Sam Malone quotes from Cheers

Diane

Good Lord, Sam. Have you been swimming laps in that cologne of yours?

Sam

No. I just dropped the bottle all over the floor in there. Another two dollars and fifty cents down the drain.

Diane

Ah, the big bottle.

Sam

Aw, come on, man. Just 'cause he looks like a spy and acts like a spy doesn't mean he is a spy, does it?

Norm

I think it pretty much does, Sam. You don't suppose this guy is with, like, the CIA or FBI or anything, do you?

Cliff

Ah, could be.

Sam

Alright, let's go over the four things we know about him: He's been here since we opened, he's not drinking, he's not waiting for a table upstairs... Actually, that's only three. Anybody else know anything?

Diane

You're an idiot!

Sam

That would be four, then.

Sam

You're the only person I trust to listen to on this one.

Frasier

Okay Sam, I think I have some advice for you.

Sam

Oh good, what?

Frasier

Get yourself a qualified therapist to help you get over your depression and when you do give me his name.

Diane

Do this for me and I'll owe you a big big favor. That doesn't involve sex, sex, or sex.

Sam

How about sex?

Diane

Or sex.

Diane

Look at all the people who've fallen hopelessly in love with me with only the slightest encouragement. You, Frasier...

Sam

Yourself.

Carla

Sam Malone never ages. It's one of life's great truths. Let me tell you something Sammy, when you're 87 you'll still be a hunk to me. Of course I'll be senile and blind.

Sam

And pregnant.

Carla

Yeah, probably.

Sam

I'll think of something.

Cliff

Skimpy outfits on the waitresses, Sammy.

Sam

That's not bad.

Carla

Wait a minute. I don't want people having a look at something I'm ashamed of.

Sam

You've got a lovely body.

Carla

[pointing at Diane] I was talking about hers.

Sam

I'll think of something.

Diane

Well I don't know what.

Sam

You don't have my brain.

Diane

Whoever has it should return it. You need it right now.

Sam

The Fraternal Order of the Caribou are sending a group over.

Diane

Great. Loud-mouthed, rowdy conventioneers. drinking like fish, swearing like sailors and putting their paws all over us.

Carla

Yeah, happy birthday to me.

Since things are over between you and Diane, I wonder why she still continues to work here.

Sam

She's gotta work someplace.

She owe you money that's she trying to work off?

Sam

No.

Would you lose customers if she leave?

Sam

No. As a matter of fact, I'd probably get a few back if I did let her go.

Diane

Sam?

Sam

Did you notice that?

Diane

Notice what?

Sam

Everything just got calm.

Diane

I don't notice any difference.

Sam

Oh, yes, yes. There's a difference in everything. The whole world just changed for me. [pause, looking up] Ohh, look. The stars are new. The moon is new. Sam Malone is new, and I like him. [pointing to the stars] And I like them. And they like me. And none of us like you.

Diane

Am I going overboard again?

Sam

No, no, no. Don't be silly. That would mean I care, and I don't. Bye bye, Diane.

Diane

Where are you going?

Sam

I'm going to swim ashore.

Diane

You can't do that.

Sam

Very well, I'll take the dingy. See how quickly the new Sam adjusts.

Diane

You're going to just leave me out here all alone?

Sam

Yes, I am.

Diane

[sighs] Sam. Sam Malone, if you leave me out here all alone, you are the most despicable creature on Earth!

Sam

Well, I... y'am what I y'am, and that's all that I y'am.

Sam

The one thing I really hate is to eat alone. I always feel like someone's looking at me.

Diane

I'm the only one here.

Sam

Well you're looking at me.

Diane

You can either join me or I can eat with my eyes closed.

Sam

I see what you're doing here. You're trying to plant a seed in my brain.

Diane

Oh don't be silly. I know of nothing that grows in solid rock.

Carla

Boy, I'll tell you it's hopeless. I have looked everywhere in the Boston area and I just cannot find a house in my price range.

Sam

What's the big rush? Your apartment's fine.

Carla

No, it's not. My kids get bigger, my apartment gets smaller. I don't know what it's like to be alone in the bathroom anymore. What's it like, Sam? Is it everything people say it is?

Sam

More. Much much more.

Carla

I knew it.

Sam

You wore your socks in the tanning booth?

Cliff

Well I've got to be careful, Sammy. The Clavin men have feet like a baby's bottom.

Carla

With faces to match.

Diane

Sam, may I have your ear for a moment?

Sam

Yeah, just don't leave any bite marks.