Community quotes

Jeff

I'm gonna go get a sandwich, which, unlike "changnesia," is real.

Kevin doesn't know about labor laws, or forty hour work weeks, or that that guy named him after his dog.

Dean

The perfect mix of low intellect, limited ambition, and limitless parental support.

Jeff

So, a rich dum-dum who will never graduate and keep dropping money into the school indefinitely. Got it.

Britta

We do need the money. The biology department's been dissecting the same dead pig for ten years.

Dean

If we get this money, we can buy 100 pigs and make everybody happy.

Jeff

You're really doing this? Look, as someone who faked being a lawyer for seven years, I appreciate your commitment to the bit, but just admit you were wrong.

Britta

So you can say I Britta'd it?

Jeff

Yes, of course. That goes without saying. But come on, it was a small mistake. Call this off before it becomes a full-scale "Brittastrophe." I coined that.

Annie

So, Abed, I was thinking about what you said about showing growth, and I was thinking maybe one way to do that is to meet new people and...

Abed

Where's this going?

Annie

Can I set you up with a date for the Sadie Hawkins Day dance?

Abed

Blind date. I've always thought of myself as more of an acquired taste, but okay.

Shirley

Oh, if you're open to meeting someone, there's a number of eligible young ladies in my church.

Annie

Shirley, I'm already finding a date for Abed. I asked first.

Shirley

There's no reason we can't both help Abed find someone. Why don't we each pick a girl and let Abed decide, instead of making it a competition?

Abed

That's exactly a competition.

Britta

There are so many clouds; it's so dark!

I can't even see the Landing Strip, or any of the other nudie bars!

Shirley

Oh, Heaven help us!

Annie

We must be miles above the ground!

Pierce

That's international airspace. We're literally above the law! Jeff can marry any man he wants.

Jeff

Wait a second guys, I think we're starting to go down.

Shirley

[to Britta] You see, prayer works.

Britta

So does gravity, Shirley.

Shirley

And you know who invented gravity, right?

Jeff

I found the perfect girl for me, and then I met her kid. [starts singing]

Britta

I am an activist,

Annie

I was struggling in history,

I caused the Greendale fire of '03

Pierce

I never slept with the great Eartha Kitt

This secret inside me,

Jeff

And now, my most terrible secret is out

Annie

Look at us! Our group's first grown-up Christmas party. Thanks for hosting. I hope you don't mind I brought a few things just to make the place look a little less short-term corportate housing.

Jeff

Oh, well, mi casa es su art project.

Jeff

What is this?

Annie

Oh, I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.

Jeff

You realise you've just put your friends in a very awkward position. A gift creates obligation.

Annie

I don't see it that way.

Jeff

Well, I do, and I think the others will too.

Shirley

[knocks on the door and comes in] Merry Christmas! I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.

Jeff

Oh, who couldn't have seen that coming?

Shirley

Oh, Annie, I love what you did with the place.

Annie

It's a work in progress.

Good tidings, fellow Christmas celebrators. And to all a good wassailing.

Britta

I know we said no gifts, but we couldn't resist.

Jeff

There is a real problem with resistance in this group.

Shirley

Speaking of tomorrow, Troy and Britta, have you decided what you're gonna do for your one-year anniversary?

Of...?

Annie

Your first date?

Britta

Oh! Kidding.

Yeah! That was a test and you failed.

Pierce

You guys are dating? Man. Somebody's sure is working her way around the table. [Looks at Britta]

Abed

Freaky Friday. Oh, Troy, you are so thoughtful. I wish I had the capacity for sentimentality like you do.

Me? I wish I was more like you. No emotional hang-ups, endless cool adventures. You have it so easy.

Abed

No, you do, Troy!

No, you do, Abed!

I wish I could switch places with you for just one day!

Shirley

Oh...

[appearing] Sorry. Routine light-switch check.

I thought that would work.

Jeff

Yeah, we're all floored it didn't.

Abed

But, Jeff, it's a graduation gift. You see, on the surface we seem like just a group of people from diverse backgrounds who have become unlikely friends. But according to my research, our paths have crossed many times. We were destined to meet, like a team of superheroes. This is our origin story.

Jeff

And here we go. Abed, we don't have origin stories. We have lives. Well, at least... [looks around the table] Yep, just me.

Abed

I was looking for you.

What? I...

Abed

We discovered you're the reason we all went to Greendale. You linked all our stories, like how the Cosmic Cube assembled the Avengers. That, and the four billion dollar deal with Disney. Turns out you were always one of us. So I came to see if you wanted to get some frozen yogurt.

Really? That's... That's all I ever wanted. But it's too late.

Abed

Here's another thing I realised. Because of you, we got to reinvent ourselves at Greendale. Everyone should have the same chance, don't you think, Chang?

It's not Chang. It's Kevin. [Abed just looks at him] How long have you known?

Abed

Known what? Only you know who you really are. Also, you may have experimental monkey fever. You coming?

[pauses] Yeah.

Shirley

Congratulations, Jeffrey. You worked hard not to work hard to earn that degree.