Carla Tortelli quotes from Cheers

Carla

Nick, what the hell do you want?

Nick

Hey, is that the kind of hello I deserve?

Carla

No, bend over and I'll give it to you.

Nick

I need a simple favor.

Carla

Unless it's setting your eyebrows on fire, forget it.

Diane

[about Amanda] Maybe I'm being an alarmist. She wouldn't be out if she still had problems.

Carla

You're out.

Diane

Bennett Ludlow is a wonderful catch.

Carla

There's some things he doesn't know about me.

Diane

Well a little mystery is good for a marriage. What haven't you told him?

Carla

Well I haven't been completely honest about my kids.

Diane

What haven't you told him about your kids?

Carla

That they live.

Carla

How come you're not going on that fishing trip, Coach?

Coach

I don't like the smell of them.

Carla

Yeah, fish stink.

Coach

No, the guys. Out in that sun all day, stuck in the muck. Who needs it?

Diane

Carla, I don't think you should be engaging in strenuous activity when you're with child.

Carla

If I didn't do things with child, I'd never leave the house. The only thing I ever did without child resulted in one.

Diane

Oh, this is disgusting. What kind of culture do I live in where they are the ideal woman?

Coach

Well, gee, Diane. You've gotta admit: they are beautiful.

Diane

Coach, take away all their make-up, all their expensive haircuts and those bodies... and what have you got?

Carla

You.

Diane

Oh, my God. The thing I feared most has happened.

Carla

Your Living Bra died of boredom?

Cliff

As long as I'm carrying this bag there's one thing that will never touch these lips.

Carla

You mean there's something that wants to?

Carla

Hey, wait. I got an idea.

Diane

You mean you actually conceived something besides a child.

Carla

Whoa... a bitter and unprovoked attack. I like it.

Nick

[about Carla being pregnant] Hey you got a guy, Carla?

Carla

No, I swallowed a beach ball. For your information I am not seeing anybody. But the guy who knocked me up and ran this time is ten times classier than you.

Norm

[Commenting on Sam and Diane's former relationship] Hey would you two mind if we move on to something a little more interesting than your star-crossed romance?

Carla

Come on, Norm. What could be more interesting than another gripping episode of "Young and the Chestless"?

Cliff

There's a lovely young thing. Perhaps I should just go and make my move.

Carla

Yeah go ahead and faint.

Cliff

I hate answering machines. I never know what to say to them.

Carla

Gee and you're such a whiz with people.

Sam

Woody, this is Carla Tortelli.

Woody

Hi ma'am.

Carla

Ma'am? What's that supposed to mean?

Woody

I believe it's a term of respect.

Carla

No wonder it sounded so weird.