Sam Malone quotes from Cheers

Frasier

Sam, I've come to a very important decision. I've just taken stock of myself.

Carla

It's not exactly AT&T, is it?

Frasier

I'm going to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. In order to do that I've got to hit rock bottom first.

Carla

For you, that's three flights up.

Sam

Carla, you want to see if anyone in the back has open wounds to salt.

Sam

Maybe she came on too strong. Some guys don't like that.

Cliff

Well, I know how the lad feels. In the, uh, mating ritual I like to be the aggressor. ‘Course, uh, I don't mind the woman giving me a clear signal that I caught her eye.

Carla

You mean like sticking a finger down her throat?

Diane

For the first time in my life I let appearance taint my feelings towards a man.

Sam

Boy, you know what's wrong with you? You just can't be honest with yourself. Looks are all that ever mattered to you.

Diane

What are you talking about? That is utterly inaccurate.

Sam

Oh yeah. You want me to prove it to you?

Diane

Yes.

Sam

Who were you more crazy about than anyone else in your entire life? Not including yourself there. It was me. And there was only one reason you ever went out with me and that was because of my looks.

Diane

Not entirely.

Sam

Yes, entirely. Name one other reason why anyone would go out with me. Come on. Name one. You can't, can you?

Diane

[smiling] No Sam, I can't.

Sam

Listen Anthony, I know you like Annie a lot.

No, no, I love her.

Sam

Anthony, there's only two times a man uses that word; tennis and when he's already paid for the room, you know what I mean.

Diane

Sam, I'm sorry. I feel awful. You were right. Please accept my apology.

Sam

Oh, forget it, Diane. I forgive you. "The quality of mercy is not strained; it droppeth as the gentle rain from Heaven upon the place beneath. It is twice blest: it blesseth him that gives and him that takes."

Diane

Thank you, Sam. What did you say?

Sam

I think you heard me.

Diane

Yes, but YOU said it.

Sam

[puts on his smoking jacket; Diane is astounded] Come on, Diane. You really didn't believe that buffoonish façade that I've been perpetrating for the benefit of my blue-collar clientele did you?

Diane

I would like to see you in your office. I have something I want to give you.

Sam

How about a spanking? I think I deserve it.

Sam

Hey, look at this: a letter for Carla Tortelli.

Carla

What?

Sam

[withholds the letter, teasing her] Hmm, my goodness.

Carla

Let me see. Come on.

Sam

What's the magic word?

Carla

Gelding!

Sam

That's the one. [gives her the letter]

Carla

So, um, you like kids, huh?

Like 'em? I love 'em! I got seven of my own.

Carla!

Carla

It's okay, I'm only joking. [she goes out to Vinnie]

Carla

Hey, Vinnie, could you do me a favor? Just for tonight could you pretend that your name is Mitch and that you're an airline pilot?

Well, I guess... if you'll call yourself Raven and pretend you're a Vegas showgirl.

Carla

You're weird... I like that.

Sam

Bowling?

Carla

I've got this theory, Sam. You see all those other sports require real athletic ability but with bowling we got the makings of a great team.

Sam

Carla...

Carla

Listen. Listen. Any bowling alley what do you see? A bunch of out of shape, big couch potatoes who do nothin' but sit around and swill beer.

Norm

All right. We're number one.

Sam

Why don't you just admit that you're nuts about me and you can't stand seeing me going out with other women, so you tried to eliminate the competition?

Diane

Sam... your hormones have staged a "coup d'etat" on your brain.

Sam

Ah, no, no. Don't, don't try to distract me with hormone talk.

Diane

At what age did you have your first sexual encounter?

Sam

Oh, alright, that's more like it. Okay, uh...[looks at her notes] "Trevor – A Case Study". Who, who's Trevor?

Diane

That's you.

Sam

You're not gonna use my name?

Diane

Of course not.

Sam

So... I do all the work and this "Trevor" guy gets the credit?

Diane

Sam this is not your resumé. In a psychological treatise real names are never used.

Sam

Yeah, but at least I should be able to choose my own name. I mean, how ‘bout "Duke"?

Diane

This is my paper and I like Trevor.

Sam

Alright, alright. Well, where were we? You, uh, wanted to know about my first time, right?

Diane

Yes. How old were you?

Sam

Well, uh, boy, I'm not sure. Uh, I know I couldn't get to her house until the crossing guard showed up. Wow. First time is kind of hard to remember. What about your first time?

Diane

I'm the scientist, Sam. My first time has nothing to do with this. Now, what about your second encounter?

Sam

Well, that would be the crossing guard.

Sam

Let's open up this discussion a little bit. What's your name, son?

Barry.

Sam

Barry. Alright, Barry, why don't you tell me, uh, what you do when you meet, uh, a girl for the first time.

Well, I, I talk to her... and I let her know that I respect her as a human being. I ask her out without putting any pressure on her and then I let the relationship grow naturally.

Sam

[laughs] Well, we all have some pretty crazy ideas when we're young. Okay, uh, can anyone tell me where Barry went off the beam?

Sam

I'm in big, big trouble. I did something that, it felt so right – but now it, it turns out to be all wrong.

Diane

What's her name and how many months?

Diane

Hello, everyone.

Diane

Oh, come on, what kind of a greeting is that? When Norm comes in you all yell 'Norm!' and make a big fuss over him. Is it asking too much for me to get the same treatment every once in a while?

Sam

She's right. Try it again, sweetheart.

Diane

Yeah. Thanks.

Diane

Hello, everyone.

Norm!

Diane

[pauses] That's better.

Carla

[to an upset Diane] What is it this time, bleach bag?

Sam

Carla, I'm the employer here. I can handle this. What is it this time, bleach bag?