Frasier Crane quotes from Cheers

Norm

Your ma's in town?

Cliff

Yup.

Norm

Why don't you pick her up?

Cliff

No, Normie that would set exactly the wrong tone for this visit. I know why she's here. She wants to move back in with me. But she can just forget it. I tell you. She's not going to be running my life like she did when I was in my mid-30s. No siree sir.

Woody

I don't get it, Mr. Clavin. I thought you liked your ma a lot.

Norm

A whole lot.

Frasier

Too much to be healthy really.

Woody

But so help me God, if a man with a thumb answers...Hold on. It's him. It's the thumb guy and you know what that pervert said? "Allo." What's that in English?

Norm

I took French in high school. Allo. Allo means..."I've got your girlfriend in my arms, and soon we'll be naked, you stupid cuckold."

Cliff

That's funny, Norm, because I thought it meant..."I got your girlfriend in my arms, and we're already naked, you stupid cuckold."

Frasier

Stop heckling the poor lad. Woody, it simply means...that "I enjoyed your girlfriend."

Frasier

Very often that's the best thing you can do when you're not getting along with a family member. Remove yourself entirely from them. Find some neutral place where you can take the time you need to be away from them.

Norm

You really think so, Frase?

Frasier

Well that's why we're all here, isn't it?

Frasier

Carla, death is an earthly scientific passage predicted by either massive physical injury or progressive bodily deterioration. There is as little validity in a supposed death dream as there is in the cliched image of death itself as a grim bloodless ghoul who's bony finger reaches out to tap you on the shoulder when your number's up.

Lilith

[taps Frasier's shoulder] Frasier, it's time to go.

Frasier

[Screams] Don't do that, woman. Put on some blush.

Frasier

Woody, I think it was a great sacrifice for you to give your clothes to Rebecca. It puts me in mind of another novel by my favorite British author. You know who I mean. I'll give you a hint, Charles...

Norm

In Charge?

Frasier

Are you people really this ignorant or do you do this just to torture me?

Norm

Sometimes the two go hand in hand.

Woody

I don't know, Dr. Crane. Haven't you ever thought that it's kind of tough on them - doing all that counseling stuff? I mean I was raised to believe that if you have a problem, you lock it away in a secret place. You keep it bottled up good and tight. And if it gets full in there, you just keep forcing the pain down and clamping it in.

Frasier

Good advice, Woody. [to Norm] Tick... tick... tick.

Lilith

I think your humor is expressive of a hidden hostility toward Rebecca. Or perhaps deep down you fear she really is capable of taking this bar from you.

Sam

Put a suit on a woman and she thinks she's God.

Lilith

Frasier, are you going to let him talk to me like this?

Frasier

She's also this way when the suit comes off, Sam.

Rebecca

I don't understand why nobody wants to come back to my beautiful tearoom.

Frasier

Well Rebecca, a restaurant should be like a mistress. See one shouldn't feel she's over eager to please. It's far more enticing if you need her more than she needs you.

Lilith

Who is this she you're talking about, Frasier?

Frasier

Purely hypothetical.

Lilith

It's a little strange for a happily married man to go prattling on about a mistress.

Frasier

Oh come on, hon. Give me this one. You already heard me admit I was whipped in front of the boys.

Lilith

That was good.

Norm

I have a new industrial paint sprayer. It gets the job done in a couple of hours.

Cliff

Very clever.

Norm

It was invented by the Japanese so they could paint more efficiently, more quickly.

Frasier

Whereas you will use it to drink more beers, watch more TV, and put off everything until the very last minute.

Norm

Right. You see they're way ahead of us in technology but they don't have our creativity.

Frasier

Two grown men settling a rivalry by throwing a little white ball at a wooden stick. How pathetic. Now boxing, that's a man's sport. Punch a guy in the face and scramble his brains. That proves something.

Norm

Fraze, you're really coming around buddy.

Frasier

Thank you.

Lilith

I don't know how comfortable I feel with this setup. He's just a baby. He needs supervision.

Frasier

Well Sam can take care of him.

Lilith

I'm talking about Sam. You know how out of control he can get at times. What a mess he can make.

Frasier

Sam can clean it up.

I'm talking about Sam.

Frasier

Darling, it will just be for a few hours.

Lilith

All right but if anything goes wrong he could be scarred for life.

Frasier

You mean Sam, right.

Lilith

Yes and it's a threat.

Frasier

Sam, your whole life has been a string of meaningless albeit enjoyable sexual encounters. Now for the first time you're engaging in a meaningful productive pursuit. It's a common conflict between what we call recreational sex and procreational sex.

Sam

What?

Frasier

Oh, dirty sex and clean sex.

Frasier

Oh say you know Norm, the guy on This Old House said you should apply paint with vertical strokes.

Norm

Yeah, what's This Old House?

Frasier

Well it's a show on PBS.

Norm

What's PBS?

Lilith

Tell me you didn't see that coming a mile away.

Frasier

People. People. We cannot impose our own moral belief systems on these two.

Sam

Yes, thank you very much.

Frasier

The real question is, will they make responsible parents?

Rebecca

That's right.

Frasier

And the answer is an emphatic no.

Lilith

Frasier, we need to have a discussion.

Frasier

oh no, don't tell me you have a thing against Halloween too.

Lilith

I don't have a thing against Halloween. I just don't want my child panhandling door to door accepting non-nutritious snacks from strangers dressed in a silly costume.

Frasier

But darling, that is Halloween.

Lilith

Oh well, then I guess I do have a thing against it.