Cliff Clavin quotes from Cheers

Norm

Hey, hey, hey... stop laughing at my pal here, huh? This guy had the only dream more ridiculous than mine.

Cliff

Oh, yeah?

Norm

A lot more, I might add.

Cliff

Is that right, Marco Rollo?

Norm

Hey, I've gotta buy a drink for The Great Cliffini.

Cliff

Oh, next round is on me for Ferdinand Ma-jelly-belly!

Norm

Listen to The Flying Rear-end-a!

Cliff

Oh, is that right, Christopher Colum-butt?

Diane

You can't give her some standard pre-arranged speech you have for dumping women.

Sam

I do not have a standard pre-arranged speech for dumping women. Come on, every situation is different. For example now the speech I dumped you with will be totally inappropriate.

Diane

I don't think you dumped me.

Sam

Well you see that was the beauty of it. Come on give me credit will you, for knowing I couldn't possibly have one speech for every situation.

Cliff

Yeah, he's got six.

Cliff

As long as I'm carrying this bag there's one thing that will never touch these lips.

Carla

You mean there's something that wants to?

Cliff

Ah, Norm, you're not trained. You're not qualified.

Norm

What qualified? You drop ‘em in a slot. A chimp could do it.

Cliff

You're kiddin', no way. They did a study at the University of Michigan – chimps were 32% slower. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, they were better with customer relations and everything...

Norm

Yeah, Cliffy had himself the "Ton O' T-Bone". For less than four bucks you get 24 ounces of USDA Choice "bef".

Cliff

Bef? No, you mean beef.

Norm

Beef? Don't be ridiculous, Cliffy. That stuff is "bef". You see it's a Hungry Heifer trademark for a processed, synthetic – what – meat-like substance.

Cliff

Ah, no.

Norm

What do you expect for four bucks? You see me complainin' about the "loobster"?

Sam

Cliff, you look terrible. Was today Sears catalogue day?

Cliff

And that's not all, Spiegel's catalogue came out the same day. Yeah, it's a phenomenon that happens once every 27 years when both marketing strategies are in the same equinox.

Cliff

There's a lovely young thing. Perhaps I should just go and make my move.

Carla

Yeah go ahead and faint.

Cliff

I hate answering machines. I never know what to say to them.

Carla

Gee and you're such a whiz with people.

Sam

Maybe she came on too strong. Some guys don't like that.

Cliff

Well, I know how the lad feels. In the, uh, mating ritual I like to be the aggressor. ‘Course, uh, I don't mind the woman giving me a clear signal that I caught her eye.

Carla

You mean like sticking a finger down her throat?

Cliff

Well Carla, it is common knowledge I'm scientifically handy. As a matter of fact I spent a good part of my youth in a laboratory.

Carla

And you'd still be there today if the chimpanzee hadn't taught you how to open your cage.

Cliff

Come on Diane. She's your ma. She carried you for nine months.

Diane

Eight, I was premature.

Carla

Couldn't wait to get out and start yappin'.

Cliff

Italian imports – sixty-five smackeroonies. That's right, notice the, uh, sleek European styling there, the sturdy reinforced frames and the high tech shatterproof reflective lenses that allow me to scope out the dollies without, uh, drawing attention to myself.

Carla

You could walk up to ‘em naked with your hair on fire and not draw attention to yourself.

Cliff

How would you know? They only work on women.

Carla

They seem to have given you courage.

Norm

What do you supposed happened to him?

Cliff

It's obvious, isn't it? My father didn't trust me so he gave me the slip out of the bathroom window. I guess I'll, uh, just go home. (dejected, he starts to leave)

Carla

But, you're ruling out the other possibility.

Cliff

What other possibility?

Carla

Well, it's a little known fact, but more and more people have been going into men's rooms and vaporizing. I mean just disappearing into thin air. It's an unexplained phenomenon.

Norm

It's kinda like, uh, the Bermuda Triangle.

Carla

That's right.

Cliff

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get serious, will you.

Carla

Have it your way.

Cliff

Well, you know, however, uh, this much is true: you know, uh, it's been recent sightings of, uh, human beings being, uh, shot up into the underbelly of alien spacecraft. You know, and speaking of the Bermuda Triangle... it's not technically a triangle.

Woody

It's not?

Cliff

Heck no! It's a "trapazedarhomboid". Perfect for, uh, attracting Martian spacecraft.

Sam

Aw, come on, man. Just 'cause he looks like a spy and acts like a spy doesn't mean he is a spy, does it?

Norm

I think it pretty much does, Sam. You don't suppose this guy is with, like, the CIA or FBI or anything, do you?

Cliff

Ah, could be.

Sam

Alright, let's go over the four things we know about him: He's been here since we opened, he's not drinking, he's not waiting for a table upstairs... Actually, that's only three. Anybody else know anything?

Diane

You're an idiot!

Sam

That would be four, then.

Woody

Mr. Dalton, you've had so many bizarre and terrifying experiences.

Some people say I have a death wish. Far from it, I have a life wish.

Cliff

So does Normy.

Norm

What?

Cliff

He wishes he had one.