Frasier Crane quotes from Cheers

Frasier

Why didn't you just bring Valerie with you?

Well you know she hates to travel. Besides we decided this was a perfect opportunity to test my theories about martial fidelity. And I'm glad to say that after 10 months of celibacy, I can how pronounce my principles sound.

Sam

After 10 months of celibacy I couldn't even pronounce my name.

Rebecca

Oh Frasier, Lilith excuse me. I know you're probably on your way somewhere.

Lilith

Yes, we are.

Frasier

But when aren't we?

Rebecca

It's just that I have this really bad problem. It's getting so bad that I can't even sleep at night.

Frasier

Well I'm sorry Rebecca, we do have this important lunch.

Rebecca

You see I've been having these erotic dreams.

Frasier

Well lunch be damned! Our friend is in need.

Frasier

Perhaps your dreams are trying to tell you about something too frightening for your waking mind.

Sam

Like what?

Frasier

Like you care. You care about Rebecca.

Sam

Oh come on, Frasier. You know me. How can I care about her? We haven't done the main thing that I care about.

Frasier

Forgive me, Sam. I forgot about your high moral standards.

Lilith

You mean to say, you can't care about a woman unless you sleep with her first?

Sam

Well, yeah.

Frasier

Emotional crises can affect our sensory perceptions. Devastating. I've read volumes on hysterical blindness, loss of hearing, even total loss of speech.

Carla

Clavin had to pick blindness.

Frasier

Carla, you're not helping.

Carla

I'm not trying.

Frasier

How can you go back to a room full of people that think you're a total idiot? How do you do it Cliff?

Cliff

I don't really like to divulge-- Hey!

Frasier

All right now, everyone pay attention. I have an announcement to make and I only have a minute.

Norm

Why? You're in a hurry?

Frasier

No, I was referring to your relatively short attention spans.

Frasier

I'm just going to the men's room to check my hair.

Carla

I already checked. It's not in there.

Frasier

You know it just isn't fair. I came because I wanted to be one of the guys and all I'm doing is sitting on my duff watching other people do things.

Norm

Welcome to NormWorld. Keep your hands inside the car at all times.

Woody

So, tonight, when I got out in front of that audience, I ripped off every stitch of clothing. I looked around and I thought, "Why am I the only one who's naked?"

Sam

Well, maybe nobody noticed, Wood.

Frasier

Oh, they noticed, Sam.

Woody

As if that wasn't bad enough, I heard this high-pitched scream from the audience, "Hey, look! He's the only one who's naked!"

Norm

Sorry, Woody. It took me by surprise.

Frasier

Carla, this psychic business is just a crutch to avoid reality. It's very easy for people to get hooked on this hocus pocus. Before you know it this woman will be holding your hand once a week, charging you $100 an hour, and filling your mind with all sorts of confusing jargon.

Carla

And how is that different from you?

Frasier

Well [pause]...I can prescribe drugs.

Lilith

Well kudos to Carla. It's healthy after a time to curtail one's grieving and recommence interest in the opposite sex. I know if my Frasier were taken from me in an unforeseen tragedy I would certainly date again after an acceptable period of bereavement.

Frasier

That gives me a warm fuzzy.

Lilith

There'd be no sense in being overly emotional, darling. You'd be dead and rotting in a box.

Frasier

Woody, can I have another beer and would you check on the robot over there and check if it's thirsty.

Woody

Hey Dr. Crane, that's your wife. Don't talk about her like that. What can I get you Dr. Sternin-Crane? Another quart of Valvoline?

Lilith

Oh won't you people stop it? I am not a robot!

Woody

[Terri] sounds like the perfect roommate. But I don't know. The thought of having a girl for a roommate, well I've got a real problem with that.

Norm

Your girlfriend wouldn't understand, huh?

Woody

Now I've got two problem.

Sam

I get it. Your mom would disapprove.

Woody

Make that three problems.

Frasier

What? Do you have religious scruples?

Woody

Oh great four problems.

Sam

What was your original problem?

Woody

Well I like to sit on the couch and leave the top button of my pants undone after a good frozen meal.

Carla

Wait a minute, Sammy. Look. Rebecca just said she was leaving here and never coming back.

Sam

Yeah.

Carla

Oh man, this is terrible.

Frasier

What?

Carla

Sammy finally struck out for real.

Sam

What are you talking about here?

Carla

We all knew it was taking a long time but we thought that eventually you two would be doing the horizontal hokey pokey.

Norm

I guess that's it, huh? Lower the flag.

Carla

It's the end of an era.

Sam

Yup, I guess that's it.

Frasier

I've just been feeling a bit edgy these days.

Woody

Why's that Dr. Crane?

Frasier

Lilith in her own compulsive little way made the mistake of asking me if I thought she looked fat.

Norm

And what did you say?

Frasier

I told her she looked just fine.

Norm

Rookie mistake. So what kind of punishment are you getting?

Frasier

I'm not getting any.

Norm

Oh you got off easy.

Frasier

No, I'm not getting any.

Norm

No, you're getting off easy.

Frasier

I would like to nominate as the stupidest creature on earth: the one who awakens each day to drive through gridlocked traffic, to sit in a window less office breathing recirculated air, then returns home and collapses into a stupor, only to do the same damn thing all over again every day until he dies.

Norm

Looking forward to that vacation, hey Frase?

Frasier

You bet. We're going to Maui.