Norm Peterson quotes from Cheers

Sam

What just happened here guys?

Norm

Well you got shot down, Sam.

Sam

You know you read about those things but you never think they're going to happen to you.

Cliff

What do you say, Norm? For of us toolin' down old mother road, getting in touch with the old hairy man mobile.

Norm

I don't know. I don't think I can handle sitting still for six hours a day.

Cliff

It might be more like 20.

Norm

Oh then I'm in.

Rebecca

Oh shoot. It's a minus. I'm not pregnant. Well we only started trying last night. I guess we can't expect to get pregnant the first time.

Sam

I thought that's what the fourth and fifth times were for.

Norm

Fifth time? Imagine that.

Cliff

I'm only up to three.

Frasier

Oh say you know Norm, the guy on This Old House said you should apply paint with vertical strokes.

Norm

Yeah, what's This Old House?

Frasier

Well it's a show on PBS.

Norm

What's PBS?

Lilith

Tell me you didn't see that coming a mile away.

Cliff

The only real hurdle left is Ma. It's very traumatic when the woman you love more than anything else is the world meets your significant other.

Norm

Which would be which, Cliff?

Cliff

Now you see my problem.

Sam

Hey what's going on, Normie?

Norm

It's my birthday Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I'll blow out my liver.

Woody

Hey Mr. P, how goes the search for Mr. Clavin?

Norm

Not as well as the search for Mr. Doughnut. I found him every couple of blocks.

I am being kicked out. Just because I am not a citizen and I have no job and I have no prospect for a job and I have no wish for a job.

Norm

Wait a minute. They can kick you out for that?

Sam

No, no relax. You were born here.

Norm

God bless America.

Rebecca

You know when I was a kid I was the first one in my class to, you know, develop breasts. They teased me the whole year.

Norm

Oh yeah? Me too.

Rebecca

Who's birthday? One of your kids?

Carla

Yeah right, you see a file in it? Today happens to be Elvis Presley's birthday.

Norm

Celebrating the birthday of a dead guy. That's kind of ghoulish, isn't it? I don't know how you could stomach something like that.

Carla

It's double mocha chocolate fudge.

Norm

Long live the king.

John Hill

For the next three hours I need you and the rest of the Cheers' chimps to hold down the noise. Right now I'm entertaining 200 elderly women from the Daughters of the American Revolution.

Sam

Givin' ‘em a first-hand account, John?

John Hill

Very amusing. Sam, this vent connects directly to my dining room and often we can hear everything you say down here. So tell your mailman to go to that side of the bar if he wants to describe his fungal infections.

Norm

You know, I have to second that.

Woody

Actually, I was the best poker player in the entire metro Hanover area.

Cliff

Well, uh, you're in the city now, Woody.

Woody

Well I guess you do play different than a bunch of farm boys.

Sam

Oh, yes we do. Why don't you sit down, Woodrow?

Woody

Oh, thanks. Take it easy on me.

Norm

OK. What sort of game would you like to play, huh?

Woody

Well, how ‘bout, uh... "Five blind piglets and one full teat"?

Norm

What the heck kind of game is that?

Woody

That's where five city boys lose all their money. [starts dealing one-handed]

Carla

I think you're gonna be surprised, ‘cause Sam's gonna make this team. Right guys?

Norm

Right, of course, he's Mayday Malone.

Cliff

Yeah, but hold on there, Norm, what if he doesn't? Have you thought about that? A thing like that can really hit a guy hard. He'll probably storm back in here, go in the office, lock himself in, and maybe start taking inventory of his life. Peruse over the setbacks, the humiliations, the wrong turns, and all the while fashioning his belt into a makeshift noose. I mean we've all done it a hundred times.

Frasier

You okay, Cliff?

Cliff

What are you asking me for, Sam's the one with the problem.

Cliff

[at Mr. Pubb's]Look at all the neon in here.

Norm

It looks like the inside of a UFO.

Cliff

Actually they're quite different... I guess.

Rebecca

This is what we losers do, Norm. At least we're not alone, we have each other.

Norm

You're not gonna kiss me again are you?? Cause I still have to drive home.