Phoebe Halliwell quotes from Charmed

Phoebe

The whole biological clock thing, it's very real and it's echoing: tick, tick, tick, tick...

Piper

Okay, neurotic people, can we get back to my neurosis right now, please?

Phoebe

Sure, which one were we talking about?

Piper

The one where I'm a rotten mother who's raising an antisocial child.

Phoebe

Okay, you know what? I think we should help the magic school, because we can't just keep that head on our foyer table, you know? What is it, a centre-piece?.

Phoebe

I need you to be honest with me. No games, no running away. Just the truth.

Chris

Okay.

Phoebe

Are you Wyatt's little brother?

Chris

(sighs) ... Only if I can get Piper and Leo back together in time.

Phoebe

There was a wolf following us

Not everybody sees what you see, Phoebe. Only those who are meant to see, see

Phoebe

What have you got in there, Confucius?

Phoebe

I've been calling for you all week, didn't you hear me?

Chris

For the first couple of days, yeah. Then I put you on mute.

Phoebe

You can put me on mute?

Chris

Oracles, furtune tellers, soothsayers, they all say the same thing. If Mom and Dad don't screw this month, I'm screwed.

Phoebe

Okay, I'm just trying to get used to you being my nephew... I never hit on you, did I?

Chris

What? No.

Phoebe

Oh, thank God.

Chris

Can we focus here, please? Mom and Dad need to have sex. Now, who's gonna tell them, you or me?

Paige

She knows we're up to something. I can't believe how hard it is to get two people laid.

Phoebe

Paige, that is disgusting.

Paige

Well, it's what we're trying to do, right?

Phoebe

No, we are trying to romance Piper and Leo together so they can conceive Chris, our nephew.

Paige

And that's different how?

Phoebe

Well, because what you said is very Springer, what I said is very Oprah.

Paige

Well, what ever show we’re watching, we are running out of time.

Piper

What's going on?

Phoebe

Maybe, maybe you should sit down, for a second.

Piper

Oh! That doesn't sound good.

Phoebe

No, no. No, It's good, it's good. I mean, you know it's not bad. It's a really, it's a really good thing. It's not a bad thing. I think it's a really good thing, Don't you think??

Paige

Yeah! I mean, it depends, you know.

Piper

Unhu! that sounds worse.

Paige

No, it's just complicated.

Paige

Chris.. is your son.

Phoebe

Wyatt's brother. Look I know this is huge...

Piper

No, It's not huge, because it's not possible. It's crazy!'Cause I'm not pregnant!

Oh, yeah!

Phoebe

No, I'm not. I mean, how could that happen!? I mean, I know how that could happen! But, it...... Oh! What am I going to do?

Phoebe

Maybe you should talk to Leo about it?

Piper

No! I can't!

Phoebe

Why?

Piper

Well, because, because, because I can't!

Chris

Is this a bad time?

Todd! There you are, sweetie. (notices Phoebe) Oh, and there you are. I was wondering if you'd have the nerve to show up.

Phoebe

What do you mean "nerve"?

Oh. You're the talk of the reunion. You know, you can fool San Francisco with your pithy advice, but you can't fool us. We all know you, sweetie.

That's enough, Paula.

Phoebe

So what is that supposed to mean?

It means you're a fake. The only thing you were ever known for was lying and ditching and stealing boyfriends.

Paige

Phoebe, are you gonna let someone with a giant helmet that passes for hair talk to you like that?

God, Paula. Just because Todd had a thing for Phoebe, you don't have to be so mean.

Paige

Hey. Why didn't you just tell that chick to go screw herself?

Paige

Phoebe?

Phoebe

Okay, what just happened?

Paige

You tell me.

Phoebe

I have no idea. I was just standing here, and then I had some weird high school flashback.

Paige

Yeah. Your whole body just flashed back.

Phoebe

What? Are you kidding me? I-I just felt...

Paige

Pissed?

Phoebe

Very.

Paige

Well, as someone who's seen Carrie, both versions, I'd say the reunion is over.

Now, my face. Make it different. Heartbreaking, charming, young.

Phoebe

You know, I'm thinking maybe you should use our nephew for inspiration.

Paige

Who you were, you're now another, Take the face of Wyatt's brother.

Phoebe

What? What's so funny?

Piper

This whole family needs a shrink

Paige

Step on her!

Phoebe

Eww! That is so gross!

Sorry!

Phoebe

How is Piper? Have you seen her?

Chris

She's good...Uh, big. You know, I keep thinking how weird it's gonna be to actually see myself being born...