Woody Boyd quotes from Cheers

Sam

[Valerie's] really nice, isn't she Wood?

Woody

She's really nice, sweet, warm, and wonderful. You know back in Hanover, me and my brother used to have a name for a girl like that.

Sam

What was that?

Woody

Mom. By the way, Sam, if I ever catch you anywhere near my mother you better pray God takes you before I do.

Woody

I don't know, Dr. Crane. Haven't you ever thought that it's kind of tough on them - doing all that counseling stuff? I mean I was raised to believe that if you have a problem, you lock it away in a secret place. You keep it bottled up good and tight. And if it gets full in there, you just keep forcing the pain down and clamping it in.

Frasier

Good advice, Woody. [to Norm] Tick... tick... tick.

Are you ready?

Woody

Yeah I just shaved. How does my face look?

As smooth as your girlfriend Kelly's bottom.

Woody

Is that a joke?

But of course it is. You have to shave much closer.

Sam

Woody, we're out of here. You're in charge of the bar.

Woody

Why bother, Sam? Whenever you put me in charge nobody every listens to me. I just get laughed at and get drinks poured over my head.

Sam

If anyone does that to you, you just sic Carla on them.

Woody

I'm talkin' about Carla.

Woody

Hey Mr. P, how goes the search for Mr. Clavin?

Norm

Not as well as the search for Mr. Doughnut. I found him every couple of blocks.

Woody

You're wrong Kelly. He's using you. He wrote that letter himself. He's not going to be deported. He's just trying to steal you away from me.

How did you figure that out?

Woody

You mean I'm right? Wow. Score one for the Indiana school system.

Paul

Where's Norm and Cliff?

Woody

I guess they're at work. I don't know.

Paul

You've got a cute sense of humor, Woody. I like that.

Woody

Actually, I was the best poker player in the entire metro Hanover area.

Cliff

Well, uh, you're in the city now, Woody.

Woody

Well I guess you do play different than a bunch of farm boys.

Sam

Oh, yes we do. Why don't you sit down, Woodrow?

Woody

Oh, thanks. Take it easy on me.

Norm

OK. What sort of game would you like to play, huh?

Woody

Well, how ‘bout, uh... "Five blind piglets and one full teat"?

Norm

What the heck kind of game is that?

Woody

That's where five city boys lose all their money. [starts dealing one-handed]

Woody, we've got to be going.

Woody

Right. [to Sam] If James has to circle the block more than once he has a hissy fit.

Boy. Chauffeurs, huh, Miss Howe?

Rebecca

Oh, yeah. I have that trouble with mine all the time.

Really? What do you do?

Rebecca

I wake up.

Frasier

[about his mother in law] I suppose it's wrong of me to blame Betty for all our problems. I'm sure I'm not the way she wants me to be either.

Woody

How does she want you to be, Dr. Crane?

Frasier

Well... dead. The thing that really drives me crazy is the unrelenting tension between Lilith and her mother. You know, Lilith just holds it all in. She has to unload it somewhere and guess who gets to listen to it endlessly.

Woody

Apparently me, Dr. Crane.

Rebecca

18 years old and ready to take on the world.

Woody

Wait a minute. You were 18 when you graduated from high school? What, did daddy pull some strings?

Norm

What do you want to do tonight, Cliff?

Cliff

Eh, I dunno, what do you want to do?

Norm

I dunno.

Rebecca

You guys, you do this all day long for hours!

Cliff

Face it Rebecca, we're bored, nothing ever happens around here.

Rebecca

[gasps] Oh my God!

Norm

Hey, it's Andy Andy.

Rebecca

What, you know this person?!

Cliff

Yeah, former major felon. Once killed a waitress.

Where's Diane? I demand to see Diane!!!

Woody

Well, Miss Chambers hasn't worked here for 5 or 6 years.

Oh really? Well, okay.

Cliff

So, what do you want to do?

Woody

What's a Fruedian slip?

Cliff

It's when you say one thing and mean a mother.

Sam

That was the low point in my life. Never, ever, have I been naked and not had fun. I tell you it was degradation.

Woody

I thought we were a lot tighter the second show.

Paul

How am I ever gonna show my face in here again?

Norm

Paul, it's not your face that's burned into my memory.

Cliff

You know, I kinda found the whole thing, uh, quite exhilarating.

Norm

Exhilarating?

Cliff

I meant humiliating.

Maybe we need someone to blame. Maybe if we pick some faceless person at city hall to be responsible for all our problems then we won't have to accept any responsibility at all. Well, people, I say now is the time to start looking in the mirror. Because... if this thing is going to work, we are all going to have to make it work. The way a bunch of people made something work at Lexington and Concord. You may remember it... it's called AMERICA.

Frasier

But he didn't SAY anything! Thank you, people, for proving my point. The voters of Boston are sheep.

Woody

Wow, I thought that was just a Hanover thing.

Frasier

Look, all I'm saying is that when it comes to voting, people just shut off their brains. I submit we could put a chimpanzee on the ballot and garner ten-percent of the vote.

Woody

Ho ho. Two Hanover things in one day!