Cliff Clavin quotes from Cheers

Sam

I'll think of something.

Cliff

Skimpy outfits on the waitresses, Sammy.

Sam

That's not bad.

Carla

Wait a minute. I don't want people having a look at something I'm ashamed of.

Sam

You've got a lovely body.

Carla

[pointing at Diane] I was talking about hers.

Sam

I'll think of something.

Diane

Well I don't know what.

Sam

You don't have my brain.

Diane

Whoever has it should return it. You need it right now.

Cliff

[to Janet Eldridge] I will deliver you the postal vote.

Carla

Yeah, too bad it will be to the wrong address.

Woody

Looks like Sammy got his walking papers. I know how he feels.

Norm

Yeah I think we've all been there before, Woody.

Cliff

Well it's never happened to me, so I guess I'll just have to imagine it.

Norm

Cliffie, you actually have to go with someone before you can get dumped.

Sam

You wore your socks in the tanning booth?

Cliff

Well I've got to be careful, Sammy. The Clavin men have feet like a baby's bottom.

Carla

With faces to match.

Cliff

Today marks the beginning of my seventh year as a United States postal carrier.

Norm

Woody, I think that calls for a little drink on the house. What do you think?

Woody

I think you're right, Mr. Peterson.

Norm

What the hell, give Cliffie one too.

I'd like to help with the doctor bills.

Sam

That's good.

Cliff

[to Madeline] That's good.

Anything to help ease the burden on you and your family.

Sam

You're not married.

Cliff

[to Madeline] You're not married. [Sam taps Cliff on the shoulder.] I mean I'm not married. But I could be if I wanted to. Right, Sam?

Sam

Sure.

Sam

What am I going to do about this?

Frasier

Sam, may I suggest deception?

Cliff

Well hold onto your horses there, Frasier. I mean as a psychiatrist isn't your job to seek and uphold the truth?

Frasier

Get real, Cliff.

Oh look there's your favorite hiding place in the closet. You used to be in there for hours.

Cliff

It's cause you always locked the door on me, Ma.

Well look at the result. You're a very polite young man.

Cliff

You can call me a traditionalist, call me out of step with the times but I prefer to get my women the old-fashioned way.

Carla

In a plain brown wrapper?

Frasier

We had oodles of fun and we lost a combined 11 pounds to boot.

Cliff

You lost weight on a cruise? I thought there were wall to wall meals?

Lilith

There's also wall to wall waves.

Sam

What's got you so upset?

Frasier

Some college professor has just published an article that refutes everything I said in my last paper.

Cliff

Sounds like a shoot out at the Cuckoo Corral.

Cliff

Oh, hey. Did you notice the pool on the way in?

Woody

Yeah.

Cliff

So when summer rolls around and all those girls are out there in their French-cut bikinis, I don't have to tell you where I'll be.

Norm

Standing right here with a pair of binoculars?

Cliff

That's right.

Cliff

Hey Normy. You ever feel like we're getting in a rut here?

Norm

What do you mean Cliff?

Cliff

I mean we come in the same bar, sit in the same stools, drink beer night after night. I mean there's gotta be something more to life.

Norm

Cliffie, for the last time, I am not changing bar stools with you.

Cliff

Pardon my appearance everybody.

Rebecca

We always do. Sorry I was covering for Carla.

Cliff

Check out Mr. Evan Drake over there acting like he owns the place, huh. Thinks he's just some big shot corporate executive.

Frasier

Well actually Cliff if it helps to alleviate this envy that seems to be eating you up right now studies have shown that rich people are 40 to 50% less happy than most of us.

Sam

Oh come on. That's a crock.

Frasier

Of course it is. But we have to cling to it, don't we?