Norm Peterson quotes from Cheers

Rebecca

I'm not a loser! Norm's a loser. Look at him eating ice cream.

Norm

Hey guys...did Rebecca just call me a loser?

Frasier

I'm afraid so, Norm.

Norm

Good...I thought she said leave me some!

Norm

What do you want to do tonight, Cliff?

Cliff

Eh, I dunno, what do you want to do?

Norm

I dunno.

Rebecca

You guys, you do this all day long for hours!

Cliff

Face it Rebecca, we're bored, nothing ever happens around here.

Rebecca

[gasps] Oh my God!

Norm

Hey, it's Andy Andy.

Rebecca

What, you know this person?!

Cliff

Yeah, former major felon. Once killed a waitress.

Where's Diane? I demand to see Diane!!!

Woody

Well, Miss Chambers hasn't worked here for 5 or 6 years.

Oh really? Well, okay.

Cliff

So, what do you want to do?

Cliff

Normy, come on, will you? The buddy of ours is on the ledge, he's about to jump to his death. Let's go!

Norm

Jeez, you're right. I'd better go move my car.

Rebecca

[after the gang hears that John Allen Hill had a heart attack] Should we visit him at the hospital? Who wants to go? Come on you guys... he's our neighbor... we know him. We should see him in the hospital.

Norm

Rebecca, it's not like he's our best friend or anything.

Rebecca

Norm, that's not the point. The point is you have to pretend to be nice to people - that's what makes you a good person.

In the meantime, I'll just stay here and wait. Give me a beer.

Norm

[shows his empty mug] Sir, did I ever tell you that I was in the Coast Guard?

Coast Guard, huh? Well you must be very proud, Miss.

Norm

So, buy a girl a drink?

Cliff

[after the gang learns that Rebecca stills get an allowance from her father] Imagine somebody getting an allowance at her age, eh? My ma cut me off when I was thirty. No ifs, ands or buts. And it hurt, I tell you - hurt like hell. Ah, but it had a happy ending.

Norm

Made you more self-reliant, Cliff?

Cliff

Nah. A couple of years later her pension fund went bankrupt. She had to come crawling to me for some dough. I just gave her the old horse laugh. "What goes around," huh, boys?

Cliff

Relax, Norm. I've been brainstorming. I've come up with a plan.

Norm

I'm desperate. I'll try anything. Come on.

Cliff

Tell you what, here's the plan: I go to the hotel in your place, right? I reach in, flick off the light, say "Room service for Dot Carroll". In the meantime, I got a big bag full of wild squirrels with sparklers attached to their tails. I drop 'em in the room; they run around terrified, setting off the alarms and the sprinklers... OK? In the ensuing hub-bub, she forgets all about her little date with you. Trust me - you think a cold shower's a mood killer? Try a bag of wild squirrels.

Norm

Thanks, Cliff, but you don't have to go to the trouble.

Cliff

That's all right... I already got the squirrels.

Frasier

Well Norm, you could get someone to impersonate Vera.

Norm

Well thanks Frasier, but I doubt that Ed Asner has time to hop on a plane to Boston.

Sam

That was the low point in my life. Never, ever, have I been naked and not had fun. I tell you it was degradation.

Woody

I thought we were a lot tighter the second show.

Paul

How am I ever gonna show my face in here again?

Norm

Paul, it's not your face that's burned into my memory.

Cliff

You know, I kinda found the whole thing, uh, quite exhilarating.

Norm

Exhilarating?

Cliff

I meant humiliating.

Frasier

[after a night of drinking Carla's special drinks] Woody, you had as much of that vile brew as the rest of us. How can you be so chipper this morning?

Woody

Oh, it's because of the old Hanover hangover cure. Very simple: first, put on your pajamas; then, take an aspirin with a glass of cold water; and then, you vomit 'til your nose bleeds and heave until you see the angels. Wake up in the mornin', you feel brand new. Boy, I am hungry. Anybody for some chili dogs?

Norm

Okay, okay, but only two.

Norm

Okay, Cliff, you want to tell me what's tattooed forever on my butt.

Cliff

It's a big American flag there, Norm. With the motto: "God Bless The U.S. Post Office."

Cliff

What's mine say?

Norm

"I Love Vera."

Sam

Hey, Cliffy. How ya doin'?

Cliff

Not well, Sam. Boy am I mad. I've never been this upset! Three words, fellas. Three words... "Dames is grief"!

Norm

Fighting with ma, huh?

Cliff

Oh and how. Seems like that's all we do anymore. You know, you'd think it'd be a perfect set-up: a mother and a grown son living in a one-bedroom apartment. But, no. Reality check, gentlemen! Life is not like the movies, I guess, huh.

Sam

I'm sure it'll all blow over, Cliffy.

Cliff

Oh, no way, Sammy; not this time. I tell you that broad's pushed me too hard - too hard, I tell ya! And it's about time I started pushin' back. She's just gone and created a monster, that's all. But this monster is not gonna lie in some tomb of ice, no siree. My anger will melt that ice so that I might rise up and... and crush the Tokyo of the buildings there beneath the talons of my animosity...

Frasier

[interrupts] Cliff. Cliff. We all appreciate how hard you're working on this metaphor, but we get the idea.

Sam

You know I think you should go home, wake Vera, and do whatever comes naturally.

Norm

Wake her up so she can watch me eat a bucket of buffalo wings?

Norm

Sammy, can I let you in on a little secret?

Sam

Sure.

Norm

I knew you'd come back.

Sam

You did?

Norm

You can never be unfaithful to your one true love. You always come back to her.

Sam

Who is that?

Norm

Think about it, Sam.

Sam

Boy, I tell ya, I'm the luckiest son of a bitch on earth. [At he walks back, he hears a man come down the steps and knock on the door.] Sorry, we're closed.