

There was a swallowage incident. I swallowed an item.

Steve

Right?

Jeff

Now normally when I swallow some of Julia's jewellery...

Steve

No, no, Jeff please. "Normally"... has never been used in the sentence before.

Jeff

Well, you know what it's like when you've got your own actual real-life girlfriend. It's like you got a woman with a nudity switch. Sometimes when she's laying there and she's just so, so totally naked, I can't control myself. I just sort of hoover.

Steve

OK.

Jeff

Obviously now and then in the course of any nudity hoovering, you're gonna ingest an item. Now normally, I remain calm, let nature take its course, and in due time slip the relevant item back into her jewellery box.

Steve

I see.

Jeff

Not directly, of course.

Steve

I was clinging to that hope.

Jeff

Sally could be a lesbian! ...It could happen! She could be having a shower maybe. and probably Jane would be there. And she might happen to say, "Jane, could you help me soap my breasts?" "Your breasts, Sally?" "Yes, Jane, it's those tricky undersides." "Oh, I know what you mean, Sally, breasts can be a real dirt-trap."

Steve

You do realise there is a difference between real life and low-quality lesbian porn?!