Norm Peterson quotes from Cheers

Frasier

I would like to nominate as the stupidest creature on earth: the one who awakens each day to drive through gridlocked traffic, to sit in a window less office breathing recirculated air, then returns home and collapses into a stupor, only to do the same damn thing all over again every day until he dies.

Norm

Looking forward to that vacation, hey Frase?

Frasier

You bet. We're going to Maui.

Norm

Your ma's in town?

Cliff

Yup.

Norm

Why don't you pick her up?

Cliff

No, Normie that would set exactly the wrong tone for this visit. I know why she's here. She wants to move back in with me. But she can just forget it. I tell you. She's not going to be running my life like she did when I was in my mid-30s. No siree sir.

Woody

I don't get it, Mr. Clavin. I thought you liked your ma a lot.

Norm

A whole lot.

Frasier

Too much to be healthy really.

Woody

How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?

Norm

Pretty nervous if I was in the room.

Sam

We're sorry man. We feel bad because we know how much the Hungry Heifer means to you.

Norm

You don't know the half of it Sammy. I love the Heifer. I don't know what I'm gonna do without that place. It was like my home away from Cheers.

Cliff

As a rule your psycho killers don't have families. They're loners. They may have jobs. They're good to their mothers. By and large they sit alone at night in a dark room writing their depraved thoughts in a diary.

Norm

Cliffie, you keep a diary, don't you?

Cliff

I keep a journal, Norm. A journal.

Woody

But so help me God, if a man with a thumb answers...Hold on. It's him. It's the thumb guy and you know what that pervert said? "Allo." What's that in English?

Norm

I took French in high school. Allo. Allo means..."I've got your girlfriend in my arms, and soon we'll be naked, you stupid cuckold."

Cliff

That's funny, Norm, because I thought it meant..."I got your girlfriend in my arms, and we're already naked, you stupid cuckold."

Frasier

Stop heckling the poor lad. Woody, it simply means...that "I enjoyed your girlfriend."

Woody

It's just a small part in a commercial, but I don't know if I can pull it off.

Norm

What do you play?

Woody

A bartender.

Sam

Woody, you are a bartender.

Woody

But in this commercial, I have to serve drinks.

Sam

Woody, you serve drinks all the time.

Woody

But I have to talk and serve drinks.

Sam

You talk and serve drinks everyday.

Woody

Now you've made me nervous about working here.

Frasier

Very often that's the best thing you can do when you're not getting along with a family member. Remove yourself entirely from them. Find some neutral place where you can take the time you need to be away from them.

Norm

You really think so, Frase?

Frasier

Well that's why we're all here, isn't it?

Carla

Fools, non believers, can't you see what the evil [foosball table] has done? You're trapped. You're spending every minute of every day in this bar.

Cliff

We always do that.

Carla

Yeah, but now you're doing it standing up.

Norm

That is kind of eerie.

Sam

Guys listen up for a second please. When Rebecca comes in she's probably not going to be feeling too good so just take it easy on her. All right?

Norm

What's the problem, Sam?

Sam

She called off the whole wedding.

Carla

Get out.

Sam

I went over there last night. She was a real mess. She was clear about one thing. She doesn't love [Robin] and there's no way she's gonna marry him.

Norm

Yeah Sam, she's in agony.

Lilith

Ordinarily Sam, people don't deal with depression by putting on a wedding dress and acting giddy.

Carla

Except maybe Clavin.

Sam

Hey, any of you guys tried that new steakhouse on Commonwealth?

Norm

No.

Sam

It's great. Beautiful waitresses in tiny little wench outfits.

Norm

Yeah, what did you have?

Sam

Beautiful waitress in a tiny little wench outfit. I'm going back too.

Frasier

Woody, I think it was a great sacrifice for you to give your clothes to Rebecca. It puts me in mind of another novel by my favorite British author. You know who I mean. I'll give you a hint, Charles...

Norm

In Charge?

Frasier

Are you people really this ignorant or do you do this just to torture me?

Norm

Sometimes the two go hand in hand.

Norm

I have a new industrial paint sprayer. It gets the job done in a couple of hours.

Cliff

Very clever.

Norm

It was invented by the Japanese so they could paint more efficiently, more quickly.

Frasier

Whereas you will use it to drink more beers, watch more TV, and put off everything until the very last minute.

Norm

Right. You see they're way ahead of us in technology but they don't have our creativity.

Frasier

Two grown men settling a rivalry by throwing a little white ball at a wooden stick. How pathetic. Now boxing, that's a man's sport. Punch a guy in the face and scramble his brains. That proves something.

Norm

Fraze, you're really coming around buddy.

Frasier

Thank you.

Carla

Hey guys did I miss anything?

Norm

Sam hasn't started yet. Where've you been?

Carla

I've been visiting the other team. Ran into somebody I used to get hot and sweaty with.

Norm

Who's that?

Carla

The other team.