Frasier Crane quotes from Cheers

Sam

I'm not ready to own a home. You got to work up to that.

Norm

Sammy's right. It's a big responsibility. You got lawns to mow. You got plumbing to fix, gutters to clean. Then every couple of years you've got to paint the entire thing from top to bottom. Honestly I don't know where Vera gets the energy.

Frasier

Norm, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Norm

Yeah, I guess I should, shouldn't I? Well thank God I'm not.

Sam

What am I going to do about this?

Frasier

Sam, may I suggest deception?

Cliff

Well hold onto your horses there, Frasier. I mean as a psychiatrist isn't your job to seek and uphold the truth?

Frasier

Get real, Cliff.

Frasier

Here's to the most beautiful woman in the world. [Lilith throws the glass of wine in his face] Let me guess, you read the letter.

Frasier

SHE'S NO SLUT! [quails slightly at Lilith's scowl] What slut? Well, I mean, look...it was all a mistake, it's just a big mistake...

Lilith

Oh, you bet it is, mister! You want your freedom!? I'll give you freedom...FROM YOUR TEETH! [She picks up a dish and takes aim at Frasier]

Frasier

NO, LILITH! Not the Royal Doulton!

Sam

How you been there, Frasier?

Frasier

You know how it is for a psychiatrist this day in age. Divorces. Hopelessness over financial situations. Rampant paranoia. Thriving, never better.

Frasier

[about Lillith] Oh God I'm losing her, Sam.

Sam

Will you stop that? You're my friend, I'm never going to take a woman away from you.

Frasier

What about Diane?

Sam

And didn't God punish me with a vengeance?

Frasier

Well, yes, but gee whiz.

Frasier

We had oodles of fun and we lost a combined 11 pounds to boot.

Cliff

You lost weight on a cruise? I thought there were wall to wall meals?

Lilith

There's also wall to wall waves.

Sam

What's got you so upset?

Frasier

Some college professor has just published an article that refutes everything I said in my last paper.

Cliff

Sounds like a shoot out at the Cuckoo Corral.

Cliff

Check out Mr. Evan Drake over there acting like he owns the place, huh. Thinks he's just some big shot corporate executive.

Frasier

Well actually Cliff if it helps to alleviate this envy that seems to be eating you up right now studies have shown that rich people are 40 to 50% less happy than most of us.

Sam

Oh come on. That's a crock.

Frasier

Of course it is. But we have to cling to it, don't we?

Carla

I am not gona wind up in your office,strapped to some tables with some electricity shots going through my head.

Frasier

Carla, thats not part of the therapy.

Carla

Oh yeah? What about Diane?

Frasier

Now look, I never treated Diane with any kind of shocks(to Sam) of course now I wish I had.

Cliff

How's married life treatin' ya? Quite a change, huh?

Frasier

Well you know Lilith and I did live together a year before we wed so other than the fact that I now see it stretching endlessly before me until I lie rotting in the grave, there's no real difference.

Frasier

Explain this to me. If the winner is going to get a kiss from Rebecca, what does the loser get?

Cliff

Well, um, A kiss from Norm!

Norm

Then of course, there is no loser.

Sam

So believe it or not I've given up sex entirely. But you've got to promise not to tell anyone.

Frasier

Well Sam, confidentiality is the bedrock of my profession. Besides, who'd believe it?

Cliff

Yeah, it's a genetic quirk in the Clavin family that we all have two extra teeth. You see, that's the only way we can prove we are the rightful heirs to the Russian throne.

Frasier

Hello in there, Cliff. Tell me, what color is the sky in your world?

Lilith

You should be decorating professionally.

Norm

Doing you folks a favor is one thing. Anymore of this interior decorating junk could really eat into my reputation as a lazy, beer-guzzling lump of mashed potatoes.

Frasier

But Norm, you have a gift.

Norm

A gift? Try a curse, pal. I spent my whole damn life trying to cover up the fact that I have a great sense of color and I always know where to put the ottoman.

Norm

[about their conversation] Yeah, why wasn't it the stupidest?

Frasier

Well frankly it lacks meaningless statistics and inane historical trivia. Say where is Cliff anyway?

Sam

Yeah, is he still in the hospital?

Norm

I don't know. How's he doin'?

Sam

I thought you were gonna go see him.

Norm

Well I tried. I mean I got as far as the hospital lobby but you know that smell of alcohol makes me really queasy. [motions for a beer refill]