How was hypnotherapy?
He fell down and screamed in pain while I laid there with my eyes closed to make him feel like a good hypnotherapist.
[After watching Abed's short films, which seem to predict everything that's going to happen with the group]
S1 E9Debate 109
TTroy
Where's Abed? I need to talk to him about his films.
That boy is flat out prescient! He can read our minds!
[Abed walks in and everyone stares at him]
I know what you're going to say. You watched my movies on the website.
He's a witch!
TTroy
Get him!
TTroy
[watching the character based on him in Abed's films] Why am I crying? Did I accidentally listen to "Come Sail Away" by Styx again?
Little trick for acheiving the proper competitive mindset: I always envision the opponent having aggressive sex with my mother.
By Zeus! What kind of jackassery is this?
Maybe Simmons was right. You really are all sizzle and no steak. You probably couldn't beat him if you tried.
What do you mean I can't beat him? You and I are going to study harder than we've ever studied before and beat City College tomorrow!
[excited] Really?
No! Who am I, iCarly?
[Shirley slaps away the paper that Abed is reading]
That's my newspaper.
[hysterical] What do you need a paper for? You knew what was going to happen yesterday, you Middle Eastern magic eight ball! Pierce hurt his leg, Britta made Troy cry, what's my destiny? Am I going to die in a car? Is it going to happen soon?
Wow, this is a real barn burner! Oh god, did I say cross burner?
No, you did not!
Oh, good.
Ugh!
What's wrong?
I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.
It's called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.
I hate it!
Well get used to it! You're knee-deep in it now, brother. This is debate!
S1 E10Environmental Science
[Señor Chang has assigned excessive homework.]
There's only one solution. Someone has to go to Chang and talk to him.
I vote we all look at Jeff at the same time. [They do.]
[Not paying attention] In a way, all of you are right... OK, what was I tuning out?
You have to get Chang to call off some of this homework! You're the one with the silver tongue.
Yeah, go tongue Chang.
[The dean is addressing the crowd before a concert.]
Green Week was a rousing success here at Greendale. And now for our band, Greene Daeye! By the way, they're not the real Green Day. Thought we should just rip that band-aid off quickly.
[Chang is going through a split with his wife]
You make no mistake about this, Winger: I pleasure that woman greatly.
Psh, yeah, you look like you would have to. I'm not surprised you said that.
S1 E11Politics of Human Sexuality
Pierce has got a girlfriend!
That's great. What's she do?
She's an escort.
Oh...
Some mysteries solve themselves, don't they?
TTroy
Taking a call girl to an STD fair? There's a joke here.
(Begins writing in notebook) (After some time has passed)Don't eat the crab dip, hey yay.
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