I'm only half Arab, actually. My dad is Palestinian, but he's a US citizen so he's not a threat to national security or anything. A lot of people want to know that after they meet him because he has an angry energy. But not like angry at America, just angry at my mom for leaving him. Although, she did leave him because he was angry and he was angry because she's American. My name's Abed, by the way.
JWJeff Winger
Abed, uh, nice to know you and then meet you, in that order. Now, about that question that I asked?
Well, I've only talked to her once while she was borrowing a pencil, but...her name is Britta, she's 28, birthday in October, she has two older brothers and one of them works with children who have a disorder I might wanna look up. Oh, and she thinks she's going to flunk tomorrow's test, so she really needs to focus and she's sorry that makes her seem cold.
We're the only species on Earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do, for the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you its name is Steve, and go like this! [snaps pencil in two to the discomfort of the others] And part of you dies just a little bit on the inside. Because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting.
People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome, but I can never admit that because that would make me an ass. What I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. She's driven. We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce. We need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer.
We should listen to him sometime. We wouldn't regret it. And Shirley. Shirley has earned our respect - not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. And don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was way too specific to be improvised. And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? Maybe he is. Do you think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No, they're trying to impress their high school's prom king. And Abed. Abed's a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup because you know what? Soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You are just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself.
Of course, it didn't help any that I can't have children. I'm not sterile; in fact, it's a rare condition called hyper-virility. Apparently my sperm shoot through the egg like bullets. Can you believe that?
Not specifically, but if you think of grandsons as a metaphor for friendship, I think you'll agree with this Transformer here that it's time for ours to become a man, by reading from the Torah.
Oh, can't. My dad will only pay for classes that will help me run the family restaurant. It's been struggling since 2001. 9/11 was pretty much the 9/11 of the falafel business.
