Woody Boyd quotes from Cheers

Woody

Hey Sam, can I ask you something?

Sam

Another etiquette question?

Woody

Yeah last one. What do I do if Kelly's mom tries to go to bed with me?

Sam

Kelly's mom? I'm shocked and more than a little impressed.

Woody

Dr. Crane says if I can get undressed a little at a time in a place where I feel safe and secure pretty soon I can get naked anywhere.

Sam

Makin' progress huh Wood?

Woody

[now shirtless] You bet. I'm still scared, cold, and self-conscience. That's all I'll get out of it. But I did pick up an extra $50 in tips.

Woody

So, tonight, when I got out in front of that audience, I ripped off every stitch of clothing. I looked around and I thought, "Why am I the only one who's naked?"

Sam

Well, maybe nobody noticed, Wood.

Frasier

Oh, they noticed, Sam.

Woody

As if that wasn't bad enough, I heard this high-pitched scream from the audience, "Hey, look! He's the only one who's naked!"

Norm

Sorry, Woody. It took me by surprise.

Woody

Gary's just playing with us, like a rat and mouse.

Sam

That's cat and mouse, Woody.

Woody

Sam, a cat and mouse don't play together. They're mortal enemies. They don't even know the same games. Think before you speak, Sam.

Woody

Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.

Norm

You mean nice cold beer going down Mr. Peterson.

Lilith

Well kudos to Carla. It's healthy after a time to curtail one's grieving and recommence interest in the opposite sex. I know if my Frasier were taken from me in an unforeseen tragedy I would certainly date again after an acceptable period of bereavement.

Frasier

That gives me a warm fuzzy.

Lilith

There'd be no sense in being overly emotional, darling. You'd be dead and rotting in a box.

Frasier

Woody, can I have another beer and would you check on the robot over there and check if it's thirsty.

Woody

Hey Dr. Crane, that's your wife. Don't talk about her like that. What can I get you Dr. Sternin-Crane? Another quart of Valvoline?

Lilith

Oh won't you people stop it? I am not a robot!

Woody

[Terri] sounds like the perfect roommate. But I don't know. The thought of having a girl for a roommate, well I've got a real problem with that.

Norm

Your girlfriend wouldn't understand, huh?

Woody

Now I've got two problem.

Sam

I get it. Your mom would disapprove.

Woody

Make that three problems.

Frasier

What? Do you have religious scruples?

Woody

Oh great four problems.

Sam

What was your original problem?

Woody

Well I like to sit on the couch and leave the top button of my pants undone after a good frozen meal.

Woody

I don't think Kelly would mind. If I'm not sleeping with her why would I be sleeping with somebody else?

Carla

Wait a minute. You've been going out with Kelly for over a year and you're not sleepin' with her?

Woody

Of course not. That's the sort of this you wait to do after you're married. Right, Mr. Peterson?

Norm

Well you keep believing that, Woody.

Fine, eight years of humiliating you weenies is enough. I'm going to find a tougher gang to humiliate.

Woody

You can look all over Boston, you won't find any weenies tougher than us.

Frasier

I've just been feeling a bit edgy these days.

Woody

Why's that Dr. Crane?

Frasier

Lilith in her own compulsive little way made the mistake of asking me if I thought she looked fat.

Norm

And what did you say?

Frasier

I told her she looked just fine.

Norm

Rookie mistake. So what kind of punishment are you getting?

Frasier

I'm not getting any.

Norm

Oh you got off easy.

Frasier

No, I'm not getting any.

Norm

No, you're getting off easy.

Norm

Your ma's in town?

Cliff

Yup.

Norm

Why don't you pick her up?

Cliff

No, Normie that would set exactly the wrong tone for this visit. I know why she's here. She wants to move back in with me. But she can just forget it. I tell you. She's not going to be running my life like she did when I was in my mid-30s. No siree sir.

Woody

I don't get it, Mr. Clavin. I thought you liked your ma a lot.

Norm

A whole lot.

Frasier

Too much to be healthy really.

Woody

How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?

Norm

Pretty nervous if I was in the room.

Woody

But so help me God, if a man with a thumb answers...Hold on. It's him. It's the thumb guy and you know what that pervert said? "Allo." What's that in English?

Norm

I took French in high school. Allo. Allo means..."I've got your girlfriend in my arms, and soon we'll be naked, you stupid cuckold."

Cliff

That's funny, Norm, because I thought it meant..."I got your girlfriend in my arms, and we're already naked, you stupid cuckold."

Frasier

Stop heckling the poor lad. Woody, it simply means...that "I enjoyed your girlfriend."

Woody

It's just a small part in a commercial, but I don't know if I can pull it off.

Norm

What do you play?

Woody

A bartender.

Sam

Woody, you are a bartender.

Woody

But in this commercial, I have to serve drinks.

Sam

Woody, you serve drinks all the time.

Woody

But I have to talk and serve drinks.

Sam

You talk and serve drinks everyday.

Woody

Now you've made me nervous about working here.

Sam

How's your love life? I mean the physical part?

Woody

I can't speak for Kelly but I'm looking forward to it.

Sam

You're telling me that you and Kelly haven't slept together?

Woody

Well, we did once when we went to see Old Gringo, but the whole row was snoring.

Sam

Well, I think this may be your problem, Wood?

Woody

I always figured we'd wait until after we were married. That's the way everybody in Hanover does it, except for that couple that teaches art at the high school.