Community quotes

Jeff

Three and a half years ago, when I came to Greendale, I met six very important people.

Dean

Ooh, burn on Britta.

Jeff

Sorry, seven. And meeting these people changed my life. Yep. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.

Yeah, okay.

Abed

Whatever.

Jeff

I'm so used to being the guy who can talk his way out of anything, but what do you say when you don't want a way out? What you have all done for me is indescribable. It's unbelievable. And my love for you is immeasurable, even when you split it seven ways.

Abed

A repiloting can be intense. New people show up, regulars shift roles or even fall away. Season 9 of Scrubs, Zach Braff was only in the first six episodes.

Son of a bitch! After everything Scrubs did for him?

Annie

Chang was faking his Changnesia?

They seriously rehired a teacher they fired for trying to burn down the school?

Shirley

After being rehired as a security guard after being fired for impersonating a teacher?

Abed

That's insane, and I'm Abed.

Abed

But is he good or is he bad? Every actor is something. Robert Downey Jr.? Good. Jim Belushi? Bad. Jean-Claude Van Damme? The good kind of bad. Johnny Depp? The bad kind of good. There's a spectrum, and Cage is on it. I just have to find him.

Shirley

You're throwing away all your little movies. Why?

Abed

They have no value anymore.

Shirley

Well, if you're looking for something to believe in, I know a skinny little Hebrew handyman you can meet.

Abed

I'm not going to become Christian, Shirley, or a better Muslim. This was my religion. I thought the meaning of people was somewhere in here. Then I looked inside Nicolas Cage, and I found a secret. People are random and pointless.

Shirley

Well, in my religion, the whole point is that you can't understand every little thing, and you know, there's a word for people who remind you that you're not God, and invite you try a little harder. Prophets, messiahs, Kung-Fu-Pandas...

Abed

So Nicolas Cage is Jesus?

Shirley

Uh, no, but he clearly works in mysterious ways, and maybe that's just his job. And that's why critics can call him a genius or an idiot, and be right no matter what. A demon to some, and an angel to others, like a Cenobite.

Abed

Excuse me, did you just say "Cenobite"?

Shirley

Yeah, you know, Cenobite - like, from Hellraiser.

Abed

You like Hellraiser? You know the word "Hellraiser"?

Shirley

I thought Pinhead in Space was a bit of a letdown, but I'm in for the ride.

Garrett

ASS...CRACK...BANDIT!

Dean

I am hereby banning change from this campus.

You really think that's an effective-

Dean

Well, guess what? Your two cents is change, and it's banned!

Jeff

These are lyrics from songs from Dave.

Annie

Who?

Jeff

Dave Matthews... oh, excuse me for being alive in the 90's and having two ears connected to a heart!

Jeff

[after hearing that his Netflix account is getting used by his colleagues] Is that why my review of The Grey keeps changing?

Abed

Yes, stop giving it four stars.

Jeff

I like Liam Neeson.

Abed

Then send him a message about the roles he chooses.

Mr. Barnes. Do you have a special handshake that you only perform with Mr Nadir?

Um, Yeah. [Troy and Abed do the handshake]

Mr. Barnes, did you invent that handshake?

Um ... Yes.

Lie.

Mr. Barnes, are you a subscriber to the YouTube channel "Fun with Friends"?

No.

Lie.

SILENCE, WENCH!!

[Reading Pierce's final questions for the study group] Abed Nadir, do you know that you're insane and everything you ever said never made any sense to me?

Abed

Yep.

Here's your sperm. [The assistant positions a cylinder containing Pierce's frozen sperm in front of Abed]

Britta

I want to say something to you guys about mental health...

Jeff

Is that Britta? Is she alive?

Shirley

Why did you think she was dead?

We kinda...left her?

Annie

Left her for dead?

Abed

Sounds bad when you put it that way; can you put it in a way that sounds good?

Britta

You do realize this isn't just a pile of chairs, right? This is a crib, and you're curled up inside there sucking your thumb, because you don't want to say good-bye. Well, it's time to grow up! The adults are here, and we're gonna tear down your fort! Chairwalkers, attack! AWOOOOOOO!

AWOOOOOOOO!

My name was Vicki! Tell my story!

Garrett

These are my only pants; I can't get them dirty!

I'm actually British!

Shirley

Leonard, butter ‘em up!

Leonard

You got it!

Leonard

Cirque du so long, you high-stepping acro-bastards!

Abed

Okay, we'll go into the vents. They'll never find us there.

I say we take a stand here. I mean, someone's gotta win sometime.

Abed

Not if we never kill each other. Then we can play forever.

Right! Wait, Abed, the floor can't be lava forever. The game's gotta end.

Abed

It's not a game for me, Troy. I'm seeing real lava because you're leaving, it's embarrassing. I don't wanna be crazy, but I am crazy, so... I made a game where you and everyone else see what I see. [Both look at lava] I don't want it to be there either, I swear. I want you to be able to leave, but I don't think the lava goes away until you stop leaving.

So the only way I can help you is by giving up my chance to... be one person?

Britta

You guys ready for closure?!

Of your caskets?!

Guys, stop! The lava’s real to Abed! It’s not a game to him!

Britta

Oh no…

You know what I think? I think he’s used to getting his own way. I think he’s never met me.

Abed

Clone Troy.

Clone Abed.

Abed

By the way, when I cloned you, I had to patch some missing parts of your DNA with genes from a homing pigeon. You may notice side effects, like the compulsion to come back.

Cool. Clone hug?