Sam Malone quotes from Cheers

Frasier

You didn't want to eat there anyway, Sam. The waiters pride themselves on rudeness. The portions are too small and it's exorbitantly overpriced.

Sam

You couldn't get in either?

Frasier

Not till April.

Sam

Diane, change.

Diane

Not for you or any man.

Sam

No, no Diane. Change: nickels, dimes, quarters.

Sam

Christmas comes earlier every year, doesn't it?

Woody

I think if you check Sam, it always comes on the 25th of December.

Carla

I've been plannin' my Elvis pilgrimage to Memphis for weeks and now Nick is backing out of takin' care of the kids. He says his appendix burst.

Sam

That seems serious to me.

Carla

His appendix bursts every time I need a favor.

Woody

If he was smart, he would have that removed.

Sam

Father, do you believe in the afterlife?

Yes, my son. I do.

Sam

Well, good. Maybe I can find her there, and, get her again.

Frasier

Sam, this has gone too far. I think it's time you told her the truth.

Sam

The truth? And you call yourself a psychiatrist.

Carla

No way some guy like that ends up with me.

Sam

Will you stop cutting yourself short. You offer a lot of things to a guy.

Carla

Oh yeah, sure. Six kids, mortgage up to my ears, stack of bills, dead end job, and fallen arches.

Sam

You know, if I wasn't already engaged...

Sam

What about Frasier? Frasier you look like you could use a pick me up.

Frasier

A hockey game? No, thank you. I've been to a bullfights in Spain and I've been to the altar with Diane. I think that's enough carnage for one life.

Norm

We were thinking maybe somebody's got to tell Carla that she's jinxing Eddie.

Sam

And what suicidal idiot did you have in mind to do that?

Norm

Well your name kept coming up.

Diane

How can a man tell a woman he loves her and yet try to kill her?

Sam

I can see it.

I'd like to help with the doctor bills.

Sam

That's good.

Cliff

[to Madeline] That's good.

Anything to help ease the burden on you and your family.

Sam

You're not married.

Cliff

[to Madeline] You're not married. [Sam taps Cliff on the shoulder.] I mean I'm not married. But I could be if I wanted to. Right, Sam?

Sam

Sure.

Frasier

I should have done this earlier.

Sam

What are you doing?

Lilith

What was that? [Tries door] Frasier what are you doing? Frasier the door seems to be jammed. Frasier?

Diane

Sam, open the door.

Frasier

Macanudo?

Sam

Don't mind if I do, thank you.

Frasier

You know, I can't stand all this caterwauling, let's go upstairs. I've got all 13 episodes of I, Claudius on tape.

Sam

Great, I love gladiator flicks.

Diane

Oh Sam, it's never too early to start thinking of name for our children.

Sam

It is if you're thinking about the name Emil.

Diane

What's wrong with Emil?

Sam

A meal is something you eat. It's not something you name your kid.

Sam

You're just in time to see our masterpiece.

Diane

Should I alert Pauline Kael?

Sam

Well if you want to but tell her to get her butt in gear. We're about to start.